I get email… and here’s an interesting one from a friend:
Dave, you’ve had 3 kids. I’ve had 5 kids, but only 1 I had “the talk” with, and she tells me I didn’t do a good job, which astounds me. I think I’m very good about talking about “it.” Now’s my second chance. My son is 9. He asked me a few weeks ago, “Where do chickens come from?” And, more specifically, tonight, “How did the first chickens know how to make baby chickens?”
I’m sure he just wants to know about sex and doesn’t know how to ask. Do you recommend any books? Did you give/read your kids a book when this came up? I am like the most sexually unflappable I know, but when it comes to kids asking these questions, I become very scientific and clinical, talking about DNA and using computer program analogies to describe what happens when sperm meets egg. My son is going to think sex is for creating robots.
Wait? Maybe he’s just interested in chickens. And for that matter, I have figured out the chicken or egg conundrum: the egg must have come first because the chick must have been a slight genetic anomaly from its parent, which wasn’t actually a chicken, per se. There. See? Solved.
Now, if we’re talking about sex, it’s an entirely different topic, but at least there are no bees or birds involved. Well, except a chicken. :-)
The thing I’ve learned about these sort of questions is that we adults are far more freaked out by them than our kids are, and that they want an age appropriate answer, not a lecture on genetics or “slot-a-tab-b” mechanics. For someone that’s 9, I imagine he’s just curious how boy + girl = baby, so I think you can talk about the formula without the mechanical details. I’d keep it specific to chickens and laughingly point out that it’s true for any animals, including us humans.
The books I’ve seen on explaining sex and sexuality to children tend to be really, really heavy, very angst-ridden about abstinence, etc. If that’s your philosophy, you’re good. If not, I’d recommend visiting a local indie bookstore and flipping through a few options before you purchase anything.
Also, another thought: I’ve learned that there isn’t The Talk as much as there are a lot of small conversations about specific things that happen and about how to deal with individual situations. It’s kind of like talking about sex with someone you’re dating: you don’t just dump it all on the proverbial table, you gradually discuss your likes, experiences, fears, etc. Well, some people do, at least. :-)
If my 8yo daughter were to ask me about sex, she’d probably ask “how do two people make a baby?” and after my smart-aleck answer about “fedex” or “amazon.com”, I’d more seriously answer that a man and a woman cuddle and that can cause the woman to get pregnant. 9mo later, she has a baby.”
That answer, of course, would be inappropriate for a 15yo, and at that age they’ve already figured out the naked part and – probably – the mechanical him-in-her bit, so I’d talk about the risks and the fact that intimacy is a gift that should be reserved for someone who is really, really special, typically someone you’ve married or are going to marry, should never be with someone you’re not in a long term relationship with and that during sex a man ejaculates into a woman and that it’s that ejaculate that can make her pregnant. There are various forms of protection, including birth control pills and condoms, but none are a guarantee that the girl won’t get pregnant, wanted or not.
Then I’d pass out. :-)
Thing of it is, there’s the fear of pregnancy and what it does to change your life, but even if my child was gay, I’d stick to my message that sexuality and intimacy is a gift that should be saved for someone special, not freely given because it’s cool or expected or he/she is asking for it or is pressuring you into doing something you don’t want to do or don’t think you two are ready for.
Oh, and I’d go back to your daughter and ask her what she wishes you would have told her, and how you would have needed to phrase it so she’d understand your point, so you can learn from her, rather than just feel judged or criticized. She says you didn’t do a good job. But what is a good job in this regard? Instilling fear? Explaining the mechanics? Flipping through the Joy of Sex while making comments about “mmm… good.” “ewwww… bad” and “ouch… chiropractic”?
For something that’s so much a part of our human existence and all healthy relationships, it’s hard to figure out exactly what is appropriate to talk about with children at all, let alone ones too young to get the nuances…