Why do so many men cheat on their spouses?

I admit it. In addition to spending about 24.8 hours each day being the best parent and husband I can be, I also try to find a little time to remember what it means to be a man in today’s society too. One way I accomplish this is through a local men’s group, and it’s great. But, of course, what we have in common is that we’re all Dads too, so the discussion is just as often about parenting and husbanding (as it were) as about being a man. As a result, another way that I try to stay plugged in is through Men’s Health magazine, which I have to admit I enjoy reading, even if it’s about 70% “guys need more sex”.
But one thing that the magazine reveals, issue after issue, is just how many husbands are unfaithful in their marriages. This isn’t news to me – I’ve seen men cheat on their spouses during business trips, know of professional women who keep a running tally of married men who have propositioned them, know more than one guy who has admitted to having an affair, and just about everyone I know who is divorced either had an affair or had a spouse that had an affair somewhere on the rocky road to dissolution.


I just don’t get it, though. I mean, if you’re unhappy in your relationship, fix it. If you can’t fix it, leave it. Seems simple enough.
I’m not even talking about the consequences for children (and Men’s Health quotes statistics that suggest 50% of men cheat on their spouses, by the way) and the added friction in the household. I’m just trying to figure out why men fool around and how they rationalize it to themselves.
So, guys, do you fool around? Have you been unfaithful? Do you just rationalize it as “as long as I don’t get caught, no-one gets hurt?” What do those marriage vows mean to you, anyway?
Did you catch that this story is even showing up in today’s headlines? Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher was fired today for having an extramarital affair with a female executive at the company. As if to rationalize it away, the Wall Street Journal continues that “the woman didn’t report directly to the 68-year-old, married CEO and the affair had only gone on a couple of months, was consensual, and didn’t advance the woman’s career.” Do those last snippets matter in this situation??
I feel like the odd man out, frankly. I couldn’t care less if I could “get away with it” because I still have to live with myself at the end of the day. It’s still my face in the mirror every morning.
I mean, Angelina Jolie could show up at my door in a silk bit of nothing and tell me that Linda and the kids are out visiting friends for the afternoon and that she was hoping I could give her a massage and rub some oil into her nether regions and I’d just suggest she get dressed so we could get a cup of tea at the local café. Well. Maybe if it were Angelina Jolie… 🙂
Seriously, what do I not get about this whole situation? How is it anything other than rampant immaturity and a completely lack of personal ethics?

347 comments on “Why do so many men cheat on their spouses?

  1. If people marry for physical attraction, or financial reasons then those motives can fade. If you don’t marry your best friend then you can hurt them badly in a fit of selfishness. Acohol and drugs can imair judgement as well. If people find themselves in bars often then that can be a problem. The movie Sideways had a great commentary on this.

  2. Ah, Dave, I don’t think it’s that simple. Even if you marry for physical attraction, there’s still no justification I can see for cheating on your spouse. I see it as less of a ‘why did you get married’ issue as a ‘how trustworthy are you’ and ‘how seriously do you take your vows’ issue? Indeed, given our modern times, I find it hard to imagine how I’m supposed to trust a colleague with business matters when I know that they aren’t trustworthy in their personal life.

  3. I definitely see your point. I think most people want to stay faithful, but consider their needs more important than their spouses.
    Take Bill Clinton as an example. He was supposed to be one of the most empathetic presidents in history. Really understood people, cared about them and solved a lot of problems. Made a really good impact on the world in a lot of ways. But alas, he could not control himself. JFK, Ben Franklin. All made great contributions to the world, but put their own needs ahead of their wive’s in the moment of truth.
    I think the question may become “How selfish are you?” Have you learned to truely put other’s needs ahead of your own, or are your needs ultimitely the most important?
    So in business, I think you could deal with these people with the realization that when the chips were down, that they would put their needs ahead of yours. If you factor that into your calculations then perhaps you can work with these people in a limited capacity while not putting your life or livelihood in their hands. Let me know what you think.

  4. I have conducted some research on this and discovered that, of the people that I have interviewed, (about 100 at this point), far more women have cheated on their mates then men. This could simply be a reflection of the sample, but, so much attention is given to men cheating that I thought I should weigh in to provide “balance”.

  5. hmmm… it’s easy to cast stones boys. I think that men who “just don’t understand the urge to cheat” simply are Zeta men. They don’t know what it is like for the Alpha men out there who have a surplus of testosterone in their systems. The reality is that monogamy doesn’t make biological sense for us… males have been tricked into it by women… and our sadomasachistic Western religious tradition. All of my biology is screaming at me to mate with as many women as I can… Yeah, I don’t want to hurt my wife, but it isn’t really a choice. I CAN’T SAY NO, BECAUSE SAYING NO IS AKIN TO COMMITTING SUICIDE. Guess what boys, that’s why there are more of me out there than you, because it’s the guys like me whose genes are passed down. We have one duty in this life, and that is to our ancestors, to pass on our genes, their genes, so that we, and they, can acheive immortality. I’m doing my duty… you aren’t

    • Samuel, please know that you may produce more kids, but know they will be screwed up, inheritance lines will be muddied, and many people feeling hurt and abandoned along the way! Also, no civilizations have ever flourished in a polygamy society—do the research. There is a reason why women biologically hold us to monogomy. A civilized society would no longer exist, children not get the care needed, etc Greg, it seems to me that you may be just continuing a messed up family cycle that may have been modeled by your father or a lack of good male role models. See how many of them really end up happy and at peace in the long run with successful, well-adjusted, fulfilled offspring. I bet you may screw up a few kids in the future.

  6. ok… so you are fuming mad after reading my last post. I get it. Guess what, I didn’t really mean what I wrote, I was using hyperbole to make a point: it’s easy to cast stones, but for some men it is VERY VERY VERY difficult to overcome the urge to have sex with as many women as possible. Being judged doesn’t help, it just turns us off of righteousness altogether. I really can’t believe that you folks can’t at least sympathize with the urge / struggle. Maybe those of you who are pristine could share with us your secrets of success.
    BTW, I have never understood why some people think that someone who can’t be trusted not to cheat can’t be trusted in business. I find the opposite in fact. Many of the men I know who have cheated take business ethics very seriously. According to the gossipers, Warren Buffett has been having an affair with his maid for decades, but you won’t find a staighter shooter in the boardroom. I am very familiar with a case in a company where there was one individual who took business ethics very seriously, but who had a hard time keeping his pants up. His colleague found out about this and used it against him in internal company politics; however, the colleague who was so judgemental, ended up bilking his clients out of hundreds of millions of dollars, while the “cheater” tried to stop him all along the way.
    The point is that there is no correlation between a man’s ability/ desire to control his sexual urges, and his desire to do right by his clients / customers.

  7. How pathetic!!!! That a man would rather do right by strangers (clients)than the one person he has promised to forsake all others for!!! I would not trust a cheater!
    They apparently have some serious moral, ethical, and psycological problems. Not to mention being a liar and a seriously untrustworthy person.

  8. I have to say that I’m with you, Chris. The “men are wired that way” argument is very weak. It’s the same reason that, theoretically, we should kill our neighbors for being noisy, rather than simply asking them to turn down their stereos, and why we shouldn’t be in relationships in the first place.
    Some guys might think that sounds cool, but no-one I’d want to know. Sheesh.

  9. Is it true that the presupposition here is that “cheating” is “bad”?
    Why?
    During the wedding ceremony, where does it say, “therefore you shall not sleep with anybody else from now on”?
    And really, if it were safe sex, no STD, no pregnancy, then, given today’s medical capability, what exactly is wrong with extramarital sex?
    What’s the big deal anymore?
    All man get sick and tire of sleeping with the same woman after a while, let’s not lie to ourselves. So what’s wrong with trying out new partners?
    Few men can satisfy their woman each time and every time. So, what’s wrong with a wife looking after her own welfare by having sex with someone else who can satisfy her needs?
    Really, which is the worse sin: being hypocritical to oneself, refusing to deal with one’s own feelings and needs? Or honestly and sincerely try out new partners, stay in good mood and be productive and live happily?

    • That is a whole load of shit, if you feel that you cant keep to one, then simply don’t marry. when you don’t work to achieve oneness in marriage you will never experience true intimacy. Liars, cheaters etc you destroy families, lives etc. Cant you see how decadent the society has become as we get sexually liberal Marriage is for zero grazing and is for serious blokes not senseless jerks.

  10. Guys, how many men cheat b/c they are chased by women? Some women like the quest of a married man. I must say it is very hard to resist when a woman finds herself attracted to you and does all in her power to persuade you into “cheating”. I too thought that men that cheated had a lack of self-respect and morals etc… I now find myself in a situation where I am the “hunted”, and though it feels good to the ego, and I’m sure will be physically gratifying… I also believe every action requires an equal reaction. If I learned my spouse had ever cheated on me I would leave her where she stood, and not look back, and I would expect the same from her. So, I guess my struggle becomes, is my physical gratification worth more than the years I have spent trying to develop a healthy, trusting relationship with my wife, or do I seize the opportunity to fulfill another woman’s desires….
    “Sex”, is such a funny thing in our Western culture, but I think it’s that way b/c so many groups have made it so taboo, it is funny how we become sexually attracted to some people, but yet we are supposed to repress those feelings, and in some cases feel bad about them. Why should we feel bad about something that is a natural occurence. We run into trouble when we attach ourselves to those feelings, and start acting out of physical desire. Will I cheat on my wife? I tell myself no everyday, only b/c I choose not to cheat. But I have to not let myself get caught in a do or die situation. I can’t show up to a womans house, flirt around, have some drinks, and ask myself why am I doing this as my pants are being unzipped…At that point its too late…I already made the decision when I pulled into the driveway. I have to take responsibiltiy at all times for what I am doing, and what situation arise (no pun intended).. Thanks for the outlet… Good luck to those who struggle with “cheating”, I hope we can all find the balance to our feelings and desires..
    B

  11. Thanks for your note, confused, but if there’s one thing that informs my thinking it’s that as adults we’re supposed to be in control of our reactions and responses to situations. A child gets hit, spins around, and hits the other person. An adult, a mature person, turns around and says “what just happened?”
    In the same way, I work in a college town with gaggles of gorgeous coeds wandering around. But so what? It’s my ability to say “no”, to not be weak, to not give in to those primal urges that marks me as a man, not a boy.
    If I have made a vow to my partner that I’ll be faithful and true, then the question boils down to what’s more important: my being trustworthy and true, or my wanting to have a passing intimacy with someone else? Different guys obviously have different perspectives on this question, but as I said earlier, I’m not really impressed at all with guys who are willing to break up a relationship or lie to their partner so they can have an orgasm or two. Pretty phenomenally shallow, if you ask me.
    So, sure, women sometimes pursue men, and it’s gratifying and fun to have someone be interested in you, but it’s ultimately your decision – not hers – whether or not you go further than casual flirting, whether you consummate the flirtation. And you’re the one that’ll have to live with the consequences, whether they’re out in the open, or whether they’re purely in your own heart as you realize ever time you look in the mirror that you’re in a relationship that’s no longer built on trust or honesty.

    • I applaud people who had principle to stay faithful to their partner. And I am sure they are happier than those who had cheated and is still cheating. I have seen couples who had cheated, they seem happy but i doubt their conscience sleep better at night. They know they did wrong. To some doing wrong gives them the adrenaline to continue but I doubt they ever think of the consequences of their actions specially to those people around them. I don’t think they care for them. I think cheating for them is like a new found hobby worth maintaining because it keeps them high. like narcotics. Most that started cheating are guys that can’t believe their luck that a new better looking girl fell for them. most have become stupid to think that these girl might have fallen for their deep pockets than their looks or charms. But some I guess they know because they maintain the woman by giving her all she wants. In payment for the sex they get everytime. Most cheaters are selfish people. Even willing to spend for it. And there is the word i have heard “Sex addition”. What is with that? Wives can provide that. But men still feel it? Is it that uncontrollable a feeling that you bet your soul to cheat. How do these cheaters feel about their illegitimate? How do they explain? Or their brains are just in their balls? And the mistress, do they even feel shame that they are using their faces and vaginas to get what they want? To some they say that these women are smarter since they are getting things faster than those who work at offices with an 8 to 5 job. But there are always consequences. or their conscience are just to numb already. I had a principle officemate one time, he said there will always be some more beautiful girl than your wife, you just had to love your wife more and control yourself due to that love. I guess the man has to learn to love the woman he will marry to have the strength to stay on. I think some men do not know what love is in the first place.

  12. Why do men cheat on their spouses? Simple. Selfishness. When you make a public vow to be faithful to your spouse, unless you take that vow lightly (in which case why’d you even bother?), you have to understand that your _manhood_ is on the line EVERY time the temptation to cheat presents itself. Say you’re feeling blah and Angelina Joile shows up when your wife and children are out for the day. Suppose you did have a brief fling with Ms. Jolie. Is that supposed to make her think more highly of you? You just betrayed the most intimate relationship you promised to honour. And what for? For an orgasm with one of the world’s sexiest women? And that’s supposed to make you a muy macho guy how? The real courage, the real _manhood_, is in being able to look Ms. Jolie straight in the eye and say “You’re an incredibly sexy and desirable woman, but I’m married and I want to stay that way, so I don’t think I ought to be giving you that rubdown you just asked for.” Dunno about the rest of the guys reading this, but in my case, it wouldn’t be Angelina Jolie I’d have a real problem resisting, it’d be Natalie Portman, and I haven’t even seen “Closer” 😉
    The other variable to consider here is whether or not there is such a thing as _objective_ moral truth. If there is such a thing, then how one feels at the moment is not the final standard that determines whether an action is ethical or not, and failing to honour one’s matrimonial vows is not simply succumbing to a genetic or evolutionary predisposition, it is the failure of one’s moral compass. And when your navigational aids fail, you may end up going somewhere you don’t want to. In this context, a possibly useful reference is J. Budziszewski’s _The Revenge of Conscience_. Cheat on your spouse? Just say no. Always.

  13. Some men have affairs as a form of sexual recreation, and I can’t say that I approve of that. On the other hand, I think the reason most people have affairs is because they’re lonely and unhappy in their marriages.
    Ideally, people should either fix it or leave, but life can be more complicated than that. What if your spouse refuses to admit there’s a problem? And leaving gets much harder to do if you happen to have young children who adore both their parents. Not mention the fact that you adore your kids and would be really unhappy if you only saw them on weekends.
    All right, so you decide to stick it out until the kids are old enough to handle a divorce. You go without much in the way of sex or emotional fulfillment for about 3 years. Then you meet this wonderful woman, and she’s like an oasis in the desert. You never realized just how thirsty
    you’ve been, but now that you do, you find yourself drinking from her waters again and again.
    You’re happy. Your lady friend is willing to wait a few years, so she’s happy too. Your happiness gives you more energy, so you spend it on your kids and now they’re happier. There are people who would look down on you if they knew. It doesn’t bother you, because you know they wouldn’t judge you so harshly if they truly understood.

  14. Well, DC, I can see where that’d be a tough situation, but difficult situation or not, you need to be honest and forthright with your spouse. If you think your kids can’t tell when Mommy and Daddy don’t actually like each other, then I think you’re fooling yourself. Marriage isn’t easy, and it’s not always fun. I learned that from my folks (who have been married over 50 years now), and, darn it, it’s work too. Lots of work. But I just think that either you make the commitment and take it seriously, or you don’t, and if you don’t, well, you’re just not as honorable or trustworthy in my book.

  15. Sorry, but I don’t think coming clean with my wife and immediately initiating divorce proceedings is in the best interests of my kids. If my wife and I had an acrimonious marriage, then I could justify it, but the fact is, we don’t. There’s no passion in our relationship, but we get along well enough, and while my wife is a terrible romantic partner, she’s more than adequate as a mother. My kids have a stable and reasonably cheerful home environment. I’m not going to take that away from them before I think they can handle it.
    Honesty and integrity are important virtues, but I don’t think they trump compassion. When I knew that my marriage was unfixable –and don’t think I didn’t try to improve things– I had to make a choice about whether I should initiate divorce proceedings sooner or later. I chose later, because I knew from firsthand experience that divorce is hard on kids, even when it’s the best thing that could happen to them. I think doing it your way would be like removing a cancerous leg tumor by chopping off the leg with an axe. It’s simple and it would work… but it’d be a lot less traumatic to the patient if you took your time and removed the tumor with a scalpel.
    The uncomfortable truth about my affair is that it’s actually improved my relationship with my wife and kids. I feel less resentment toward my wife now, so I’m much more relaxed and tolerant around her.
    And suppose my wife found out about my affair? Would it hurt her? Considering that she’s told me on more than one occasion that it would be okay if I fulfilled my sexual needs with someone else, it probably would not hurt as much as you might think. And I can’t imagine her telling my kids or badmouthing me later.
    The only drawback I see to delaying my divorce is that it doesn’t free my wife to find someone else. On the other hand, she’s asexual and weighs 300 pounds. I’m not sure she’ll ever find anybody with those sorts of handicaps.
    I don’t expect you to necessarily agree or approve of what I’m doing, but I think it’s important that you not immediately condemn a person simply because they don’t toe the same moral lines that you do. Standing on a soapbox and announcing that any man who cheat is a dishonest scumbucket isn’t going to change anybody’s mind. If Jesus had preached that sort of thing to the masses, he would have simply been another Pharisee, and nobody would have listened to him.

  16. DC,
    Apparently you should just suck it up and live in pig crap for the rest of your marriage. If you believe you are doing the right thing by your heart. Then you are doing the right thing for you. In this life the greatest gift is love, to ourselves and others, without the recieving and giving of love we are empty shells awaitng death. If I were unhappy with my spouse and could not work things out then we would split. But I would hope I could walk away with the utmost respect for myself knowing at least that I tried to compromise and work through our differences. If things did not work they did not work and now it’s time to move on; however, that is right for me. It sounds like this “affair” has created a “new” life for you and you are further in touch with your own spirit and heart, thus making the things around you better. The only person’s book you have to worry about is your own, if you go to sleep with a peace of mind and a loving heart and a full life that your are proud and confident of then you are doing things right by you… live well

  17. Dc,
    I must say you had me at “I don’t want to hurt my kids.” However – by saying you don’t want to hurt them are you not being truthful to yourself? Hypocritical maybe?
    Is it your kids or the financial strain that it would put on both you and you lover?
    I must say I have had a very hard time w/ my spouse in the 15 years we have been married.
    And god knows it has been hard to deal with my spouse and how my spouse goes about our marriage. However- I do realize that if we were to divorce, not only would it hurt our kids …but our financial and social way of life as well.
    And I would lie if I did not admit of wanting something more out of our commitment to one another.It’s human nature after all. I will also admit to being offered an affair w/ someone very familiar and well informed of our marital issues.
    Tempting? Yeah…sure…yeah, very. Shallow? Yes. I thought what an offer! …To put my kids first and expose myself to an adventure that would gain me so much physical and emotional pleasure!!!
    And then I woke up to reality. I was selling myself a bag of empty dreams. Might as well live in fantasyland.
    I just know that I would always have in the back of my mind, is this person looking for love or an “easy relationship?”
    Then I would turn that question over to myself. Am I just looking for love or an easy relationship that does not exist?
    How shallow. How could I possibly even consider that offer? I felt that was a sure motive to try that much harder to remember the day I fell in love w/ my spouse. And most important was why I fell in love.
    I thought of that feeling in me the first time we made love, the first time we kissed and the first time I felt I would just die if any thing ever happened to this person I married.
    That reminded me of why all this time I stayed married for 15 years. Not for my kids or for our finances, but for all the right reasons.
    D.C, do you really think it would help or benefit your mistress if you divorced your wife?
    Have you ever asked youself that question?
    Where would your wife put you if she (your wife) ever found out of your affair?
    Where would that put her?
    I can’t speak for her but I can tell you that your idea of divorcing your wife and going off into happily ever after is just a sweet but very false,ignorant and naive fantasy.
    I think you are just in love w/ the idea of someone new. Someone you can just have FUN w/.
    How can you trust your mistress won’t do the same to you? Once you get your way, of both being together and then she has to cook and clean and work- not to mention live w/ the insecurity of you gone out the door to work or so you say. Have you thought of the eternal doubt in her mind? How could you trust her? How could she trust you?
    Once you finally get to be together and you wake up each morning day after, day, after day with bad breath and on the wrong side of the bed. Then what?
    God forbid you or you girlfriend end up w/ some type of illness like the one of your wife (obesity). Would your mistress care enough to stay by your side? Would you? Not to mention your bank account. What would happen when the money you spend on her was to vanish into life’s unexpected issues?
    I truly hope when you wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror you can honestly say your affair is well worth your lifetime. As you know we only get 1 chance at life. So why spend it in lies, D.C.?
    Your case reminds me of something I was once told by someone I know.
    Just a quick true story of a friend-
    My friend’s dad had a mistress for many years. He claimed his wife just did not give him the attention he needed. To top it off she (his wife) fell ill to a thyroid condition that caused her to gain an enormous amount of weight and a heart condition as well.
    His wife was a beautiful woman for the most part of their marriage. But do to her health problems her physical changed. She had dedicated her entire life to him and their children.
    However he claimed she was a wonderful mother and she took care of him the way a wife should care for her husband. One day his wife found an old letter from his mistress. And she still did not confront him for sometime-
    She confided to a close friend about this. Some how he found out that she knew about this letter and he came clean. He then asked her to stay.And she tried to forgive him.
    The kids were now grown enough. His daughter was married w/ kids of her own and his younger son was 19 and in a new relationship.
    Soon after all this (about 1 yr.later) his wife died of a massive heart attack. To everyone whom knew of the situation believed it was more of a broken heart.
    Some time latter he brought his mistress out from the shadows. Most knew about her. That would include his daughter. His daughter resented their relations during her mother’s life. But came to forgive them both. She did not want to be bitter.
    Now they could finally let the world know they were a couple.
    They moved in together. And they even began a business.
    Soon to his surprise (about 2 months later) she left him. She said she just got scared of all the responsibility that came w/ their new life together. She asked him for his forgiveness and returned to care for her x-spouse whom is dying of cancer. She also mentions her kids and how she would loose their love if she did not go.
    She said to him it was more out of compassion for her family.
    The moral I think was…two families torn, a GOOD mother dead, for two selfish reasons. Lust and adventure.
    How little it all lasted. In the end it was just a challenge for the two adultery parties involved.
    They lost a lot of respect from their family and friends. Not to mention how their apt-integrity (or “lack of ”)…
    Was torn out and totally taken away in the eyes of their children.
    The ones that they said they DID NOT want to hurt in the first place.
    Just a little something for you to think about –D.C…
    ohh… and Jesus will forgive that whom truly repents.
    Sleep tight on it compassionate one …that is if you can sleep at night?-
    God bless,
    may you one day find your happily Ever After, where-ever that may be.

  18. I must say that I have learned something reading all of your postings about men that cheat. It seems that it is simply a “weakness” that they have within themselves that they could do something so horrible to the one they make their vows to on their wedding day.
    Was this site just for men? I came here to read up and try to understand why I was cheated on by my ex-boyfriend, my ex-best friend, my ex-fiance. I guess I have all the questions in my head still that people ask when they find out their significant other has cheated on them… all those questions that are answered never to our satisfaction.
    It’s been over one year now and the effects of my ex’s decision to be unfaithful still hurt me. Those feelings of not being able to trust again haunt me and make me heistant to meet anyone else. I am not a weak woman. I am strong and my faith lies within God. I never knew something like this could bring me to my knees in pain. I have never felt my heart hurt the way it did the day I found out he cheated. I am known to be a loving, friendly, happy, strong, and beautiful 26 year old. Males flirt with me often but for me it was simple and it took strength within myself to not desire another male. I knew I loved my ex with all of my heart and I would never give any other man the satisfaction of thinking that there was any room in my heart for him or for any desire of him. That made me proud.. proud to be who I was and proud to be who I will always be. The only reason he could give me was that he didn’t think we were working out but he did not have the courage to tell me and let me go before hurting me.
    I have no experience as opposed to you married men that have been tempted or even you married ladies. I mean , really, I’m 26, never been married so how would I know? It all comes down to the strength of the individual and what he or she stands for. If you have such a lack of respect for your spouse and yourself that you would cheat, for one night of gratification, then your “happiness” with this other person will undoubtingly not last. Who are you kidding? That goes for the person who cheated right along with you and tempted you… you both have the wool pulled over your eyes. So, may God help you and give you strength to make the right choice. No one deserves to be betrayed, married, or almost married.
    I thought my world was over and I thought I lost everything and that my future was ruined. I have never felt so alone in my entire short life! Experiencing it first hand, I know that I am worth more than what someone who wants to cheat on me thinks I am worth. No one should ever have to feel that pain of someone else’s weakness.
    I thought people were supposed to remember to always treat others how they would want to be treated? It’s too bad society has to have postings of such topics but that’s what this world has come to. People just don’t care. The only time they will care is when they are living in an eternal darkness because they did not repent and mean it… By then it’d be too late…
    I commend those men who are strong and can be real men!!! That’s what would make me want to give my all to my husband, that’s what would drive me to give him unconditional love and affection!! A STRONG man, a FAITHFUL man.

  19. Thanks for your addition, movin, but I would encourage you not to judge all men by the comments of a few. I also find it interesting to see how easily some of the contributors here can rationalize being unfaithful and ignoring their vows. As for me, I’ll stick with my original comment that I’d find it hard to trust a man in business or friendship if he can’t respect his marriage vows.
    Getting divorced after trying to make it work, that’s one thing. Getting divorced because your wife cheated, that’s something that makes sense to me too, but being so weak that you can’t say no to temptation, well, I’m not impressed.

  20. As a woman, I’ve tried to understand what it must be like to be a male…male friends and relatives have shed light on the subject as well as extensive reading about men/women. But overall, these men that I know are all very moral, ethical, trustworthy people. As much as a beautiful woman may tempt or even throw herself at them, they chose in every situation to NOT go down that road.
    I’m not saying you’re stuck forever in a sad situation at home. I believe you should do everything humanly possible to save the marriage – counseling for example., before you call it quits and certainly before you start fooling around.
    My marriage has been rocky for over 2 years but I always loved my husband and always looked forward to tomorrow like a fresh start. He refused to go to counseling, and eventually I came home to an empty house – he just couldn’t deal with confrontation and instead moved out. I don’t know where he’s living. If he is with someone else, at the very least he’s got to admit to it and secondly answer whether or not he wants a divorce. I’ve gotten no response to any of my questions. I continue to live in limbo while he’s out God knows where. Is that nice? Is that what you do to someone you love? Most men wouldn’t treat a business partner with such utter disrepsect, yet they think nothing of hurting their own wives with their deceipt.
    So you men that are suffering mid-life crisis, or grass is greener syndrome, before you take off and decide to be bachelors again – have the guts to talk face to face with your wives. Don’t
    cheat on your wife and pretend you’re not.
    If you really want out, that’s painful enough – but at least you can spare her the pain of being disgraced if you’re with other women while you’re still married.
    And by the way, men are not the only ones tempted by beautiful people that come along. Women have strong desires too – we’re different than men, but we’re not aliens. We’re human too, and there have been many opportunities when I could have been selfish. It’s a choice. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you’ll be alone with someone. That’s the best way – prevention.
    And don’t EVER say that lame line, “it just happened.” Nothing happens by accident- you have to want it to.
    God bless,

  21. here’s something for you guys. I am the “other woman” and I can tell you it’s no picnic. Also I didn’t “come on” to him, he sought me out and didn’t reveal he was married until much later. I’m a career person and didn’t have time for “snooping around” to see if he lied to me. When I did find out it was the line well we’re not sleeping together and have not been for years (and they do have separate bedrooms-this I know for sure) He recently bought me a house and he’s the kindest, nicest man I know. We’ve been seeing each other for over a year and I believe he cares for me as I do him. So there it is. Do I like this situation? No. Am I comfortable with him? Yes. Are we “monsters”. I guess to someone on the outside looking in. I think we’re just two people trying to be happy with what we have to work with.
    P.S If she loves and wans him why doesn’t she keep him home and out of trouble?

  22. Tammy, cool. Thanks for posting your perspective on things. Obviously, there are as many different stories as there are relationships. I have to say that your comment “if she loves him, why doesn’t she keep him at home” is a bit disingenuous, in my opinion. In many situations, by the time the spurned partner is aware of the severity of the problem, their spouse has already become turned off by them, so even answering the door in skimpy lingerie and a glass of wine (or a silk robe and massage oil, whatever) is just as likely to produce a “what the hell’s your problem now?” as a “you look smashing, honey! Let’s use the couch!”
    I still say that if a relationship just is failing and is collapsing under its own lack of communication and decaying love, then the mature way to deal with it is to *face it* together, and to either work really hard to make things better, with third party help as possible, or to truly split up. The “late nights at the office” that are really sneaking around with the new lover are just ridiculous and I still can’t see how anyone can justify it.
    Finally, monsters? Hardly. And I never had any sense that the third person, the new lover, was a temptress or tempter. After all, if the person in the marriage wasn’t allowing themselves to be tempted, there wouldn’t be any temptation. And *acting* on the temptation, well, that’s where it goes from “window shopping”, which I think is totally harmless, to “buying the demo model”, if yaknowwhatImean.
    Your perspective will be different and that’s fine. I never claimed to be The Expert on this subject. I’m just sharing my own view and finding illumination in the discussion that’s ensued.

  23. Tammy-
    YOU POOR CHILD OF GOD! YOUR EVEN MORE CONFUSED THAN D.C.
    WOW TAMMY…WHAT A WAY TO GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN! THIS IS JUST A WONDERFUL WAY FOR ME TO SEE HOW SOME HUMAN MINDS TRULY WORK.
    YOU HAVE JUST ADMITTED TO “NOT LIKING” THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN.
    I MUST SAY I TRULY ADMIR YOUR SINCERITY. I DON’T HOWEVER HAVE MUCH RESPECT FOR ADULTRY.
    SO… YOU QUESTION IF THIS MAKES YOU A MONSTER? WELL…NO, I DON’T THINK IT DOES. IT SIMPLY MAKES YOU A MISSGUIDED AND VERY CONFUSED PERSON… PERHAPS?
    LOOK, I’M REALLY TRYING HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU. BUT YOU ARE CORRECT WHEN YOU SAY SOME OF US ARE ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN.
    AND BOY HAVE I LOOKED IN.
    YOU MAY WONDER IF I HAVE EVER BEEN THE
    “OTHER WOMAN”? AND COULD I EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE THE OTHER ONE? WELL, MY REPLY IS…NO.
    BUT I HAVE BEEN CLOSE TO MANY SUPPER TEMPTING OFFERS THAT HAVE COME PRETTY DARN CLOSE. NONE HOWEVER WORTH MY INTEGRATY AND SELF-REDICUL. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY…
    ”YA LIVE AND LEARN.”
    YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF MY OLD FREINDS.SHE IS SUCH A SWEET HEART. AND HIGHLY INTELLIGENT IN THE BUISSNESS WORLD.YET SHE TOO GOT INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR. HER STORY HAD A SIMILARITY TO YOURS.
    SHE ALSO SAID, “HEY… he sought me out and didn’t SAY he was married until much later.”
    I SIMPLY REPLIED TO HER …THEN WHY WOULD YOU CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP? WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT SO COMPLICATED?
    ACCORDING TO HER, HE WAS JUST EVERYTHING SHE WANTED IN A MAN. HE HAD THE PERFECT EVERYTHING! SO I REPLIED …SO THEN YOU WANT A PERFECT CHEET IN A MAN?
    I EVEN WENT AS FAR AS TELLING HER, THEN WHY DON’T YOU JUST BECOME A HOOKER. AND THOUGH SHE THOUGHT MY COMENT WAS “AMUSING,” SHE SIMPLY REPLIED THAT SHE HAD FALLEN IN LOVE.
    NEEDLESS TO SAY HE TOO WAS MADLY IN LOVE W/ HER AND A COUPLE OF HER FRIENDS TOO. IN THE END THE ONLY ONE HE DID NOT LIKE WAS HIS WIFE.BUT FOR SOME REASON HE IS STILL MARRIED TO HER.
    SHE (MY FREIND)WOULD OF NEVER BELIVED IT HAD SHE NOT INVESTIGATED AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS W/ THIS GUY.SHE WAS STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE NEGLECTED BY HIM. SO THIS TIME SHE WAS THE ONE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.
    AND I DON’T HAVE TIME TO FINISH HER STORY.
    TAMMY, JUST ASK YOURSELF SOME TRUTHFUL QUESTIONS, WHAT TRULY MAKES THIS MAN IN YOUR OWN WORDS “KIND?”
    THE NEW HOUSE? THE FACT THAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW FOR SHURE THAT HE AND HIS WIFE HAVE SEPRATE BEDROOMS?
    BY THE WAY IT’S VERY EASY FOR HIM TO JUST WALK INTO HIS WIFES BEDROOM AT NIGHT.THEY ARE ONLY STEPS AWAY.
    WHY WOULD YOU QUESTION HER (HIS WIFE) LOVE FOR HIM TAMMY?
    SO MAYBE YOU WONDER…
    If she loves HIM and wants him THEN why doesn’t she keep him home and out of trouble?
    WELL, WHY NOT ASK YOURSELF TAMMY, IF SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE YOU TOO WILL BE ASKING YOURSELF …P.S… IF I love HIM and I want him THEN why don’t I keep him home and out of trouble?
    …IT’S A LITTLE DIFFERENT WHEN WE TURN THE TABLES AND THE MIRROR ON THE WALL SHOWS OUR TRUE REFLECTION.
    TAMMY IF THINGS WERE THIS SIMPLE WE WOULD NOT BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.AND THIS WEB PAGE WOULD NOT EXSIST AND WE WOULD BRING THE END TO ALL AFFAIRS.
    PLEASE TRULY SERCH YOU’RE THOUGHTS AND YOUR TRUE MOTIVES FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP.IS IT REALY LOVE? OR JUST SOME POCET MONEY?
    AND I TRULY AM NOT TRYING TO DISRESPECT YOU/HIM OR YOUR FEELINGS.
    IS ALL OF “YOU” JUST WORTH A NEW HOUSE.
    LADY, IS THAT YOUR SELFWORTH?
    ARE YOU PUTTING A HOME AS YOUR FACE VALUE?
    CAUSE IF THAT’S YOUR CASE YOU MAY JUST PUT YOUR PICTURE ON A PENNY AND TELL THE WORLD THATS WHAT YOU ARE WORTH. JUST PENNIES?
    WHY BE A “DUMB ROCK” WHEN YOU TRULY ARE A GEM? AND TO THINK YOU CAN BE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.
    YOU COULD BE PRICELESS!
    SO, YOU ARE just two people trying to be “happy” with what “YOU” have to work with OR WHAT YOU HAVE $$$$$ FINANCIALY$$$$$ VALUED YOURSELF AT?
    THAT’S SOME SHALLOW THINKING GIRL. DIG A LITTLE DEEPER…YOU MIGHT JUST FIND REAL GOLD!
    NOT JUST THE FOOLS’ GOLD YOU ARE CURRENTLY SETTLING FOR AND WEARING ON YOUR COMPROMISING FLESH.
    THAT’S LIKE ME SAYING …I WILL HAVE AN AFFAIR W/ EVERYONE WHOM DOES ME A FAVOR. I‘M JUST WONDERING HOW SILLY IS THAT?
    THERE ARE SOME TRULY KIND PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHOM WILL HELP YOU JUST BECASE THEY TRULY CARE AND RESPECT YOU.
    NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BUY YOUR LOVE AND A COUPLE OF STOLEN YEARS OF YOUR PRESIOUSE LIFE.WITH A STUPID HOUSE AND SOME POCKET MONEY.
    GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YA…CAUSE GIRL YOU NEED IT!
    I JUST HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN EXPERIANCE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FROM A TRUE MAN WHOM IS TRULY “KIND” AND TRULY LOVES AND VALUES “Y-O-U.”
    SINCERLY,
    MAY 25TH 2005

  24. This is an answer to the widower posting
    For what I see, you are just a piece of shit!! I am a married woman and I have been cheated, and that is the most awful thing you can ever experience, if you ask what is a big deal let me tell you…. If you want to feel like a latino lover and have a new conquer every time you think you are not satisfied with the same woman all the time why in the hell you get married just live your live the way you like it and do not ruin any body else’s life. First ,If you don’t care about diseases go for it die , but do not take with you innocent people. Let’s be honest when you are in the heat of the moment you forget about condoms and the entire protected sex thing, the only thing men want is relieve the urge!!! My husband used condoms and vola!! I got an STD, why? Because is not a bullet proof jacket idiot! You can get diseases just from oral sex; I bet you are not used to get those condoms for oral sex right? Then we go to the emotional part!! I can talk about my experience and what I feel right. My hole world has been broken into pieces, the image I had of my husband is gone and that hurts very much, especially when you think you have a perfect marriage and you do not see a sign of something out of place, I just had a baby and my husband travels a lot, I feel betrayed because I am here taking care of his baby thinking ohh he is working he will never do anything stupid!! Meantime my husband was having lots of fun going out and ended up having sex with one of the girls of that new circle of friends he developed during his travel. Things for me will never be the same !!! He broke my heart, took away all the wonderful memories and things we shared , he stole from me the sense of trust , I will never see him with the same respect.. See this is the big deal!!! My entire world has changed thanks to the stupidity and selfishness of a person.

  25. I’m a divorced mother of two college-aged boys. I am in a live-in relationship with a man that I adore even though he is twice-divorced and cheated on both of his exes. In March, he asked me to marry him and shortly afterward I began to notice a change in his behavior. When I discovered that he was enrolled in numerous sexy websites soliciting sex, I was devastated. One of the women even imed me one evening when I was online. He swears he will never do it again and I want to believe him but know that the chances are slim. I truly believe that he loves me. Help!!!!!

  26. Dear casapc:
    Before you decide if you are going to marry this guy you have to trust him, if I were you I will get one of those spy software and find out what is he up to, honestly if he is devorced 2 for the same reason to me sounds he has a serious problem and chances are He will do it again, no matter what he tells you, seems he can not control himself.
    Love has nothing to do with it, he can love you to pieces and still can cheat on you, trust me.

  27. Gemini,
    Are you talking about tammy?
    If you are, I see your piont.
    And if you are not, I see your point:)

  28. i mustsay my wife has always asked me if i look at other woman she has never accused me of cheating,,,, i never have been tempted and it makes me so mad when she asks me things like di d you look at her because the answer is no i actually adore my wife who i am well aware other men swoon over in front of me which is disgusting ….and really i dont even notice these other women they dont interest me in the slightest,,, all these men going on about cheating,, temptation,, and hanging out at strip bars give all the other decent guys who dont act like this or think like this a bad name and we end up getting stick for there behaviour ,, im 26 and been with my wife since i was 20,, the only woman i ever have been with and can honestly say there is no temptation what so ever ,,,i really think all you cheaters should get a life you have no right to say all men are tempted or would cheat in a bad situation ….and if you survey a bunch of guys at a night club you rgoing to get different answers than if you asked outside a restaurant

  29. Thanks Gemini. I’ve been doing a lot of research on this subject. I always felt that cheating was a sign of a problem in the relationship,but I’m realizing that is not always the case. As for spying on him, I guess I feel like if it comes to that point, there’s no reason to stay together.

  30. Why is it that a man thinks you are cheating if you don’t want to have sex with him every night? My husband thinks this way and I don’t understand it. I don’t share the drive that he does and he thinks there is someone else during the week. Help!!!

  31. I’ve been asking myself the same question lately because I have a friend who has barely been married a year and already he’s being very sketchy about the things he is doing. I am quite observant and since I work with this guy, it’s not easy to pull one over on me. Unfortunately his wife is a little less aware of what he’s doing.
    But he’s the consumate flirt, and a mutual friend of ours even told me he was sending text messages to this girl we know — often and as late as 2 AM. Now, I have no idea where his wife is during these times because frankly, she’s got a leash (although apparently not long or tight enough!)
    He receives (and sometimes ignores) many sketchy calls on his cell phone…he used to leave condoms at the office where we work…and I even randomly caught him having lunch with a woman even though he told me he was meeting a guy friend that we knew.
    It’s bugging me because I know for a fact he cheated on her when they were going out, and I guess I didn’t believe the “Once a cheater, always a cheater thing” so when I stood up in his wedding I figured everything would be just fine after that. I guess I was wrong.
    I suppose I just find it unbelievable that he doesn’t realize the potential consequences of his actions. And it bugs me even more that they are urgently trying to start a family.
    Why bring kids into this disaster waiting to happen!?!?!?

  32. (this comment posted under Creative Commons license Attrib-ShareAlike-NonCommercial)
    Why do people believe that “one spouse” is the only way to go? Why do people deny such a basic biological drive for purely puritanical, essentially scientifically indefensible position — and then have the pure, unmitigated gall to try to force their positions on anyone and everyone else?
    Oh, wait, I keep forgetting: religion. The belief that you are right, that you live your life (or at least that you try to live your life) the best way you can — and never stop to think that what is best for you is not necessarily what is best for anyone else.
    I have to wonder about all of those statistics that Men’s Health and such spout — “50% of all men have had an extramarital affair” and such. My own experience leads me to believe that that number is a lot higher, and that by 10 years into a marriage, one or both partners in almost any relationship will have had sexual congress with at least one person outside their relationship. BUT. Many of those occur with the knowledge and/or blessing of the partner. (And many of them occur with the partner involved.)
    And I cannot help but see it as a good thing, when it is done in harmony. I cannot categorically state that my belief is that we should subliminate our biological needs and urges — and I cannot categorically state that everyone should feel guilty over giving in to them. Looking back over time, we see the example of the Victorian era — a time when pedophilia ran rampant, when women were trained not to have orgasms (but could go to a doctor for a genital massage to relieve “hysteria”), and when the condom was first introduced “to prevent numerous bastard offspring”. A time when masturbation was cause for commitment to a mental asylum. A time when the core of society was rotten… even though on the surface it appeared prim and proper.
    “But what about jealousy?” Jealousy is a sign and symptom that there is an emotional need that is not being met, and it’s better to face it than to run away from it or prevent it from ever running its ugly face rampant across the hallowed halls of our homes. Ask yourself this: Have you ever wondered if your spouse was cheating on you — perhaps because of a change of behavior, or a change of mood? Have you ever looked around for signs of that cheating that you’re projecting onto your spouse?
    If you’re afraid of something, you should talk about it. If you’re worried about something, you should bring it into the open, not sit on it. Spouses are there to support each other — and to be a foundation upon which the children that our society needs in order to perpetuate itself can learn to live their lives. Can you show such love and caring if you’re constantly worried? Can you honestly believe that your children won’t see the fear, the uncertainty, the mistrust slowly start to build?
    Why do so many men cheat on their spouses? (Well, honestly, I think you should call a spade a spade, and say it like this: “Why do so many men cheat on their wives?” Especially after the massive conservative movement to prevent men from ever being the spouses of other men.) I honestly don’t know. But I can certainly tell you that the numbers are similar on the other side of the fence — so why do so many women cheat on their spouses? (Er, again, it should be phrased “Why do so many women cheat on their husbands?”) Is the drive to cheat a vengeance for a perceived, yet not conclusively proven, cheating from their spouse? Is it some biological drive to be nonmonogamous? Is it something else entirely? I honestly don’t know.
    But what I do know is this: It isn’t cheating if it isn’t against the rules. If you want to have sex outside of your marriage, talk about it first, and lay down some ground rules about what is and isn’t acceptable. You don’t have to bring your kids into it, and it’s entirely possible they’ll see their mom or dad getting jittery that first time… but in the end, when you come home, there will be relief there, and more trust than there was before. And shouldn’t trust exist in all of our relationships?
    -Kyle A Hamilton
    Minister of the Church of Universal Life

  33. Gemini,
    I know how you feel because I hve experience the same thing twice. I’m with you, why would they want to ruin other lives because of their selfish acts. When something like this haapen it’s hard to get over especially if you invested years into a relationship with someone you trust and then it can be broken into pieces in a blink of an eye. I know it’s hard, but it some men out there that want the same thing you do. That’s what I always tell myself.

  34. Amen Kyle. I understand the emotion and intensity of feelings that surround such a touchy subject, but you’re right, if you don’t think of it as “cheating” or get past the idea that someone doesn’t really love you if they want to have sex with someone else, many of these problems wouldn’t exist.
    It’s true that many couples have very loving and supportive (but not sexual) relationships and are not burdened by jealousy. (Personally I would be more upset if my partner found someone s/he preferred to talk or laugh with than if I knew s/he were physically attracted to someone else!) Why shouldn’t someone be able to have sex with someone else but not have that mean the end of the marriage? Jealousy, ego get in the way.
    Yes, I sleep with a married man who has something of a “don’t ask don’t tell” relationship with his wife. Otherwise, they get along, are great parents and are of course, staying together for the kids. Neither of us thinks of it as cheating, it’s an expression of our friendship.
    How could this possibly be a negative thing?

  35. I never expected to see so many rationalizations for cheating when I started this discussion thread, I must admit. It all seems easy and simple to me: if you have a relationship where from the very beginning there’s been a clear understanding that there’s no monogamy and that “faithful” refers to your love, not your actions, well, then it’s cool. Otherwise, when one partner is cheating and rationalizing it as “we have an open relationship, as long as I don’t mention it to my spouse’, well, that’s just cheating. And as I’ve said all along, I think that the foundation of any good relationship is open and honest communication.

    • I just found out my husband has been cheating on me for 2 years.Let me tell you I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest.I hate all men

  36. Food for thought:
    I have been the one cheated on and I have been the “other woman” and neither is a good place to be in.
    As the “other woman” there are numerous questions and points. Yes, why is it that the married men do not have the courage to address the issues in their marriage first or to even admit to the outside person that they are married?
    On the flip side, you see all the media portrayals of the wives as victims with no role or responsibility with regards to their marital problems and that it is all the man’s fault. That is not to say that having an affair is the appropriate way to address the problems, but you are kidding if you think you dont have a role in this too. It takes TWO people to make a marriage work.
    Can you really sit here and say that you had no idea there were any problems or issues? You cant really be that oblivious. Denial is a wonderful thing. And it isnt always the other woman that pursued the relationship, so maybe you should direct your anger at the man who had disregarded your marriage and pursued me and BTW forgot to mention he was married for most of the relationship and because of the nature of my work, it didnt come into question for quite some time.
    I understand that it takes a lot of work to raise kids and maintain a house. But the reality is, there is a reason they invented babysitters and your marriage is well worth the investment even if it is an indulgence. And the kids grow up, the mortgage gets paid and then that leaves the two of you and you owe it to yourselves to keep and sustain and maintain your relationship too. And I learned that lesson the hard way. Never again.
    When my husband cheated on me, yes I was betrayed and hurt and felt victimized at first. And then I thought about what role I had in all of this and I couldnt say that I didnt have one too. I just didnt want to deal with it and didnt think this would happen.
    And then these women find out that their husbands have been in an affair for well over a year if not more and in love with another woman, yet beg them to come home and work it out? While I appreciate that there may be kids involved, how can you ever really trust him? I know that I stayed and truth be told it was for the wrong reasons and no, I never trusted him. In hind sight, I can safely say that you deserve better than that. And when all of this has been gone for so long do you seriously think that you can revive it? Sometimes, rarely.
    Now for the married man, how can he claim he is in love with the other woman yet go home and try to work it out? And yet he wont stop calling or stop trying to seeing you or lying to his wife about you. Is that love? And how can she be so oblivious when he tells her that he suddenly cuts off a relationship with a woman he was “in love with” and not be concerned? And if he really in theory loved you as the other woman, then why is he still there and why did he lie to you too? I sometimes think the only winners in this are the guys. Not always, but what could be better than having two women fighting for your “love”? If that isnt an ego boost what is?
    There are many sides to all of the issues and we can all sit here and judge everybody, but as the old adage goes, “You cant judge a man until you walk in his shoes”

    • As usual giving excuses, if things are not right, no blame game. Try and sort it out and if is not working for heavens sake two wrongs dont make a right, dissolve the marriage and move on- do not defile the marriage bed!!

  37. I just found out 4 days ago that my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me towards the end of the summer while I was home for a summer internship. They both claim that they “only” had sex a few times and that really it was nothing emotional. They were just dating. She did not even know I existed, so honestly, I can’t be mad at her.
    The thing I don’t understand is that he had to walk his father to the house where his mother was cheating on his dad when he was 9 years old. One of the first things he said to me was “I promise, I will never cheat on you.”
    After seeing the pain he went though with his dad he said he never could do it. But yet he still did. He claims he didn’t know what he was doing, it just happened etc.
    I guess I just don’t understand how he could flat out say to this woman… no, I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t think I have totally comprehended all that is going on or has transpired in the past few days. Part of me deep down knows I deserve better. But we have three wonderful years of memories and I truly do love him. He loves me too… or so he claims… but how do I know his actions now are true?
    I also thought they were true up until 5 days ago. I don’t know if I trying to forgive because I know there are psychological issues involved here. It is obvious he has a fear of commitment. But is it even worth trying to salvage?
    I know some people cheat and work through it and their relationships are better than ever… however, this is not the majority of experiences I have heard. He has agreed to couples counseling so I think that is a step in the right direction, but I think I need to figure out what I need.
    Why am I even considering continuing this relationship with a man who cannot keep his promises before marriage? How do I know it will change? Will things ever feel right? How do I know it won’t happen again? If we don’t have trust then what do we have? How do people make it through things like this?
    And then I can’t help but think… when you spent the night over there did she nuzzle her head in the crook of your arm like I do? Did you feel warm and comforted? He claims that the minute he had sex with her he knew he should never do it again… but then did at least two more times? Why? Is it because like anything related to sex once you do it it is easier the second time?
    And again the big question for the night… am I wasting my energy even trying to work this out? Is it worth it? Will we ever work?
    I guess only God knows… I just wish he could give me a little clue… then again, maybe the cheating was. I mean… I know that there may have been problems… apparently, more than I thought, but when you are in a relationship rut, you don’t go cheat… you work on them, and if you can’t work… you get out/ break it off.
    Oh, he also brought up the whole feeling pressured to get married. I am sorry, I have at least 3 more years of school left… therefore, any talk about marriage is just fun and not real as it won’t be happening soon.
    All I am saying is voice the concerns and work through them together, not on the side with some other woman… and again… am I crazy to still love him, believe him when he says he still loves me greatly and that I am included in his future plans?
    Am I crazy for wanting to try and work through this?
    Thanks for reading.

    • Yes, you sure are, get rid of the bloke before you seriosly commit to him. Nothing comes from nothing- infidelity runs in families.
      Sincerely you are stooping too low, this is not a mariage – get out, boost your self esteem and get some who deserves you!!

  38. I recently found out that my husband of sixteen years has been cheating on me for the past year. Then, he decided to come completely clean and told me of four other affairs since the beginning of our marriage.
    I was completley devasted. I have dedicated the past sixteen years of life to him. Everything that I do is for him and our children. I have put my own wants and needs aside for him. I have encouraged him to go out with his friends because he needs that time with them. I encouraged him and helped him though college. I have never asked for his help when I took off a few years to raise our kids, keep the house clean, and have his dinner ready for him when he got home. I never minded him going to strip clubs with his friends. I am open to having another woman with us in our sexual adventures.
    I just do not understand why he had the affairs. He told me two of them was when he was out drinking with friends and the women approached him. But I cannot accept that it was because he was drinking. He knew what he was doing when he left the bar, paid for a hotel and purchased protection.
    The more recent two affairs have been women he meet on the Internet. He claims they asked to meet with him. When I asked him if he was thinking about me when he had the affairs he said “yes”. I asked him if he still felt love for me when he had the affairs he said “yes”. I then asked why did he have the affairs knowing that he could lose me and all that we built together and he couldn’t answer my questions.
    I feel used and taken advantage of. I feel as though I may have been the cause for him to have the affairs, but he said it wasn’t me it was him.
    What more do I need to do to keep him faithful to me?
    We seemingly had a great sixteen years of marriage that came with its ups and downs. How can I trust him now? What is a woman to do who has given her heart to someone who she thought was her soul mate? How do you stop loving someone who has meant so much? How would his image tarnish in our childrens’ eyes if they ever found out? How could we teach them our society morals when he couldn’t follow them?
    Men do not understand the impact of an affair. Many believe it is just “sex” and it wouldn’t hurt. My husband has been my world for so long that the hurt caused me to attempt suicide for I believe that I could not wake up the next morning and live with the knowledge that he hurt me so much. I then fell into a state of depression that I did not end the pain with my attempt. That I was lied to by the person I trusted the most. That little bit of pleasure for him has change our whole world. The man that I trusted with my love, my heart, my world and my life threw it away for a little pleasure with another woman.
    I don’t understand why he would hide this when I am bisexual and willing to have another woman with us. The hurt didn’t just come from the affairs but the lies. Why? I trusted him. What more can I give of myself?
    Forgiveness is the hardest thing a person can do. It takes a lot to repair the hurt that cut deep into my heart. I don’t want to lose him, but I am afraid to trust him again.
    He says he doesn’t want me to leave, that he wants to rebuild our relationship.
    Men need to learn to be open and honest with their wives because the hurt and pain that comes with distrust is hard. Through counseling, attending church and taken more time for ourselves to be together we are trying to repair the trust and build the forgiveness.
    I wonder on a daily basis if I am doing the right thing. Am I saving our marriage for our childrens’ sake? No. Children are adaptable.
    I am doing this because he is my life, my world and my true love. He has my heart and I can’t take it back. Not after all that we have built together. Can I forgive his faults? With time, I believe so. Can I trust him? No, not yet. He has to earn it back.
    I hope my story here helps the many “cheaters” out their that little bit of pleasure that is just “sex” can damage more than their marriage, their kids but it can damage their wife. Yes, I still cry when I think about his affairs. I still wonder what I didn’t do right. I still wonder if he will cheat again. I still wonder if the pain that I feel in my heart will ever go away.
    I will not know what the future holds, but I hope that with time I can forgive him, trust him again, mend the pain and hurt in my heart and stop me from thinking that ending my life would have been a better choice.

    • Dont be decieved, this man is a novice, do not let him off so easily- four affairs– I cant believe you are even staying!!
      You need a reality check.

  39. I have read all the postings and really don’t understand how all but two completely blame the man or the ‘other woman’ for the situation. It does take two to make a marriage work, just as it takes two to have an affair. I have seen it a million times; people get married, have children, and get comfortable – and I’m talking both men and women here. They assume they’re settled and they suddenly forget that they are with a person who has needs and feelings.
    How many of you who are married act the same as you did when you were dating? Go a little further to make sure things are special and that your partner is happy?
    I have been married so I do know how easy it is to get complacent and think you don’t need to go the extra mile any more simply because you are in a committed relationship. I have never been cheated on but I do have friends who have done it and I was the ‘other woman’ once, and those are the reasons they have given.
    They loved their spouses, but felt in a sense that they had given up on them — not doing things they once did or making the effort they had in the past. I’m not saying this excuses things but I agree completely when it was said there are signs that your partner is unhappy or unfulfilled.
    I’m a psychologist who specializes in marriage/relationship counseling so I have seen it all, and I can think of only 3 times in my 10+ years of practice when there were no visible indicators that I could discern. Most of the time in my experience it all goes back to the complacency – simply not caring enough to recognize the signs, or as one poster said “denial is a beautiful thing”.
    There is a reason there are babysitters and books and videos on how to keep a sex life interesting, only the people I have dealt with didn’t care enough to take the time to attempt to keep their marriage healthy and fresh.
    Did you know that throughout their lifetimes 2 out of 5 men will engage in extramarital affairs and 1 out of 3 women?
    Just wanted to throw that in since most of the posts have been man-bashing ones, but the truth is almost as many women do it as men.
    Just some food for thought as people seek someone upon which to place the blame. Also always remember, by taking back a cheater you are telling them that their behavior is acceptable and that’s another thing I have learned from my years of seeing broken marriages — Once he/she cheats, he/she will almost certainly do it again…

  40. I agree with that i mean why do men think that they can get away with cheating i mean some way some how that woman is going to find out and she will be really hurt. Im a woman myself and i know from the past that i have been cheated on and it hurts alot. When or if and man say’s “i love you’ they need to mean it. A woman is alot more emoions to deal with and we get hurt more so i think it is not fair for a man to cheat and other ment think that cool or what ever and when a woman dose it she is a whore why is that?

  41. i am currently in a relationship with a married man. we love each other and both plan to see where this relationship takes us. neither of us were looking for someone it just happened. he does not discuss his wife with me nor do i ask any questions about her. i dont even know her name. i would not purposefully go looking for a married man just to steal him away from his wife but im not going to deny his and my happiness simply because they met first.

  42. I feel the same way as Dissenting Cheater above … I’ve been married for 7 years now, however, my relationship with my wife has steadily deteriorated over the last 3 1/2 years. Ever since our second child my wife claims she doesn’t want to have sex anymore. At all. It changed her. So how fair is that? She has openly told me to go out and have affairs to get my sexual needs met. I have no desire to see other women. She is the love of my life, and the only woman I want. I don’t want to pressure her, however it appears that she’s already out. To get ‘her way’ recently she has started acting selfish and uncompassionate. I’m getting ‘pushed out’ and I’m wondering if ‘cruel’ is just around the corner. It seems to me that there are worse things than sexual cheating in a marriage … In my view, being unfaithful is a metaphor, and it doesn’t matter if its physical or emotional – it has to do with intimacy. Love is really not enough in a marriage these days, and if a promise is broken, it is really a statement about care. When there is a crisis of caring, and we can no longer trust that our partner will care for us, then who can we be intimate with?
    I have young children and this is like a dagger through our family’s heart. They’re both innocent of all this, but will likely be the one’s to get really hurt in the end. My wife claims ‘she can’t help her feelings’. This sounds to me like the many male respondent’s above who profess they also ‘couldn’t help themselves’ to the physical relationships that have tempted them. Is she being selfish and irresponsible, or am I just to accept that my sexual life is over at my young age? I am in physical pain lying beside her wanting more … but, as she claims, the train has already left the station. I profoundly believe that men cheat because their needs are not being met, of one type or another. Any woman who thiks otherwise is fooling themselves. Men who are completely happy in their relationships don’t cheat – they have the strength to resist temptation. Men who are on less sure ground, do not.

    • You need help urgently. Your wife is depressed or has some psycho-social disorder.
      seek help my brother and do not dare be adulterous- you will destroy your home and it is not worth it.
      I am truly glad that you are reaching out, see a psychologist before it is too late – she is definitely reacting to something, there is more here than you are saying and you owe to your family to work it out. Kudos brother live your vows-for better or for worse….
      will keep you in prayer

  43. I just received an email yesterday from a guy I have been dating for a couple of weeks. The email was sent in reply to my Good Morning message,which, I had sent that morning. The reply was “DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE DEALING WITH A MARRIED MAN”???? I could’nt believe it! I replied “what?” then I sent another message stating ” No I did’nt know and please don’t distress over me. I am still in shock over this entire episode… How can someone so sweet and intelligent also be a “liar” and a “cheat”. I am the biggest loser in this even though he called and spoke of apologies and the such…he even commented that he wanted to come and be with me. I feel like a fool but I would help him If I was truly asked. I spoke with him yesterday till he fell asleep and haven’t heard from him at all today. How can I get through this? Obviously there is nothing here for me. How do you control the desire to be with the person who is the source of so much pain and dishonesty.

  44. My ex-husband is caught up in a vicious circle of trying to live his life over and over and continues to make the same mistakes. I am wife #2. He is currently on wife #3 and she has 2 kids that live with them (Poor things) I know for a fact he is cheating on her too with the same woman who broke up his 1st marriage and ours. I can’t blame her though, she is just as much a victim as we were. But I don’t think she will ever figure it out! He calls she comes running. But he always seems to get married to someone else. Can’t figure out how he justifys that to her and keeps her interested.
    Wife #1 and I have compared notes. It is pretty amazing what we put up with with this guy. It is almost like the movie Groundhog day, every day you wake up and its the same thing over and over. I’ve come to the conclusion he will never get it right! With every new wife the cycle begins again, the stalking the threats the harrassment we’ve all gone through this to fight for our husband with this woman, which reminds me of another movie! All of his lies, the all nighters he has pulled the drinking the emotional abuse that we are just imagining that he is having an affair.
    In a nutshell he is a self centered loud obnoxious rude crude and socially unacceptable person who thinks everyone admires him. Neither one of us can remember what we ever saw in him. We both have children by him. She wasn’t so lucky, she didn’t have the emotional strength or finances to fight him during the divorce. He was given custody of the 2 kids and he did everything he could to alienate them from their mother. Big Mistake! The kids now 15 & 17 resent him and now he wants nothing to do with them. The kids live with their mother now and he refuses to help with support. I on the other hand had a good attorney. He just has visitation. My child has her Dad pretty well figured out and can manipulate him quite well. But he really doesn’t have a clue about what being a good parent is all about.
    Did I mention he was narcisistic? The whole world must center around his wants and needs. He is perfect. During family counseling, it was his opinion the kids were the ones that were screwed up and he refused to take any blame or admit he was the one who needed help. That is when the counselor took me aside and said, “he is hopeless, move on with your life, he won’t change and you can’t live like this and neither can your child.”
    So I decided there was no way he would get the best of me. Don’t get me wrong it was a very painful and emotional time. But after the counselor told me about a dozen times it wasn’t my fault, I took control and when I left him I made some business contacts and started a new company that is in neck and neck competition with his. It drives him nuts!!! Three years running I’ve worked my fanny off and it is paying off not only financially but has been a great help during my healing process.
    He runs off on all his vacations with his new wife who is totally clueless and I’m just here working and taking care of our daughter and watching his business go slowly down the tubes! Sweet revenge my way!
    Words of advice.
    If you are going to cheat, don’t get married and if you do get married do not have kids they are the ones who you will hurt the worst!
    Single or married women don’t fall for a married man. Think about it! You wouldn’t want it to happen to you. If he will cheat with you he’ll cheat on you. Goes for the other way around too!

  45. I’ve cheated a lot. What is a lot? How about ten women in the last eight years? And, three of those relationships were long term.
    In the beginning of my marriage I did not cheat. After my children were born I continued not to cheat for 16 years! Now that is amazing! Not really, I just had my priorities straight. My children always come first, especially when they were young.
    Most men AND women who really believe they can get away with it cheat. I’ve been around and I know. Trust me, this is true.
    Why do I cheat? Sex with the same person over a long period of time becomes stale. It’s very exciting and great for one’s self-esteem to have many lovers!
    Many lovers, but ONLY one wife.
    No lover will ever replace my wife. She is the mother of my children and I will always be loyal to her in every respect except sex. Even though I love others I will not leave my wife, as she is a key foundation of my life, which I respect.
    We are not designed to be sexually monogamous. Healthy people with healthy sex drives know this within their hearts.
    Yes, men and women cheat. Men and women have always cheated and will always cheat in the future. Having multiple sex partners is the natural way of life even within the animal kingdom.
    People who claim that they do not cheat are liars, possess a low sex drive or are religious nuts.
    Women cry out the most when they’ve been cheated on, so the perception is that it’s the men who are doing all the cheating. In my experience, women actually cheat more than men do. They are just better at keeping their relationships discreet. And, of course men will not typically cry on each other’s shoulders if their wife cheats, so a cheating wife situation tends to stay discreet.
    Others may argue my point of view, but I am absolutely right because I’ve experienced it all…long periods of monogamy and long periods of infidelity. Infidelity feels so much better and natural.

  46. Bill had written: ” Infidelity feels so much better and natural”
    It’s amusing (and sad) to see how, in this day and age, many people conflate “what feels good” with what is right. As I had written above, if there is no such thing as objective morality, then “whatever feels good” is right. So, if the Columbine kids who shot their classmates did so because it felt good, does it make their actions “right”? Infidelity is also called adultery, also known as fornication. Those are words you hardly hear used nowadays, but let’s call a spade a spade.

  47. Victor is equating infidelity to the Columbine shootings??? Actually, he may have a point here…Sometimes when I haven’t banged anyone in a long time my frustration level causes me to “bang” people at random with my other “gun.”…Smile. You’re a real intellectual comedian there Victor.
    Victor also states, “Infidelity is also called adultery, also known as fornication. Those are words you hardly hear used nowadays, but let’s call a spade a spade.”
    Well, yes Victor, those words (adultery and fornication) are used in that “fairy tale” book that you probably carry around. With your head buried in the book, you may not have noticed that your significant other is getting busy elsewhere. It’s guys like you who just never get a clue.
    In my previous post I stated, “People who claim that they do not cheat are liars, possess a low sex drive or are religious nuts.” Which category do you people believe Victor falls into? I’ll give you a clue: (adultery and fornication) Easy huh?
    And, in case you’re wondering, yes, Victor is in all likelihood a big Bush supporter who lives in a southern state and probably prays with live poisonous snakes dangling from his hands on Sundays.
    It’s too bad that Victor was born in the wrong century. Imagine the fun-filled life he could have lived in the 1700s burning “witches” at the stake for their “evil-doin’s.”
    Folks, men and women have always cheated and always will cheat. It’s biologically normal, natural and healthy.

  48. Bill, I’m not American, I don’t live in the U.S., I don’t support Mr Bush, and the fairy tale book of which you speak has had a far greater influence on the history of Western civilization than your addled libertine mind cares to admit.
    When you say “Folks, men and women have always cheated and always will cheat” you are certainly describing the common predicament of all mankind, but also merely one facet of its existence. Nothing new there. Now, when you assert “It’s biologically normal, natural and healthy” you commit the error of elevating what is subjectively true for yourself to an objectively universal standard — an obvious case of secular fundamentalism if there ever was one.
    If there is no such thing as objective morality, it hardly matters that your arguments are specious, and you should not feel offended in the slightest if I point this out. If you consider monogamy to be an aberration, perhaps you should be a Mormon or a Muslim, I’ve heard that they allow for multiple spouses.

  49. Victor,
    Sometimes a person doesn’t know whom they are dealing with, especially on the Internet…
    You told me that you do not live in the USA, so I looked up your last name in a search engine to determine your ethnicity. Boy, did I get a wakeup call!
    You are a very impressive guy in many aspects. You have excelled in many areas of life. And, our lives are paralleled in many ways that surprised me very much. The one thing I can tell you is that we have much more in common that you might imagine.
    After viewing your family photos I came to realize that you are now in a place that I was in 10 years ago, which makes sense because I am 10 years older than you.
    When my children were the age of your children, I was their protector and they were my world, including my wife. And, during those very special years I never strayed once because my family was my priority. My family is still my priority, but my children are now young adults themselves, so they don’t require my presence as before. My wife is also a priority due to the fact that she is the mother of my children and no lover can replace her.
    I apologize for being rude and silly in my post to you. You are doing all the right things in your life. Your priorities are certainly in order. You have a great family and extended family. I could feel it when looking at your photos.
    When I have a chance I’ll send you a personal email to share in the similarities/parallels of our lives. It is rather amazing.
    Take care. You are a good and decent man.
    Sincerely,
    Bill

  50. Cheating is called “cheating” for a reason. The definition of cheating is “the act of deceiving.” You are deceiving not only your spouse, but yourself as well. If you make a commitment to someone, you are committing your love, your life, your honesty and your loyalty to that person. If you need to spice up your sex life because one woman is not enough for you then you need to be honest to your spouse and tell them your needs or you should not have married. Honesty is plays a big role in any relationship. How can you be trusted with any topic if you are dishonest about the one that is a life altering change to two peoples lives?

  51. to all who think that waiting until the kids are old enough to handle a divorce is best I have one question? When is that. My parents were divorced do to my dads infidelity when I was already married with 2 kids of my own. It was traumatizing even then. I began to doubt all that I had been taught and all that I thought was real. No time is a good time. Divorce is traumatic for the entire family whenever it happens. Infidelity and divore creates a ripple effect that touches people all around you. Even people you would not have thought of.

  52. I’ve cheated on my wife in the past. I”m planning on cheating on my wife in the near future. I love her to death, but I want to do these hurtful destructive things, and feel unable to control my self. Whats wrong with me. Why can’t I just be good?

  53. Relax. You are fighting nature and the natural way of things. There is nothing wrong with you and you are still a good person.
    All healthy males and most females lust for others. Some people who are very stubborn can suppress these urges, sometimes even for long periods of time. But, suppressing of such strong feelings can result in a host of physical and emotional problems in the long run.
    You already know that when you do it you feel good. However, you are allowing yourself to suffer psychologically later as a result of unrealistic societal induced Puritanical values. Such “values” from the Victorian era are unhealthy to the mind and body; therefore they are valueless to the enlightened mind.
    Love your wife and never leave her for your sideline adventures. People who make that mistake regret it. Enjoy your adventures, but take every precaution imaginable to keep her from finding out. If you love her you should never tell her of the other relationships because that would hurt her. And, what you do on the side isn’t about her at all anyway. It’s about you.
    Don’t cheat if you are going to be psychologically wounded afterwards. It’s important to work out any negative emotional issues beforehand.

  54. I learned of my husband’s cheating early this year. He apologized and said that it was just his immaturity and would never let it happen again. It’s the most painful thing I have ever felt, and is still feeling up to now. One thing I have learned, though, is that I cannot really trust anyone but myself. That cheating destroyed my ego and it really affected my work. I told him that it would be best for us to just split up since things will never be the same again, but he didnt want to. He repeatedly asked for forgiveness and wanted me to give him another just to prove that he’s going to be the best person he can be, for me and our 2 kids. I’m holding on to that now, and praying that things will get better. I can see he’s trying to fulfill his promise but honestly, I don’t trust him anymore. If there’s anything that I need to work on now, its myself and how I can be less dependent on him. I am trying to picture myself as someone who can just go on with her life with or without a man. That’s probably my fault, I depended on him too much and trusted him that he will not do such things; but then again, reality bites – real hard!
    february

  55. Why do men Cheat? No one on this blog has actually answered the question at hand. You would think that a person who has just lost everything thanks to Hurricane Katrina, would not be on this website looking for answers to that question, but here I am. I have been with this man for over 13 years, we have raised two beautiful daughters and are now surviving a very tragic natural disaster.
    But that is not the worst part, the worst part is finally getting back onto the Internet and finding emails from another woman. Imagine that suprise. Anyone have an answer or update for that one?? If someone out there can top this let me know. I lost my home and my relationship all in one swoop of a storm, and I did not see it coming, cause he was so good at hiding all the evidence. Trust me I felt the change in the winds way before he even swayed her way.
    Tonight I even confonted him via the phone and he sounded suprised and denied everything. But once you see it in black and white you know it has to be true in some aspect. We have been separated since the storm ( living in two different states) I wishe I never found the email, but I did and she ( the other woman) even sent a digital greeting card. My soon to be ex said he had no idea what I m talking about and she must be nuts. Well if she is nuts then so am I, you do not need to be a genius to figure out men cheat when it is convient for them and they won’ get caught.
    As soon as you do the lies contiue ( they like to say what they think you want to hear) Only thing I need to know is once a cheater always a cheater, You won’t change, your relationships will all be based on lies that benefit yourself. You have to love and respect yourself before you can get into a relationship. I love myself enough to know that I can do better on my own than being in a felationship that will only make me sick.

  56. Men cheat because
    1) an opportunity to screw someone more attractive than their old aging fat wife arises
    2) their genes made them that way
    The concept of cheating is created by the society we live in just like society says we should eat 3 meals a day. What if we lived in another society that says (due to shortage in foot available for the population) we should eat only once a day. Most people grow up beliving that value and will abide, but for some people they will get hungry and when they see food lying around, they will eat it when no one’s looking. The society’s rules weren’t enough to satisfy the natural instincts. The current rule on monogamy was put in place to protect families. But more and more now our society is becoming somethign found in Huxley’s Brave New World where there are no families, children are born from test tubes, and sex is used just for pleasure not for reproduction.

  57. Men cheat because
    1) an opportunity to screw someone more attractive than their old aging fat wife arises
    2) their genes made them that way
    The concept of cheating is created by the society we live in just like society says we should eat 3 meals a day. What if we lived in another society that says (due to shortage in foot available for the population) we should eat only once a day. Most people grow up beliving that value and will abide, but for some people they will get hungry and when they see food lying around, they will eat it when no one’s looking. The society’s rules weren’t enough to satisfy the natural instincts. The current rule on monogamy was put in place to protect families. But more and more now our society is becoming somethign found in Huxley’s Brave New World where there are no families, children are born from test tubes, and sex is used just for pleasure not for reproduction.

  58. The title of this blog, “Why do so many men cheat on their spouses” is and of itself curious. Curious to me because in my experience women cheat as often as men and in some cases, much more.
    It seems that a more appropriate title would be “Why do so many people cheat on their spouses?”
    “Cheating,” though natural, is almost always devastatingly painful to a spouse when it’s exposed. But, there are lots of painful experiences in life and we never understand why they need to be painful. Think about it. Why does childbirth need to be so painful? After all, it’s natural. It’s a mystery and life is full of mysteries.
    A basic problem is that this natural behavior is defined by the word “cheating.” No wonder it packs such a negative connotation in some people’s minds.

  59. Bill the aspect that you cheat must bother you or you wouldn’t be on this blog trying to justify why you are such a pig!

  60. Oh no, above poster, you’ve misread me. I’m here to enlighten the masses.
    The natural way of things regarding sexual behavior is akin to let’s say…belching or farting. These things are completely natural and normal, but if either occurs in a group of people it becomes a negative event. Especially the farting! But, oh how good it feels to the person conducting these sounds! Who would want to stifle these natural things? Well, maybe you should wait until you’re not in a crowd 🙂
    Natural and normal activities such as “cheating” are good things for the individual, but not always to a “violated” spouse who feels victimized due to abnormal and unrealistic beliefs about love, sex, religion or life in general.
    You called me “Pig.” Well that’s certainly a strange statement. After all pigs are natural too! Leave the pigs alone!
    Let me guess. You’ve been burnt. Well then, you have a right to feel “victimized” as long as this status doesn’t exceed the time frame of a woman who undergoes childbirth who feels “victimized” due to her agonizing pain.
    Yes, one pain is physical and the other is psychological, but my argument would be that even psychological pain is rooted in the physical. (That’s a whole other debate)
    It’s natural and normal to feel betrayed and victimized by a (there’s that nasty, inadequate word again) “cheating” spouse, especially if you hold onto silly notions about love, sex, marriage and human behavior.
    Signed,
    Pig

  61. This subject is very close to me..My wife cheated on me and left me for the other guy…I do not believe we men are “wired” to cheat as some men suggest or its in our blood to mate with as many women as possible..Thats a bunch of crap!! After all, the bible clearly says that “Each man should have his own wife and each women her own husband..The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband and in the same way the husbands body belongs to his wife”
    So tell me boys, where does it say anywhere we men are suppose to screw as many women as we can?

  62. Bill,
    I will quote you, No lover will ever replace my wife. She is the mother of my children and I will always be loyal to her in every respect except sex. Even though I love others I will not leave my wife, as she is a key foundation of my life, which I respect.
    How can you say that you respect her when you go out and have sex with other women? Unless she feels that it is OK with her that you do that. So are you saying you are using your wife to take care of the foundation of your life, to take care of your children, cook your meals, wash your clothes, keep your house. Are those all the things you expect from her yet deny her of your fidelity? How do you think she would feel if she knew? Hurt? Betrayed? How selfish can one human being be? You said you would never leave your wife but but if she left you?
    You seems to have an understanding of what cheating can do to a person emotionally so why would you want to take a chance of her finding out someday? I think you need to find GOD

  63. My wife and I have been married for 30 years. I’ve cheated on her five times. The first two, 20 years ago she still does not know. The second two she knows about. And the one I’m currently in she knows nothing about.
    My wife loves me to death…obligatory love I call it. In others words, she does not choose to love me…she feels she must love me. If she came home and found me in our house in our bed with five women, she would probably not leav. Hurt yes, leave no. Her love smothers me.
    We have been to four different marriage conselors over the years. I’m counseled out…no more counseling. They say that one reason a spouse cheats is because they are not getting their emotional needs met. Could be true and most likely is.
    When a spouse does NOT cheat it’s because they have no desire to. The other person is meeting their needs and keeping them focused on them. The desire to cheat dies a natural death. That is the trick for a non-cheating relationship.

  64. A question: do you believe there a major qualitative difference between someone who isn’t married and has no kids, but lives with a girlfriend, cheating on that girlfriend and someone who is married cheating on his wife?

  65. There are a lot of issues here, as the many comments show. Marriage really comes down to what two people agree on. If it’s ok with your spouse for you to have sex with other people, then that’s not a problem.
    But the problem we’re assuming here is that it’s not ok with your spouse. If that’s the case, then from a moral standpoint, you shouldn’t cheat. But this is not an ideal world, and it’s quite remarkable what your brain will do to justify your behavior.
    Many times, if someone is unhappy in their marriage, then they begin to dislike their spouse, regardless of whose fault it is. They resent their spouse. So when they meet someone who can make them happy, either momentarily or long-term, then it’s not a moral problem for them because they don’t even like the person they’re cheating on.
    And of course there are people who really aren’t concerned about their spouse’s feelings, so they just do what they want and try not to get caught. You can say these people are immoral and worthless, but that doesn’t change the facts.
    As far as biological needs, sure they exist. But humans are capable of resisting biological urges. It just comes down to what you consider more important – your biological needs at the moment or the trust and happiness of your spouse.
    I’m not saying any of this to justify cheating because I really don’t think anyone should hurt the person they married. But the fact is we live in a world with lots of different kinds of people, and it’s easy to lie to yourself to justify your actions when you do things that conflict with your ethics (or even the ethics of those around you).

  66. When judgment and condemnation is applied to situations we do not understand, are we seeking enlightenment, or to justify our ignorance?

  67. I find it truly startling to see such harsh words of condemnation regarding “others”. Is this how we separate ourselves into the “good” and the “bad”, so that we are able to label, name and otherwise hurt, if only with words, those that fall into the latter category. Do our words not cause harm to others? Ah, but then again, can we easily justify our position so that our very own words and actions can be excused from the harm they cause?
    So, if the actions of the ones called “cheaters” are causing pain to others that is unacknowledged by the individual, what hope can we have of understanding if we ourselves cause unacknowledged pain?
    I believe the answer is that we are all wounded, and our inability to see and acknowledge our wounds creates pain in others external to us. And I believe we are called to heal our wounds and thus the external pain we inflict on others.
    For those that feel some resonance, Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now have helped me greatly.

  68. I am also the other woman, I met a wonderful man, we talked of living together, marriage and children….I recently bacame pregnant and called him to tell him the news, instead of getting him on the phone a woman answered and said she was his wife…I hung up the phone, the next day I receieved a call from this man, he was furious, he went on to tell me I had ruined his life, put him in a very bad position and that he would now lose everything he owned.
    I had no idea that this man was married, he filled my head with false hopes, they were all lies, now I have a child on the way and this man refuses to speak with me, he is a selfish liar, who took the affair as far as he could, which was until he was caught.
    I feel like I was the one who was disespected, he had no right to come into my life, my life has been turned upside down, and for what, so this man could satisfy his own selfish needs.
    A man who cheats on his wife is a selfish, untrustworthy liar, it was one thing to bring me into this, but also another to bring a child into it.

  69. Sorry to hear about that Kelly. Unfortunately many men have midlife crisis where they are unable to accept their age and look to a younger woman as some sort of validation (false) that they are still some kind of stud.
    Then reality hits when the wife finds out and they realize it wasn’t worth it.
    I admire woman who work through this husbands that have only errored once. If you do it more than once then you just don’t have the ability to be faithful.
    The blame goes fully to the person doing the cheating but let’s not diminish society’s part in making sex “sexy”……all the show and advertisements push it all over us.

  70. My husband had an affair for over a year with a woman 20 years younger who has 2 children 5 & 6 and is still married but in the process of a divorce. Her husband lives with a woman who gave birth to his son 1 & 1/2 yrs ago.
    My husbands paramour happens to be his sister-in-laws sister. The family knew of this affair all along and I was reaching out to them continually because of my husbands bizarre behavior.
    They lied over and over to me again.
    My husband shut me and my two sons out age 16 & 17. He wouldn’t participate with the family anymore and slept on the couch no matter how hard I pleaded for him to come to bed. He answered my questions while walking anyway and mumbled under his breath and I could never hear him or decipher his reply when I would say I didn’t hear you he would shout at me. When I tried speaking with him he would say Go away and leave me alone.
    I was horrified. I thought he had lost his mind and I was so worried. He tortured me and my sons until I received a Letter from an attorney that he hired for divorce, I had ten days to hire my own attorney.
    His family hid the affair from me until three months after the preliminary hearing, I was without support for four months and carry nearly 40K on credit cards of marital debt & attorney fees. I have a high school diploma and he has a masters degree which I paid for only he has not given me a chance to get on me feet all he does is knock me down.
    On top of it his paramour calls me continually and threatens my life saying she wants to kill me to get rid of me so my husband does not have to pay support and harasses me by repeating what my husband has told her. She tells me he never wanted me, that he never loved me, never wanted the children, never wanted our home. That they are in love and are getting married after the divorce, moving out of state and having more children. She is 27 he is 45, she is family related I am heart broken beyond repair.
    I had two nervous break downs, one panic attack had to be on antidepressants & sedatives. My life was ripped apart. I lost 3/4 of my hair which was beautiful, I lost almost two years of my life. I did not leave my house or go anywhere, I was shattered. She called me one day 17 times which put me in bed for the day.
    Finding out that people who were your family, members that you loved that you helped lied to you when you were begging for help.
    Still to this day my husband cannot come clean and have a conversation with me without leading to my frustration, he doesn’t answer questions he leaves me in the dark. He takes her everywhere and she likes to call and leave messages about their wonderful times together with his replacement family they travel around in our family van she replaced me and her children replaced our sons.
    He was supporting her with the support he kept from me. Right after the court order for support the phone calls intensified. Everything I loved, everything that was my life no longer existed. I lost trust, I lost hope, I lost faith. I cried more in one year then I have in my entire life.
    Divorce is one thing, but there are ways to go about it and to have a person suffer as much as I and my two sons have goes beyond all that is decent in life. His paramour enjoys telling me about their life together, and how happy they are. I am still married but at the final stage and wish it to be over already.
    I can no longer handle the paper work involved, the Attorneys or the Judge, the whole process is draining, I want to live again and I want them both out of my life.
    My husband looks horrible, but yet I hear he is in love and happy only I know him better than most, he is not the man I knew, he has changed into someone who is empty of emotions. His family says when they see them together that they don’t look like they are in love there is no glow.
    Most of his family members either shut him out or lost respect for him, they say he has issues and you are better off without him. He behaves sort of like a mannequin, he is there in form but devoid of emotion. I just started to clear my mind and heart and get out into the world, I have an intense emotional support line from my friends & my family.
    I would have sought professional help but I could not afford it as he cut me off financially until the judge placed a support order. I had to rely on others and my inner strength which was hard to scrape up, but I found some of it and I am not letting it go. I had hated the woman I became, and I mourned the woman I was and her lost spirit. She was happy, telling jokes, singing, dancing, giving, caring, doing for others, cooking incredible meals for her family, she raised a principle list son and an honor roll son, she taught religion for six years.
    I gave to many who needed a friend, I am called an angel by many as I was there when their life was falling apart. I took a beating that goes beyond anyone’s imagination one I did not deserve no human being deserves being treated this way, my pain was their gain.
    The more they hurt me the more they felt strong. They laughed together while reading my emails of my feelings although I did not know until afterwards when his paramour called me. I don’t answer blocked calls or numbers I do not know. I don’t have peace in my own home, I ripped the telephones out as that was the pathway they used to hurt me. Only I placed them back several days later.
    I weaned off the prescription medication against my doctors wishes. I told him I want “Me” back and my eyes filled with tears!! I want to be the woman I was. I am getting there it has taken time but I am getting stronger and have had a straight good week out of nearly two years of mental abuse.
    So if you men think that this is the way to treat your wife of 20 years, the mother of your children, the woman who took care of you. Your clothes that was purchased by her, the meals that she cooked, all done for your convenience. You got up showered for work, there was clean towels and toiletries, there was dinner when you arrived home, your children were well fed and taken care of.
    They excelled in school, your wife involved herself in their activities religion, sports etc… Then you justify turning around and becoming a practiced liar, using your wife’s trust to hide an affair that has disgraced us all. Ripping apart an entire family line that was close with lies.
    I moved on by realizing the man I loved, who was my husband is dead. The man I knew is gone and has been replaced by a stranger I no longer know him nor do I like what he has become, our communication line has been severed, our life tainted. Hiding the affair by him and family for over a year made way for them to get into a deep relationship and took away any chance I had in saving my marriage, with that understood.
    The only solution is to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and move on. I don’t know how that man sleeps at night? I don’t care if he never gets a good nights sleep ever again it would be a small price to pay for the hurt and pain he inflicted on many for his own selfish gains, he makes his bed now literally, he must sleep in it!

  71. I am appauled at some of the post that I have read from self cenerted self serving men.
    There is no way you can justify or any excuse for cheating on your wife. Get out of your marriage if you want to lay down with another. If this sets an example that may lead some of your loved ones to hell is it worth it?
    This is the 7th commandment from God
    You need to listen to what our Lord says about this. Read Ephesians 5:25, Galatians 5:19 and Proverbs 6:32. Repent of your sins and turn to the Lord.

  72. Does anyone think that maybe because of the society we live in today, we are encouraged to cheat? A lot of people say how bad it is, but do they really mean it? It is so common, that maybe some spouses don’t really get how wrong it is. No one said it was easy to stay faithful to your spouse, but it is very possible. I mean, how much easier is it to succomb to temptation, than to resist it? If men or women can’t do it, then do not commit to a lifetime promise of marriage. I think instead of making excuses for ourselves, we should just take resposibility.

  73. Okay, so you men that claim to have too much testosterone saying you ache to have sex with as many woman as possible in order to feel like you’re fulfilling your male role in this world by doing so… I have to ask, Where does that leave your children that get left behind in your struggling fit for cheating in your minds?!
    I will tell you where… broken home, broken beliefs, broken lives and broken hearted!
    And if you think your child suport makes up for the “fatherly” moral suport and guidence they need along with “family stability” from a father than I think you have more than just “testosterone issues”. I am thinking more of a selfishness issue and lack of responsibility to the lives you help to create!

  74. Oh and, Mr. Pig?,
    Pain of the heart is not just psychological, it is also physical and literally “of the heart”. If you actually had a heart, you too would know how a “true heartbreak” feels instead of going around breaking them.

  75. One last thing,
    In my opinion, you people that say you’re unhappy with your “Loving Faithful Spouse”, are just cowards and cop-outs and do not know what true love is.
    It is not that you don’t love your spouce, it is that you don’t love your self and if you don’t love your self, than “love it self” does not and might never exist in your life.
    I feel for those that are faithful and know how to love.
    God Bless You All

  76. Like any subject in this world, you have the people ‘for it’ or ‘agin it’. It is very interesting to read the intense opposing opinions on this subject. It appears that, the person who wants and does cheat and hasn’t been caught yet, ie: no personal pain, loss, heartbreak are for cheating on their spouse, which really includes their family, and the person who has been victimized by a cheater is desperately trying to pull their life and the life of their children together to cope and go on. So..you have the carefree cheater, “I do what I wanna do…” who hasn’t been caught (but would undoubtedly go ballistic if he found out his wife was doing the same), and the struggling anti-cheater and/or victim of cheater, “I’m trying to get my life back”. Then why don’t all the cheaters hang out and get married, and all the decent non-cheaters hang out and get married? A new club….

  77. I agree Toki… This is such a controversal world regardless. “A Cheaters Club” and “Club Faithful” would defenitly put things in perspective and might even out the odds of one to find what they are looking for in life instead of, well, “The Mixed Match club” and/or “Club Heartbreak”. But it all boils down to self control and self wants. The devil on one shoulder and an Angel on the other. Should I or should I not? We all learn from our mistakes, the inocent learn something out of heartache and the children grow stronger, rebelious, full of rage and less trusting but stronger. Some day even the bad realize there mistakes and ask for forgiveness, rather it be in this life or the next, or, on their death bed.
    Free Will seperates the good from from the bad I supose.

  78. I am a married man and I have cheated on my wife. I am going to be honest with you, I love my wife to death and I dont want to give her up at all; unfortunately, after having our second child, her sexual drive dropped from 10 to a 2.
    I cheated on my wife for sex. Now, Im not going to agree or disagree with anyone saying Im guilty or Im not guilty about my vow-breaking habits. I love sex and I wished my wife would love sex more often then she does, but unfortunately it has not happened. I cheated on my wife for the very thing that does drive men to the brink of insanity because it is in our blood, in our genetic coding, and above all human nature. Its wrong what I did, but the sexual tension was so high and my love for my wife great, that I had to do something. Unfortunately, again it is bad. I know. I could not help my self. Im not happy sexually but I am happy with my wife. Noone in this column can tell me that sex is not everything, it is. Sex is the reason why we get married, sex is the very nature of us and the reason why this earth is populated so much. God has even told us to be fruitful and multiply (not in the sense of cheating though). We are sexual beings and it is what makes our servival great.
    I just wish I could really understand why I had done it though on my part.

  79. Now, I want people to truly understand that it is not just “Well, if you loved her so much, you wouldnt have cheated on her…” it is not black and white, it is every colour of the rainbow. So, the single mom needs to be in everyones’ shoes and not just in her own.

  80. True, but if she knew that you were on the brink of cheating, wouldn’t she have had the opportunity to at least try to do something about it? Maybe she’d take a good hard look at how important sex is to you and make a real effort to be what you want? Maybe couples’ therapy could spice up the old love life? Even with a job you get warned before they can you; it’s only fair. I dunno, just a thought.

  81. Oh, I did forget to add… about this whole “biological need to spread the seed” thing. You would think that with the use of birth control for the last several decades, that evolution would have kind of nixed that whole need that stems back from the bible, when, if you had sex, you had a baby. If that were the case these days, MY GOODNESS!! The whole evolution theory is valid… consider the high level of infertility these days. Possibly a direct result of: a) women who should be home raising children are now working and as stressed as men, b) people are having so much more sex, that the quality of the reproductive functions has been compromised (sex for pleasure rather than the old-fashioned sex for procreation), c) women now use birth control until they are “ready” for a child, then when they are “ready”, they are unable to conceive. Hmmm. Could be a sign that this isn’t how God had intended it. So, all you men that love to fall back on the whole, “It’s not my fault, my entire gender was constructed to spread their seed”… BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Although some women may disagree, I feel as though men have evolved, if only a little bit, from the “caveman days”. And by the way, we were created to conceive a child when we fornicate for a reason. Maybe to force us to be responsible, to know that there are consequences for our actions. But now that we can control whether or not we have a child, men have it better than ever before. They can be with their wives 3 times a day without having to worry about having 25 kids before their 40th birthday. Try some restraint man.

  82. I want to apologize for my rant. I have no room to talk, as I am on birth control. I have one child, and had 2 miscarriages. My husband can’t go through that again, so birth control it is. Oh, and my husband “needs” it all the time and gets it only about 10-12 times a week, because after a long day of entertaining a 2 year old and watching the same episode of Barney and Thomas 10 times a day, I’m not necessarily in the mood. The little guy is worth it to both of us though, and my husband wouldn’t trade him for all the sex in the world.

  83. how can you trust a man who will lie to you about the little things that are not important? I think the hurt comes from the lie part of the deal,sure the truth might be painfull sometimes for alot of us.How can you possibly trust the very same person who is telling you not to trust your gut feelings, by telling you that your crazy? I almost always find myself looking for shelter or some place to hide.As a woman Im torn all the time, wanting to believe in my hero when he says ill never hurt you ,like so many have in the past.if Ive learned not to trust my feelings than how do I know that he is telling the truth? My heart cant take it anymore for fear of it blowing up into a million pieces.Im in search of a piece allright, a piece of mind.jennifer

  84. I came across your page while I was googling “Are men natural born cheaters?” and I just wanted to say “thank you” for helping me have faith (just a little bit) on men again. After my boyfriend of 2 years (who planned on asking me the big question once we graduated) cheated on me twice and guy friends of mine cheated on their girlfriends (who also were considering marriage) I completely lost faith in men and thought I would be better off alone.
    I just couldn’t believe a guy so loving, who didn’t mind making a fool out of himself for me, and talked about marriage with his parents and grandparents could make such multiple attempts to sleep with other women.
    He asked me for a clean slate and that he truly has regretted his actions. At the time I didn’t think he would change, but after reading your post I’ve come to decide that maybe men CAN be trusted. I think I can leave all the pain and feelings of betrayal behind and start fresh again. I just want to say thank you for helping me make up my mind.

  85. I’m new to this site. I have a story to tell and I would like to get some feed back. My husband had an 8 month affair in 2003. I discovered the affair in 2004. He told me it was my fault because I had gained so much weight and I suffer from several illnesses. Later he told me that he has had resentment towards me regarding my weight since before we got married. We married in 1993. We have two young kids. He says he is still resentful towards me and I can tell by the way he treats me and the way he looks at me. I’m so confused. I don’t work anymore due to my illness. He is the sole financial income and he has the health insurance that pays for my medication for my illness. I could really use some advice regarding what others think about my situation.

  86. Its obvious that too many people here take the word of the good lord too seriously, the great thing about you christians is that if you falter the big man will always forgive you if you repent your sins (the “get out of jail” monopoly card) meanwhile as an agnostic I have to live with my regret of cheating on my wife. Do I have regret yes i do, did i enjoy what i did, yes I did, why did i do it, well despite conforming to a normal life my interest is in domination and control and i found someone who needed that control, does that mean i havent been honest to myself in the first place well only I can answer that, anyway you raging christians, lose the holier than thou attitude before i get my whip out and flog you all (hmm actually I wouldnt do that as it was a very christian thing to do in the crusades.

  87. I can’t believe most of the men on this website. Yes, some of the men on here sound like good, moral men. But the most of them, your thoughts on cheating make me sick to my stomach.Why do you think it’s called cheating to begin with? Instead of “my run around and have a good time thing” If you can’t keep your “manhood” in your pants, why even get married? There is no excuse for cheating. Even if a woman offers herself to you that doesn’t mean you have to accept.
    My husband got an STD because of his wandering. Guess what? He does not have the balls to admit his afairs even though I know. He will deny till he dies. I thought that besides my parents, he would be the only person I could trust and who would never hurt me, boy was I stupid.
    As far as I am concerned, the majority of men are lying cheaters who do not have the guts to go and talk to their wives when they see a problem in the mariage and try to work things out, whether it’s lack of sex or whatever.
    I mean how hard is it to go to your spouse and say,” Honey, I like it when we have sex and I miss that we are not having it lately. Let’s discuss the problem because I care about you and our marriage.” Instead its,” Let me go tell my sweet little co-worker or whoever she may be, what a cold fish and shrew my wife is.”
    So guess what? That entitles poor little me to some “nooky on the side.”
    If affairs aren’t wrong why does the majority of men and women who have them try to keep them hidden? People don’t usually hide something they are doing unless they know deep down it is wrong.
    As for the ones who blame the wives for gaining weight or etc. to justify their affairs, truth be known you are not the “studs” you were when you first got married either. It is all just excuses to justify wrongdoing. I don’t know how someone can cheat, then go home to their spouses and children like nothing happened. But then, if a person cheats, why should they have any other morals?
    People will blame everyone but themselves for their wrongdoings. I have two sons and I hope and pray that they do not grow up to be like their father when it comes to his way of thinking where women are concerned. Like basically, we are just “holes” for them to get their “rocks” off in. I would not want them to go around just hurting and using women for whatever reason.
    I don’t care if I made anyone mad. I am voicing what I feel just like everyone else on this site!

  88. Cindy, I completely agree with you, and I am a 24 year old male and I am an alpha male. I am competitive, aggressive, and open-minded, but cheating is just something I have no room for. Never in my life did I make or want to make friends with someone who cheated on their girlfriend. I know personally how a cheating parent can do to a family, it DESTROYS THE KIDS.
    To the cheating men or women out there: do you really think that your spouse or your kids don’t notice a difference in the way you act? No matter how hard you try, people notice a change in you, they are not stupid. And they might not say anything because they are hurt or don’t want to confront you, but deep down inside it will kill them and change who they are and who THEY WILL BE.

  89. Interesting topic, but not as straightforward as most like to think. First, women cheat too. Yes, they do. While the percentages may be less than men, infidelity affects both sexes.
    Second, is monogamy really the natural order of things? I am not voicing an opinion on whether cheating is justified or not, but just pointing out facts. The majority of cultures throughout the history of the human race did not practice strict monogamy. In Tibet, before the Chinese takeover, polyandry (one women/multiple husbands) was practiced. In China, men had more than one wife if they could afford it, and/or concubines. Islam permits up to four wives. Multiple wives were common in African cultures.
    Read the Bible, supposedly the “handbook” for the idea of Judeo/Christian marriage of one man/one woman. Rather, marriage appears to be one man and many women, be they wives or a combination of wives and mistresses.
    Men have always been permitted more freedom in this than women, who usually ended up getting stoned for adultery. But even the threat of strict punishment did not stop adultery, and still doesn’t in nations where such laws are still enforced.
    Strict monogamy, especially for men, simply does not appear to ever have been the norm for most cultures, both East and West. Even the early Popes had wives and mistresses. So is it all that shocking that such a high percentage of men cheat? Looking at it from a historical viewpoint–no. Rather, monogamy seems to be the exception.
    And again, before I get attacked, I want to point out that I am merely pointing out the facts and food for thought. Perhaps it is really true that humans, the male in particular, are just not programmed for monogamy.

  90. EB’s comments are truly sobering especially to one who cheats. For every action there is a reaction. When we change even a little bit it sets up a whole chain reaction that we may not even notice until much later. Then it is too late. We arrive at a point in time in a situation that is not to our liking and we wonder how it all went so bad. Perhaps it was our cheating that created a negative effect that eventually catches up with us.
    ****************************************
    To the cheating men or women out there: do you really think that your spouse or your kids don’t notice a difference in the way you act? No matter how hard you try, people notice a change in you, they are not stupid. And they might not say anything because they are hurt or don’t want to confront you, but deep down inside it will kill them and change who they are and who THEY WILL BE.
    Posted by: EB at June 8, 2006 10:23 AM
    *********************************************

  91. Dear Confused Heart,
    This is wrong, wrong, wrong.
    Your husband is lying about his reason for cheating. His cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever. Nothing!
    Men and women cheat for variety and excitement and it is a natural desire. Not everyone acts on these biological feelings, but they still have them. EVERYONE would act on them if they knew that would not be caught.
    I have sex outside of my marriage, but my wife does not know anything about it. I respect my wife and would never ever tell her about it. That would amount to emotional abuse.
    Your husband’s not a jerk for cheating. He is a jerk for throwing it in your face and then blaming you for it. He is totally irresponsible in this regard. He feels so guilty that he wants to make you feel that you are responsible for HIS behavior. He is also using his financial position of power to get away with this abuse.
    I don’t know what advice to give you because you are in a difficult situation. You are dependent on him financially and you can’t change that situation right now because you are unable to work. If you could live with an understanding friend or relative that would be better than this.
    Once caught, your husband was immature for not being honest about his cheating and he’s a jerk for even telling you about it, but worse yet, he’s blaming you for his actions. What a low-life.

  92. I hve an 18 month old son and have been married only six months. My husband and I , I thought, have great sex; we are always satisfied. Not to be taken in an egotistical way buti am a very attractive 20 yr old female, and i have recently found out my husband has slept with another woman. I find myself asking what did she have that i do not. I am a thin, well endowed blonde and just my husband’s type.but that obviously isn’t enough to keep him interested.we get along very well always laughing and harldy have major arguements.I thought we were soulmates, why we he go behind my back to do this? Why not tell me if he is unsatisfied or wants to leave the relationship. If he truley loved me he would have left me before pursuing another female right? F.Y.I, we have only been married 6 months but together for five years.i’ve taken him back but think about it everyday and i am slowly becoming very depressed and unhappy with everything around me as if it’s all a lie.he says he can’t live without me, but this must not have bothered him as he screwed some slut. Does anoyone think love can survive aftersomething like this : Is there a possibility our marriage will suceed or am i destined to be a 20 yr. old divorcee married only six months,not to mention a single mother.

  93. WARNING!!!!!!!!…..language some may find offensive!!!!…………….Ok….if men R just ‘wired’ to act like uncivilized beasts…then why don’t they just sleep in the dirt and eat their own shit for breakfast. …yeah..that’s what i thought. Enough said.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    …Try Being on the other side of the fence….try living with the heart break of an unfaithful partner….try picturing the one person U thought held U’r Beliefs and Feelings equal to their own, FUCKING someone else……..and if U can honestly say it wouldn’t tear U apart….BITE ME U sick fuck.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    So..yeah I’ve been hurt..and STUPID enough to take back a cheater……and so now I, someone who was sOOOO understanding, or at least tried to BE…am nothing but a bitter mess wanting to cut off every testicle that crosses my path! (ok maybe that’s going too far)…but seriously….the whole “that is just how nature intended us to BE” EXSCUSE is nothing more than that……..ask yourselves this…..if U have a daughter, whom U lOve and care for and respect…would U want anyone to do that to HER….would U accept any exscuses…………….GROW UP!!!!!!!!…..or have fun rollin in u’r own feces.
    (Oh..and to those BOYS who actualy wish to waste their time lipping back at me and arguing this…don’t waste U’r breath….i won’t Be reading!……..and shouldn’t U Be saving as much energy as possible for all those weeds U need to water. ….and to all the MEN the REAL Ones who R actualy worthy of such a title (after all..it is MAN..not BEAST….I’m sorry that U had to BE subjected to this.)

  94. Oh and by the way…all this nonsense….and ‘scientific’ studies about how men and women are biologicaly ‘wired’ differently is VERy wishy washy as well….I don’t care WHAT the studies proved…’cause honey I am 100% WOMAN!!!!….and I want and think about SEX just as much as any MAN!!!!……and think about DIFFERENT men….the difference….I don’t go hump every leg in sight..just because my ‘hormones’ “tell” me to…give me a break!!!!!!!!……..Oh, and by the way…if We, as Women used the same pathetic exscuse..about just following nature….well then there would BE A LOOOT more 12 year olds giving birth and rearing children……..face it….It’s about SOCIETY and MORALS now….and if U don’t intend to EVOLVE with society..U better keep humping without thinking. …and teaching your daughters to behave like animals as well ….and have fun living in your caves.

  95. Must be that time of the month. We’re not wired for that either 🙂
    Oh Genny…I KNOW your reading this. NEWS FLASH! Women cheat more often than men!
    Now…you already knew that though, didn’t you?

  96. Hey Bill, you don’t need to use that tone here, please.
    It’s interesting how different people read these comments differently, I’ll say that: I consider the level of hurt, of pain, in what people say much more than their specific words, and as I know of men and women who are actively cheating on their spouses as I type this I don’t think about who is more likely (which seems like a pointless discussion) but more why it happens and how much it hurts.

  97. Bill…U’r right..I am reading this….but only Because it’s 3 in the morning again…and i am crying my eyes out over a complete tool who does not have any respect for himself, his daughter, his countless “affairs” and certainly not me…at least that’s what is on the surface….really I am not crying over him or Because of him…but FOR him …but enough about me..I am a big girl, and can take care of myself and my daughter…and while U R entitled to U’r opinion of me…quite frankly ..U have no idea WHO I am, and I actualy got a gOOd laugh from U’r weak response..someone who takes up sOOOO much space on this topic..is suddenly so speechless…and resorts to the lame IMMATURE line..”must Be that time of the month”…and by the way…it is not…and call me what U will..and think of me what U will…just know that..it doesn’t bring me down..in fact..I feel a bit sorry for U…the simple fact that U R spending SO much time and putting sO much energy here, into this subject shows me just how sad and confused U really are…it seems that U R not merely trying to “enlighten” everyone…but that U R desperately searching for agreeance, for REASONS to make how U R Ok……..I do not think U R a ‘bad’ person at all…I do not mean to judge U for how U choose to live U’r life….I am simply appalled by the fact that U R sOOOO determined to make everyone else think that lying and BETRAYING and sneaking and all that is OKAY….it MAY BE Ok in U’r mind…even justified….and, Even IF U ARE right……(which I will not agree to no matter what U have to say about it by the way)…..I can GAURANTEE U …It is FAR FROM OK with U’r WIFE…..whether or not she stays with U is irrelevent here…..the fact is ..U ARE killing her spirit, her self worth, her trust (in all aspects of life), and even her lOve for U….and if U can find a way to live with that and justify it in U’r head….then U continue to do that….just remember that….SHE (an Amazing and worthy Being on her own), is Being affected negatively by U’r SELFISH actions (and that IS NOT OKAY)…..and If U don’t Believe me…let her come on here herself…and read everything U’ve written. …..But ,unlike U may think..I DO NOT Believe I know it all….and mayBe I could Be wrong..mayBe she is perfectly Ok with this…and there is No underlying guilt from U that U R tryingf to resolve here….either way…I still stand firm….that CHEATING (not neccessarily multiple partners) but CHEATING is wrong for Men and Women…and I know women cheat as well by the way…but that is not what this discussion is about…so i think that it is silly for U to keep bringing up that same irrelevent point…..and besides, we don’t have the same exscuse..that we R jusrt ‘wired’ that way….Look, I don’t hate U or anyone….and yes, I AM going through my own personal journey, and have been affected personaly by cheating (and my HURT may come out harsh)…….. and do NOT claim to know what is right and what is wrong in the big picture….but I DO know what every fibre of my Being tells me is right and wrong……………and I am Not asking U to agree with me…but I too am entitled to my opinion….and also etitled to Be LOVED, truly loved and RESPECTED by any partner I may have in life……..this includes the respect to have MY morals, and Feelings held in equal regard…………….I too LOVE my X partner…and I think probably always will….but there comes a time in every man and womens life when we must all decide if, at the end of it all…..can we Be proud that we did everythign we could to BE good,to FEEL Good aBOUT ourselves (not just Feel good) to LOVE whole heartedly OTHERS as well as OURSELVES…did we raise our children to do the same…………………the question?…why do so many men cheat….cannot Be answered easily…as there R so many different people and different reasons….and everyone must find their own answers, if they R infact looking for those answers at all…………….I thnk One reason could Be that some people just don’t know how to deal with their emotions…don’t know how to communicate with their spouse on a level where they Feel comfortable expressing their needs and emotions completely…and so, instead of making things better with the One who CAN fullfill all of their needs…THEMSELVES ..they turn to others…..that is just my exsperience though……..(i know there r many other reasons)…………….all i’m saying is that the whole “primal urges” reason is nothing more than an easy out. …………….If BOTH partners do NOT agree with cheating ……..it plain and simple shouldn’t Be…it makes both parties live a lie…..case in point….my partner will never Be 100% happy in any relationship…as long as he continues to cheat, therefore he is living a lie…..and I could not continue to ‘turn a blind eye” and keep living with his behaviour…just Because i loved him..Because I too was living a lie……..(making exscuses of my own..making exscuses for him…..not ‘allowing’ the behaviour …but allowing myself to Be continuously trampled on…no matter how it was tearing me apart…just to have him in my life)…in retrospect…now that he is gone…..(despite the 3 am tears, the lonliness, the anger, the physical and emotional battery my body is going through…mourning the loss of the relationship)…..somehow I Feel BETTER….like I am better to Be alone and still lOve him…than Be with him and continue to Feel unworthy)……..he once said himself of his own infedelity that “that is not the truly important part of a relationship”….and, I saw things from his point of view….but he didn’t see things from mine……..and from my point of view….while sex may Be just that……..and MAY not be the most important aspect of a truly loving relationship…..all of these other things are: TRUST RESPECT INTIMACY COMMUNICATION COMPROMISE UNSELFISHNESS MATURITY and on and on…….and plain and simple…..when One CHEATS….ALL of that(and so much more) is brOken….and what does that leave U with.
    (Besides a few stolen moments of complete selfishness). goodnight.

  98. “Mr. Censorship” himself has finally weighed-in. Do you actually believe you can censor my posts faster than I can create new e-mail accounts? Actually, you’re the type that would delete this entire blog just to spite one “evil doer.”
    A blog on the Internet is public domain brother. Deal with it or grab a snake and chant your anxieties away.
    Genny,
    I shall not respond in great detail to your post at this time because you are in a place of pain in your journey. And, as painful as it feels, this is a natural process. I know because I’ve been though the process myself. Everything gets better later on. However, I am concerned that in spite of discovering that your husband cheats, you still love him. The two are in dissonance. You will eventually transition out of this love phase because that will hold you back from moving forward. You will get through this. Most everyone does. Nature takes care of it all, not GOD, as others would have you believe. That crowd still thinks that the “jury is still out” on that evolution ‘thang.

  99. To the cheaters, Please answer me this. Why? It is so easy to go to your spouse and say you know what, I cant do this any more and I have found someone else. Why would you have that man or that woman thinking that you love them when clearly you could care less about them. What do you think about when you are spread eagle to some dude or pumping some whore that also dont care about that person that you lied to and said that you love? Do you feel anything, anything at all when you look into the eyes of that person that you pledge your life to and that is actually being faithful to you (and you know that they are)do you feel anything or do you think that they are so stupid that the dumb ass deserve it. When your laying beside their body and you brush up against it I guess you are so much of a ho that you just feel nothing huh. If they wised up and was to leave would you hurt? Would you care? would you feel sad? All the time you shared is just wasted time huh until the next pieace of loose ass or male ho bag come along. Listen I married my husband when I was 30yrs old and I was a virgin because I wanted to give what I held so dear to him. He was my first and only. I cooked, cleaned, worked and did everything that he told me to do. If he would have told me that the sky was plaid I would have said he was right because that was my boo. I loved him so very much.I could never imagen anyone touching me but him. I loved him with all of my soul. When I found condoms and caught an std it hurt me so bad.I could not figure it out for the life of me why! I have seen some fine men out there but none was worth hurting or taking away his man hood. I thought that It was my job to protect him and hold him up for the man that I thought he was and not to let harm come to him. I guess I was wrong. I cried my self to sleep and I am hiding it from my people because I live in shame. The worst part of It is he will not leave me alone to heal to get over it. I dont want him anymore or the hurt and shame that he has to offer.It hurts and I pray that those that cheat that your heart will be crush into dust.

  100. I know that this is awful late but this is to Tammy that wrote in 7/5/2005. Tammy , I read your little comment and can I ask you something, or for that matter any of the women, and I use that term loosely, why do you feel so good about doing wrong and make up excuses?
    I went to the Bible for some answers since I believe in God, I know that alot dont but the word cause adultress woman strange. I guess you would have to be to think that it is a good thing what you are doing and it is all about you and forget the hurting party at home. You know what. I know this sounds crazy but I have been living a moral life all of my life and I always see whores progress.
    You get the house, the man, the car, the money and in your simple, silly mind that is full of lust and you walk around in you lustful little world feeling good and thinking that it is the other parties fault and you are o.k. Well let me tell ya something sister, you and the sister hood of whores that are like you. Adultery is sometimes one sided and it is not always the innocent persons fault.
    Before my marriage broke up because of my husbands lies and his cheating he had gotten sick and was not able to have sex for 8 months. for the last two he tried because he felt bad for me but I was fine. The way I was thinking was ” God, I thank you that my husband is still in the land of the living and I praise you for that”
    Never did I think about getting my rocks off with some cheap trick because the honest truth is if a person finds it o.k to mess with a married person they or the offending party is not worth 2 cents. I waited until he was ready. You know what…. Maybe I am stupid! I mean to get anything in this life apparently you have to cheat, lie and steal and hurt others. in that case, HOORAY FOR WHORES!!!!!

  101. I just wasted a lot of time reading all of these posts! I was looking to the opinions of others to enlighten/validate me about what makes relationships work and not work. I am in an astoundingly healthy and fulfilling relationship right now, and I have a lot of fears about how relationships progress and deteriorate, about sex, about human nature.
    I could have been watching a cool movie I rented! In retrospect, I wish I had done that instead (Bruce Lee!)
    I wrote and erased, “I got sucked in,” but really, I CHOSE to read most of it; it didn’t just happen – just as when people choose to “cheat” or “not cheat,” the “cheating” or “non-cheating” doesn’t just happen on its own.
    Which reminds me that I am so bored with the evolutionary biology explanation for cheating, and unsettled by the seething anger in some of the posts espousing it. It gives me the willies.
    Makes me wish, entertaining the theory as the utmost truth, that I could reproduce asexually.
    I agree that existence has evolved. I just think there’s so much more room for chance, variety, deterioration and chaos. And CHOICE! Which is a wonderful thing, more wonderful than the word wonderful can explain.
    I just really hope we all figure out, before we die (or, if not, at least WHEN we die), how to be content and live naturally with ourselves and whith others, whatever natural may be for us.

  102. I really hope everyone feels better eventually. So many people who posted here seemed so sad, angry, afraid, just miserable.
    I’m not going to come back and read more here anymore because it’s really not going to get me anywhere, unless the topic changes :). I wish you all amazing lives. Something about reading all of this, becoming emotionally involved and then detatching myself, has reminded me that there are things going on other than animals and mating in this cosmos, and those things are worthy of my attention. Off I go.

  103. This is for Suzy Queue that posted her comment 8/9/05. If she cant answer this any adultress will do.
    I must admit I was once appalled now i am curious. she said sleeping with her married friend is a part of her friendship. If you were married would you have an open marriage (I think that all adulters should and you should not be angry if your spouse sleep around but, why would you get upset I have no idea, by the way why do you? I knew of a woman that would spread them wide to anyone that would… but when her man had enough and did the same she was angry. Go figure)
    The spirit of adultry is really quite open because you think that there is no value in a relationship so (since your morals are absent anyway) you do what you do without feelings. I now understand that you could care less about how others feel and it is all about having you cum but since that spirit of adultry is never satisfied and spread to other things do you ever feel so “heated up” that you don’t care if you have sex with the same sex.
    I am talking about those adulters that suppose to straight. Do you ever cruise the streets looking for love for sale (and please dont tell me that you think that these things are wrong because it is all in same circle and you can’t have morals for some and not others) Please don’t think that I am trying to be funny or judgemental but I am curious.
    I believe that people can keep their bodies to themselves and I believe that marriage is about faithfulness so I am curious on how people like you think. Do you believe in incest? Do you just have nights of orgies? What is it about. Yes I am serious.
    Do all of you adulters believe in open marriages? I mean if you were married. I know that your actions are not really affecting you but that man or that womans spouse that you are sleeping with but I am talking about if your spouse was cheating on you. Would you want to join in and have a 3some?
    Were you raised with morals and maybe you saw your mom “getting done” by the postman while your dad was at work? Were you in a family where your parents committed adultry (Most times that that is the way, you know teenage mom have a teen age mom sort of thing)
    How did you get to the place you are that you really dont care about anyone but yourself? Would you sleep with your relatives or best friend spouse that you know that they really love?

  104. This probably isn’t going to make any sense but I believe 100% in monogomy in a marriage and I have never been happier in my entire life than with my wife and 2 incredible boys.
    Guess what, I had an affair with a friend of ours. I can honestly say that not once during this 7 week period did I ever consider the consequences of my actions. I honestly believe that I went crazy – off the deep end for no apparent reason (my shrink seems to think some type of manic episode consumed me). Nobody forced me to do this — I honestly can’t believe that it was even me that did this. It goes against everything I believe in. I realize that I have to take responsibility for my actions but I can’t seem to go a single minute without massive regret and panic attacks.
    My wife found out everything (I was very sloppy with credit cards, phone bills etc…)… I was also having anxiety/panic attacks on a daily basis over the guilt I was feeling. That was the end —– she filed for divorce, is being extremely vindictive (trying to punish my family members that she was always very close with) and there is no winning her back.
    I crossed that line that apparently she is not willing to let go. I have tried absolutely everything in my power to win her back — it’s been 8 months since she filed and I still cannot get a grip on myself and how much I’ve lost. I can’t function socially, I’m in a major depression and think about suicide all the time.
    Now here is the really weird part…..can someone please explain this to me. I am absolutely furious with her. We have 2 young boys that so desperately need a father — we’ve built financial security together, we’ve built a life together and she is not willing to even go for 1 therapy session to try to work things out. I would give anything to take it all back – to make it up to her. I would literally cut off my arm to get back in that family. She won’t talk about reconciliation at all, she’s done, she’s moved on and as far as I know she’s doing great (or at least that is what she shows me).
    I made a horrible mistake — life altering mistake that I will never forget. If I ran away with this other woman or showed no remorse I would consider myself a scumbag. Althought I am seriously depressed, I do not see myself that way. I made a HORRIBLE MISTAKE…..I apologized 1000 times and begged for forgiveness. I can’t look at my boys without crying, I can’t talk to her without emotions that I can’t even describe.
    For me, the affair was an addiction. No different than a drug addiction. I would be my life and the life of everyone that I love that I would NEVER do this again to any other woman knowing the potential impact it could have.

  105. I guest I’m one of very few women who don’t think that men are dogs. In fact, I believe they are cowards. I’ve been married for 14 years to a man who obviously thinks he’s God’s gift to himself.
    For starters, our marriage was great the first four years–until after my second pregnancy. Sure, I gain another 10 lbs to my 5″7-130 statue. But hell. He’s gained 20 without having to bear the wonderful experience of pregancy. And even though he knows I’m still a head-turner, it hasn’t stopped him from being selfish–hurting my feelings by looking at other women, which I would not have a problem with if he did it on his own time.
    For men with wondering eyes, if your love one is avoiding sex with you, it’s simply because you’ve already made her feel undesired by checking out other women. Think how you would feel if your wive constantly watched other men while standing next to you. The fact of the matter is, you already know the person you’re with but know nothing about the person you’re oogling over. What if that person has AIDS, is a transsexual, or simple looks like shit under their clothes? You’ve already taken a chance on a marriage you’ve invested time in for the door on “Let’s Make A Deal.” Smart guy, huh.

  106. I found out recently that my spouse was unfaithful. I was stunned, as I naively felt he adored me, as I did him. I have been devoted, a great money manager, a great wage earner, supportive of everything he wants to do, etc. I have stayed in great physical condition, and have had men flirt with me, but ignored them.
    So, needless to say, I am hurting. He is used to being in charge/revered in his profession, so (which is somewhat understandable) is having a struggle with this humbling situation, and wants to handle it, by saying he is sorry, but let’s go on. His avoidance of discussing and being honest with some of the FACTS just adds to the deceit. Were any of you guys successful in helping your wives heal and how?

  107. Look people. Isn’t it obvious that monogamy is simply a way for a woman to have a slave? Admit it. Even if a woman loves you, she will never be able to meet your sexual needs. She may for the first week or even month of your marriage but after that she is going to cut sex down to 3 times a week or once a week or once a mohth. Women do not want sex as much but the irony is that even though they don’t want it, they will get upset if you give it to someone else. There is a reason there is only one cock in the henyard.

  108. Here’s the thing, men don’t have to be unhappy in a relationship to cheat. They just have to see a hot, willing girl and believe that they can get away with it and there you go. Of course not all men do it, but many do. Men’s reproductive strategy is promiscuity.

  109. I was 32 at the time my wife of 2 years cheated on me. We had dated for 2 years prior to getting married and she was the love of my life. After it all came out, I was absolutely devastated. I did not consider suicide, but I did not care if I died. Fortunately, this story has a happy ending.
    Anyone who knows my wife would tell you that she is the last person they would expect to have an affair. We both are Christians and are very active in our church. Well then…why did she cheat?
    There were several factors that caused her self esteem to plummet. First, her boyfriend of a few years ago cheated on her and verbally abused her concerning her needing to lose some weight (she has never been fat, but she did put on a few extra pounds during that time.) He pressured her into having sex with him and he also cheated on her. She still had some issues with this a few years later, but did not realize it. Second, she had gone through her college graduation ceremony, but still had a couple of courses to take to get her diploma. Two years after the ceremony, she had still not completed the courses and it really bothered her. (We got married a couple of weeks after she graduated.) Third, she was working a job making less than $10/hour and that bothered her.) Fourth, (and this is where I contributed to all of this) I was working somewhat long hours and was tired at the end of the day. I would get home around 7 pm and would sit in front of the tv and not feel like talking. I did not totally neglect my wife, but I was often not there to listen to her when she needed me to. We still did things together, I told her I loved her as I always do, but I was not providing the emotional support she needed. Our sex life had dropped off some. Finally, she was the type of person that kept her anger and frustrations bottled up and avoided confrontations. All of this came together at the wrong time. She started going to a physical therapist for her wrists (she had developed some minor CTS) about 3 times a week. She started talking to him about her frustrations with her job. He picked up on this and started telling her what a wonderful person she was. Of course, this made her feel better and she started looking forward to seeing him, even though she was not attracted to him at all (I have ever seen him, but my wife said he is not attractive and another person confirmed that.) Within a few weeks, he started pushing the talk towards sexual stuff and showed her how to instant message so that they could talk on the computer at home (IM was still fairly new.) She just kept going along and was getting a rush out of this fantasy. She does not know why she didn’t stop early on other than she knew that being around him made her feel better. Anyway, after a couple of months, she met him at his house early one Saturday and had sex. She told me she was going shopping with a friend. When she got back that afternoon, I was in the backyard doing some work and she came back there and just hung out with me.
    I had started having some suspicions that something was going on a few weeks prior to this. However, I didn’t follow up because I had that thought that “she would never cheat on me.” A few nights before it happened, I even asked her “You wouldn’t ever cheat on me would you?” She looked me straight in the eye and said, with tears in her eyes, that she would never hurt me like that. At that time, she still didn’t think she could go through with it. Anyway, I found another piecde of “evidence” the Monday after the “act” and confronted her. She could have lied and told me she was just instant messaging and that nothing physical happened. I would have been hurt and would have suggested counseling, but I probably would have believed her. However, she told me everything. At first, I could tell she was scared and hesitant, but once she got going, she couldn’t stop. I called my older cousin who had gone through the same thing 5 years earlier. He left work and came over and talked to both of us. That helped a lot because after he left, I realized that our marriage could be saved. Although I was hurting like I never knew possible, I knew that I loved my wife more than anything.
    We went to counseling, both together and my wife also went by herself to try to figure out why she die this. I also did some research myself and found some good stuff on the psychological reasons. Anyway, my wife was not in love with this guy and did not have the desire to see him ever again. It took a long time and we went through a lot of pain. In the days after it all came out, my wife had contemplated suicide because of the pain she caused me. I also remember when an attorney we know called her at work (we had reported the affair to the PT’s employer and also the state medical licensure board) and the first thing she said was “Greg’s leaving me, isn’t he.” The therapist had hired him because he knew he was in some serious trouble. The version he told the attorney, his employer and the medical board was pretty much the same as what my wife tole me. That confirmed that they did it only once. The only real difference is that he tried to make it out that my wife was the aggressor and that she instigated it all. However, the evidence proved otherwise (for instance, the jackass got her a $75 gift card to Victoria’s Secret to buy something she could keep at his place. She never used it and gave it to the investigator for the medical board.) The therapist was fired from his job, got another job within a couple of weeks and was fired from that one when they found out what was going on and he eventually had his license suspended for a few months and after that was not to be in a room with a female client alone. He was dropped by the insurance companies and he decided to go back to school to pursue another career. He’s lucky I never came after him like I wanted to.
    Anyway, after the counseling, I realized that for my wife, it was never about the physical stuff. That was important to me because if it was about sex, I might not have stayed. It was a long road back. I remember one evening when my wife had gotten out of the shower and I was in the back bathroom. She called my name and I said “what?” but she didn’t hear me. She called my name again, but this time, I could her panic in her voice. I came out and saw tears in her eyes. She said that when I didn’t answer, she immediately thought I had left her. We learned a lot about each other and ourselves during counseling. Even though it was the hardest thing for me to go through in all my life, I can honestly say that it was worth the work. It is now 4 years later, our marriage is wonderful, our sex life is better than ever and we have an absolutely amazing 2 year old daughter. (I love being a daddy.) I can’t wait to get home every day so I can spend time with them. My wife got her degree and has moved on to a better job. She dealt with her past issues and learned how to express her frustrations and anger. She knows I have forgiven her and God has forgiven her, but I know she still has feelings of guilt from time to time, just like I still have feelings of hurt every once in a while. However, these feelings come less and less as time goes by.
    I often think about how much I would have missed out on if I had left. The reason it worked out is because we were both willing to do whatever it took to make it work. I know that there are people out there that no amount of counseling will help. However, I would just say that if this has happened to you and your spouse is genuinely remorseful and repentant and willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage, give it a chance. It can work.

  110. Whether or not monogamy is the “natural” order of things, (and by the way, I think we place too much emphasis on what is or is not “natural” when it suits our needs), when it comes to cheating on a spouse or a partner, “natural” is a cop out.
    What matters is the fact that you are lying to a person who you have made a promise to. If you are in what is expected to be a monogamous relationship, you are not only disrespecting your partner by fooling around without their knowledge or their permission, you are putting their health in danger as well.
    And to those who “blame it on the genes” or subscribe to the idea of “hard wired behaviour,” what is it, then, that separates us from the other animals?
    Or are you on the same level with a feces flinging chimp?
    I like to think that humans have evolved past their primitive drive. We do, after all, have the ability to use logic, to reason, and to make decisions based on our reasoning.
    Truly, if someone considers themselves no more than a handful of biological urges, why is that person even worth one’s time?
    Cheating doesn’t “just happen.” You might not be actively looking for it, but you do have to take a step forward at some point to set an affair in motion.
    You choose to make it happen, for whatever reason. And you choose to hide it.
    It takes two people to make a marriage and two people to screw it up. But if you cheat? The onus is on you for making that choice.

  111. Glossy monthly women’s magazine is looking to interview men aged 25-50, in complete confidence, who have been unfaithful. You will remain anonymous, but we would love to gain insight into the subject and hear your views. Please call +44 (0) 20 8267 8229 for details.

  112. I am seeking advice from any cheating man who will respond or any woman who has been or going through a similar situation. I am a 35 year old woman who’s been in a 2 year live-in relationship with someone 20 years older than myself. We have a great relationship, we laugh alot, hardly argue and always have exciting sex, quite often too I might add! Here’s my dilema….About 6 months ago I discovered he had his profile on a couple dating websites and even read numerous emails back and forth with him and other women (all of which were lived out of State)with him proclaiming to be single and saving himself for them. I was devestated because in these emails he was so sweet and romantic which is not even the way he carries himself with me, not to mention the fact that I had previously been in a relationship with someone closer to my age who cheated. (I thought it was just a maturity thing). So then I questioned why would a man 20 years older than me do something so immature and selfish, especially when I am younger, very fit and attractive and always pleasing him sexually and not only that but he is the one who pursued me for so long before I agreed to go out with someone twice my age???? It made me feel as if something was wrong with me. I confronted him with this and planned to move out and end our relationship. He pleaded with me to stay explaining that his profile was on these websites long before we were dating and that he just never stopped talking to these women once I came along and that it was just innocent flirting. He removed all his profiles and deleted all the women’s email addresses entirely. He also told me that he had never met any of them in person and proclaims that he is true blue and has never and would never cheat on me or any other woman he is in a relationship with. Which is where I need advice…it’s been 6 months and I have been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I have a real issue with trust after being burned before. When we go out together he’s always checking out other women right in front of me which I understand, it’s normal and men will look, he likes to chalk it up to “as long as I’m checking out the menu and not sampling it then you have nothing to worry about”, but if I even so much as glance another guy’s way he gets very upset. He’s a business man and travels quite a bit so that’s my concern? With the evidence of dating on line and his constant oogling other women, should I worry when he goes out of town that he is portraying the single guy and cheating on me? Is this just an older man boosting his ego or do I really have something to worry about? Do I give him a chance or just cut my losses and move on???? Signed: Torn

  113. Listen and listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once. Men or women who cheat don’t deserve to be married, period. If they are married and they cheat, they deserve to get caught, deserve to be investigated and the truth be told!
    Men are pigs always will be because they’re horny dogs. Women who know this should stay clear of them all together. They flirt with you and tell you they’re married, slap them, throw beer on them tell them to take a cold shower and go home to wifey because you are not getting in my pants! Take a video of any wrong doing (archive all emails and instant messages) and send it to the wife (fuck em what do you care? They surely don’t give a damn about you). Then move on and keep burning all the crap that comes your way cuz it ain’t worth saving.
    TA TA – Love doesn’t cost a thing – so why marry? Expensive and too blinding to reality anyway. Live with them and if they turn out to be wrong, kick ’em to the curb! No lawsuits to worry about right? Sounds tempting.

  114. I agree that people who cheat have an inflated sense of entitlement and “get off” having power over the other person. I do NOT believe in cheating. I think it’s wrong – one must end the marriage if they cannot keep their vows – or flat out just don’t marry at all. (Unless the person is sick in the head and admits they get a power-trip rush off deceiving another person. That actually happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. He was a very angry sort of man.)
    Why would someone need to exert power over another person, like breaking that person’s heart by not living up to their vows? It sounds like latent passive-aggression if you ask me, and the loyal spouse ends up the victim of the anger, whether directed or misdirected. When misdirected, as in the spouse didn’t do anything to provoke the behavior, I believe it’s because the cheater has personal hang-ups they can’t get past. Perhaps their spouse reminds them of a previous love interest or a parent that pissed them off and now are “reliving” that anger dynamic with the newer person in their lives.
    Maybe the cheater is mad deep down because they feel they have to live up to the perceived perfection of their spouse (which of course would be the cheaters lack of self-respect and having too-high expectations of themselves. Remember you cannot expect to get love & respect from someone who won’t love & respect themselves as they are!) If the cheater has high expectations of themselves (with or without putting their spouse on a pedestal), meaning a simple competitive need to be BETTER than others in general, then maybe they can’t let go of their need to compete for being king/queen of the hill in the relationship either. They just don’t know where to draw the line. Maybe they are passive-aggressive and need to control others because it makes them feel superior in the same way someone might feel winning a poker game (ie “I took the gamble and won, but you didn’t!”) They are addicted to the “chase” of getting something the other person doesn’t have, perhaps in this case the power over the relationship…
    Maybe the cheater is angry at giving their heart away to another person thus losing control over their heart’s destiny, like they are attracted to being close to someone initially, but the obligation to the other person’s FEELINGS is just that… an OBLIGATION and they think “Bleh! I’m taking care of myself first and the other person is just gonna have to deal with it!” When that cheater cheats, it’s like they are trying for a brief moment to reassure themselves that they are the MASTER of their DESTINY and noone can take that control away from them, including a spouse. They are trying to re-prove themselves this way each time they cheat. Then the cheater realizes they put up a wall between themselves and their spouse and go “oh god, I want the person back close to me again” but they just can’t stop the addiction to the behavior. Push the spouse away by cheating, pull them close again when the victim says “screw you!” like a yo-yo. A truely responsible, self-actualizing cheater in rehab, will realize this push-pull dynamic is unfair to the steady-stable spouse, that they are better off alone until they are able to
    (1) recognize what drives them to want to cheat within themselves without finger pointing (ie not saying “my spouse is boring in bed” but instead saying something only about themselves like “I don’t feel like I can live up to my spouse’s bedroom needs”)…
    (2) Recognising the triggers in their lives that set off this chosen behavior…
    (3) Conciously choosing to not engage in the previously chosen behavior when the triggers are set off (ie like if a smoker under stress: They may want to smoke MORE when under stress, but instead of allowing themselves to smoke, they have to choose to say “I am at this moment choosing not to smoke because I choose to have control over my behaviors instead of my behaviors controlling me.”)
    ADDITIONAL: Check out the movie “What the BLEEP Do We Know?” to learn more about humans being overcoming micro-addictions to their behaviors and negative-thought patterns that affect self-esteem.

  115. This is to torn:
    People who cheat tend to fear being cheated on. His reaction to you looking at someone else indicates he fears you will do to him what he is doing to you.
    A man who chooses a woman who is 20 years younger than him is a man seeking power over his (or her) partner. The bigger the age gap the more wisdom and experience the older person has. The large discrepancy lets the older person easily control and manipulate the younger one and be, or feel, in control.
    My advice? Check out as many dating sites as you can find – look for older men and I just BET you will find him on one or more of them. It is unlikely he will be on the ones you know about, unless he is certain you won’t go there looking for him again, so look on sites he doesn’t think you know about and look for him in disguise. He may be giving a fake name or saying he lives in a different state etc.
    He needs you to be young because, if you were my age (almost 50), you would have thought of this yourself and he would have been caught, again, and dumped by now.
    Oh, by the way, when (not if) you catch him on another site he will tell you that he was on there before too and he must have forgotten to delete that one. Check, if you can, how long he has been registered as many sites will say “member since” so you can call him out on the lie.
    He will be banking on being able to discount the last time you caught him (he convinced you he didn’t join those sites after you got together). If he can’t convince you the same is true next time he will claim it was a once only thing, it was your fault, he had a brain seizure, he was just looking for someone his own age to talk to or some other excuse to convince you to forgive him.
    It’s up to you but remember – how hard would it be for you to pull the wool over the eyes of someone 20 years younger than you? What would you get out of a relationship with someone 20 years younger?
    Extra marital sex is not about sex – it’s about a man (or woman) needing outside confirmation that he or she is attractive. Men (and women) who cheat have low self-esteem. They use sex to reassure themselves they are “winners”.
    Don’t make the mistake of thinking his cheating has anything at all to do with you – it’s about him not feeling like a big man inside. Getting sex from younger women and as many of them as he can makes him feel like a big man and there is nothing you can do to prevent that need or satisfy it.
    Good luck – you are going to need it!

  116. Kim,
    Thanks so much for responding to me. I just wanted to let you know that you’re advice is great and is pretty much what I’ve been doing ever since I found this all out. I’ve searched other dating sites to see if his profile is on them because I knew he wasn’t going to stay on the same sites. I haven’t found any evidence yet (not that I’m complaining) but I’m just taking everything day by day. I was curious though, has this same experience happened to you and if so, did it ever stop? Was he busted? Did you end things? I understand if you do not wish to tell.
    Torn

  117. I am 15 years old, and my parents just divorced this year, about 8 months ago. I now know that my dad was cheating on my mom for 2 years before he left us. He married her, and I’m trying to understand. I’ve read some of you saying your wife got big, and that is why you do not love her. My mom has gotten big, and I just think that is a sorry a** excuse.
    I hate, hate, hate, my dad, I will never forgive him for what he did to us. She had his kids, and he just left for his own needs, I hope he gets fired in his job, because he is a cheater.
    Some of you dads, just only think of your own self(only your penis). You don’t care about the kids.

  118. Women. In a day and age when you are supposed to be empowered, you’re still so god damn emotional. I have no sympathy for you cause I have been cheated on too. Its all how you choose to handle yourself. The day I threw out the bible and opened my eyes to the world we live in, I realized everything I knew was wrong. If anyone is lying to you all its that bible. The author of that book must be laughing in his grave to know thousands of years later his book still holds so much power over so many morons.
    My tip to men and women:
    -take nothing for granted
    -dont be afraid to trust, but dont open up completely either… human beings prey on weakness
    -be realistic
    -have a relaxed approach to life
    -dont treat your significant other as property
    -look at “cheating” as a positive experience (for the first time ever you know the truth about your significant other… celebrate!)
    -1/3 men and 2/5 women are CAUGHT “cheating”… and there are many more who dont get caught… keep in mind probably 50% cheat… don’t be so shocked when you find out your husband/wife is one of them (go play roulette, bet read, and committ suicide cause you’re so shocked black hit)
    in todays society, morals are going down the drain.. religion causes wars, stres, and people to be completely oblivious to the world around them

  119. Someone made a comment about throwing out the bible and that it is for morons. I am a believer of the bible and one of many things that has convinced me the bible is true and it is a no brainer is the fact that the bible is the most sold and most popular book throughout the world. A Sovereign God that is in control of his Truth being spread throughout the world is in control and don’t you think he would bless his book in such a way it would be the number one book throughout the whole entire world.
    The first relationship that was created in the bible was GOD and man and then the second relationship was GOD MAN AND WOMAN. I really believe God never intended man to have multiple wives or various partners. Of course men of the Old Testament had various wives but I do believe that was man going outside the principles of the Lord and seeking his own flesh and created his own rules just like men today create their own rules and justify unrighteous acts. If the Lord intended various partners than the Commandment of THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY would not be written in stone. If you remember that God cannot lie and He is righteous in all his ways you will begin to understand man and his flesh has acted out of desire, lust and sin nature and not the righteousness of GOD. But God of course is a forgiving God and when we mess up he is quick to forgive,but we need to change our ways back to his principles
    The United States government’s definition of Marriage is a covenant or life partnership between man, woman and God in hopes to bear children. It is a three party contract. So if people don’t believe in God or the sanctity of Marriage then why marry as this contract is set up to include God. So if you don’t believe in God then really since this principle was formed on that belief and this tradition was created by GOD and the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT accepts this belief and tradition as a covenant union and the definition of Marriage why would one want to participate?
    God is seeking a relationship with man first in order to give him wisdom for his life and that includes the wisdom in his marriage and his family. But if one refuses this relationship than they live in the world rather in the LORD and in conclusion making themselves as a GOD in all their self righteousness which is unrighteous in the eyes of God.
    Not only are non believing people having affairs and cheating but even Christians as well. The Bible says that men die for lack of knowledge. This also means that men can roll down a path of destruction to ruin his life as destruction of his or her blessings is death. Even people that are believers are still falling in this way. What it all boils down to is selfish needs and refusing to sacrifice for another person and not seeking first the KINGDOM OF GOD. Seek First the Kingdom of GOD and all will be added to you including truth, wisdom and understanding and the love and appreciation for marriage and faithfullness will dwell in your heart.
    My belief that so many men cheat in their marriages is simply because they lack knowledge in Godly wisdom.

  120. What would a faithful husband say to this?? I know a cheat who married a beautiful lady who has a great career, many loving & devoted friends & family. He had everything anyone could ever want. He cheated a few months after they were married and for months during the wife’s pregnancy. He is now out of the home & begging for forgiveness. His father was a cheat and this is all he knows except he is in denial & also promised he would never do this, seeing how much pain his mother was in due to his father’s actions. He also blames this on sexual abuse from a babysitter when he was young. What are your thoughts of making this marriage work & would someone with this behavior pattern ever be faithful??? This behavior was a total shock to his loving wife.

  121. Thanks guys for the insight. I read through this thread, and didn’t see anything really new on the topic. Bottom line? Men cheat for a number of reasons. Like I said, no new news there.
    What I enjoyed was hearing from married men who do not condone cheating. You men are fantastic!
    What do you married fellas who cheat think of “open” relationships–you’re free to explore so long as you don’t make babies or bring home diseases–and she is too?

  122. Didn’t appreciate what he had, cheated on her during their honeymoon period, while SHE WAS CARRYING HIS CHILD and furthermore blaming someone else for why he’s a cheater and always will be. H-E-L-L-O???!!!
    As for cheaters in general. Yeah, it was biologically programmed for us to kill any & everyone who threatens our food supply as well as procreate like rabbits but I think we are SUPPOSED to evolve beyond that. And guess what men? Surprise! Gramma is here to tell ya – women are just as horny as men if not more so but haven’t cheated as often because traditionally if something goes wrong (as it usually does) we’ve been the ones who had to carry the children, raised them, and did our damndest to be a good role model for them whilst the men ran off whining about not being able to handle it all (no? check the stats on deadbeat dads).With birth control and legalized abortion, of course more women are going to cheat and that doesn’t make it natural or right. I’m not a prude. It’s just a simple question of ethics. My 1st hubby cheated. I didn’t cheat back for revenge. I divorced him. And for the record, he was provided with great meals and great sex too. Why did he cheat? The same reason most anybody cheats – because they think they can have their cake and eat it too (in other words they think they’re smarter than their spouse & won’t get caught). What a moron. Kicked him to the curb. Other reasons? THERE ARE NONE. Marriage (whether you’re religious or not) is for two people to join as one and that takes work as well as making time for fun. Aren’t getting what you want? Try fixing what ya got. The most successful relationships continue to be because BOTH parties are doing their darndest to make each other happy. Putting the other person before you. Men say their wives get fat and don’t want sex but it wasn’t that way in the beginning and by the way, you could have an accident at any time and meds can make you fat and send Mr. Jolly packing too. Is she expected to cheat if something happens to you? (That’s a no in a committed relationship). So get away from the computer and the tv and back to reality and some COMMON SENSE,people!!! That’s all Gramma has to say and yes, my 2nd hubby says he loves me,loves my additional curves and our 4 kids and 4 grandkids (& still manages to prove his point several times a week).

  123. Yes, the man cheated on this beautiful lady 5 months after marriage and also 2 years later when she was pregnant w/their child. Everyone is in total shock, he is crying and begging to come back & make it work, saying he learned how selfish he was, on and on. The question remains: with extensive therapy and IF he is truly remorseful, should his wife take him back? They dated 4 years before getting married and she did not see any of this behavior BUT it’s possible he could have had numerous affairs and never admitted to them. She has a new baby and is extremely depressed over this, thinking the last few years have been a lie. He wants to go to therapy and “will do anything” to have another chance. He is 29 and she is not sure if he is even worth it. Once a cheat, always a cheat and, if this is the case, she needs to move on – the sooner, the better. Can men change if they truly want to & can they be faithful, not for a year or two but for forever??????? Please help!

  124. To the man above who does not want his wife cause she is overweight – I do not see the point of staying with someone for the kids. Kids develop and learn their relationship habits from their parents. Do you really think its healthy for kids to see two unloving parents. Wouldn’t you want your kids to have a real loving marriage and relationships in the future. Why waste your time or hers by waiting. In addition, what is your wife she loses her weight when you leave and becomes simply desirable and your mistress gains weight. Would you no longer love your mistress. Do you really think waiting until your kids are older and see this is better. Your kids are going to see you leave and start a life with someone knew. This could cause some hurt feelings or feelings of hate towards you – kids are not stupid.
    Its so funny how so many men cheat and the other woman is not always all that or what you would expect. They are often less attractive in many ways. Men and women that cheat are weak. Much of this has to do with self-esteem and their need for attention. I just don’t at all see the point of getting married if you are going to be unfaithful or even just leaving if your unhappily married. Most likely, your spouse probably has the same feelings and you are doing it out of convenience. Is it really worth it to live like that.

  125. After dating a man for a couple months, I discovered that I was the “other woman.” Since we seemed soooo perfect for each other, I tried “working through it” for a few more weeks. He even filed for divorce. (I verified it against the court records.)
    I am/was such a fool. This website LISTS EVERYTHING that he “told me” about his “unhappy” marriage. I feel bad for him regardless of whether he told me the truth or not. Because if he can spend twenty years in what he deemed a lifeless marriage, how can he possibly love me if he does not even love himself?
    I wonder if everyone in this “love triangle” (where are the kids in this triangle?) has given up on pure love and trust because they have been hurt: emotionally, physically, and/or sexually. I was raped and sexually assaulted – once by a college friend and once by a fellow lawyer. Obviously, this affair/deceit has not helped me overcome my trust issues. I even hid all of this from my therapist.
    At first, I was appalled by how much I wanted this “relationship” to work. After reading all these postings, I now understand my three weeks of infidelity. At 29, I have lost faith – in people, in relationships, in life, and in myself. I always thought that I would be engaged to a genuine kind hearted man by now. I was in love once. It was beautiful, simple, uncomplicated, and tender. I lost faith. I don’t think I am alone. I wish I were though. There is no truth to “misery loves company.”
    Natalie

  126. You know, my husband and I separated because he cheated on me. He did not want me to know, but she threatened to tell me. It was for a period of two months and ended. All of a sudden, 7 mos later, she decides she wants out of her relationship and threatens to tell me because I have always made it clear – cheating is not an option. During the 2 mos this happened, my husband and I were having a rough time. He was selfish, it was all about him, we have two kids and he had never been involved.. I mean really an “involved” father. To the point, my son would say “daddy does not love him”. My son started having a rough time in school and I was the one left (being married), but still the only one dealing with everything. He just did his own thing. Sorry, but I did not have the time or energy to be at his side and give him much attention because I was drained, working f/t, going to school f/t myself, taking care of the two kids and the underlying issues and never got help from him, their own father. I tried hinting to my husband/telling him that he needed to be more involved in family. We had some fights, so instead of acting like a man and resolving the issue, he cried to some chick who gave him the attention he needed. It took us separating for him to finally see that he was not involved like he should be. The kids even say “daddy spends more time with them, etc”. My husbands thoughts were that because he “babysat” them and was home with them a couple nights a week, that he was involved. He just did not get it until everything about fell apart. Now he claims he doesn’t know what he was thinking. It was selfishness, think of others sometimes. Of course, he acted like our divorce would be hard on him, even though, in reality, I would have been the one left with the kids and doing everything. What was going to be different as I told him – he would have just been absent and not living there. Like I told him, nothing was going to change. It was like that already. We are trying to work things out, which I never thought I would do, but I set rules. Communication is very important. I don’t want him staying for any other reason then that he wants to. I never thought I was stay after being cheated on, but I guess it depends on how the situation occurs. My husband has completely turned around as a father and a husband. Would he ever do it again?? If I knew it could happen, I may have went ahead and paid the attorney to file for divorce. I wish I knew.
    Gramma – You have some great points. Some think women don’t want sex as much as a man, but many of us do. Your absolutely right, when the man cheats and leaves, in most cases, they run off crying boo hoo and the wife gets left taking care of everything. We are the ones left responsible and the ones who are limited because we have the kids with us and don’t have the freedom they do.
    Disqusted – once a cheater, always a cheater, I still am asking that same question. Although, I think people can change, they fell for it once, whats the chance of them falling again?

  127. I wish I had all the answers. My husband started cheating after a 30 yr wonderful marriage. I forgave him 3 times before I finally left. He now says he is tired of it all and no longer interested and wants to fulfill his marriage vows.
    I do still love him, and I never denied him sex and always tried to make it exciting for him. He says he still loves me and will never cheat again. I am 65 and he is 64. We have children and Grand children. His affairs were with women in their 40’s. Don’t these women know that they are tearing the heart out of another woman. geeeeze.
    Should I give him another chance?

  128. Wow..Anna.. that is a real hard decision. Do you really love him? Do you think he really does mean it when he says it won’t happen again? Did he say that before.
    These woman are just selfish, if they know a man is married, they should leave him alone. Maybe someday they will be in the “wife” position and realize how bad they are hurting the other person. My husband has a two mo affair, 7 mos after it ended she threatened to tell me. He had told her in the past that I would not stand for it, so her thoughts were that he would be kicked out. I ended up being more calm then I ever thought I would. I told him it was up to him, he should be with whoever he loves and wherever his heart leads him. I did not want him to not leave if that is what he truly wanted. He said he wanted to stay, but thought that I would never forgive him or even let him stay. She continued to pursue him, telling lies, writing him letters, she called me and told me she was pregnant which really is where he got mad and did not care about her feelings. Her lies proved how immature/desperate she was. In fact, after her boyfriend found out, she told him he should sleep with someone to get her back. What kind of mature woman would act like this. At first he told her he was staying, but was not direct enough with her for her to get it that he was not leaving. She continued to pursue him. She even wrote him a letter after he decided to stay telling him she would do anything to be with him, she was sorry for pushing him back to me, and she wanted to be his wife someday, but would take what she could get from him for now. We still go through issues, we are trying to work it out, but he considers it done and over with, states it will never happen again because he would never want to go through the pain again of hurting me or risking anything. He swears he loves me and is staying for that reason. Even though he tries so hard, I still am recovering from the pain, I still need time to regain trust and he sometimes does not understand how it can’t just be done and over. I think you should give it your all, but I think sometimes we should trust our gut. What is your gut telling you? Sometimes I think that with the emotional rollercoasters that it would have been easier to seperate or divorce because although I forgive him, we still need to recover. I gave my husband every opportunity to leave. Even have offered to split the house and everything fairly. He claims he does not want that. I believe him because I think I have made it so rough on him that if he really did not want to be home with me he would not put up with my mood swings. I wish you luck, who knows if we make the right decision. I don’t know why some people cannot be faithful, they usually have to lose everything to know what they want? I hope whatever choice you make, makes you happy.

  129. this past week end i cheated on my wife of two years no doubt on our annaversary feb 5th. it was not a planned event.we were in mexico i had two drinks, advil, and a full bottle of pepto bismol (i was sick). anyway ened up in a cab where the guy took me to a brothl(i never asked him he i think was getting paid). the whole time i felt as though i was dreaming. cutting the story short i woke up heart racing and though about what happen and broke down and started crying witch woke my wife. and i told here right then. at this point i am broken and she is to. i love here with all my heart i don’t see how anyone could plan to cheat and not even that do it more than once!! my wife has chosen to stay with me witch is a blessing!! but is very hard she won’t touch me huge me hardly looks at me. i have been staind for the rest of my life! cheating is wrong and hurts people very deeply.

  130. I wanna know what makes a man who is married cheat on his wife with his mistress for 2 years and then want his mistress pregnant, not his wife.

  131. Men can’t help it, it’s biological! It’s their nature to cheat. Men are just programmed that way. After all, we are animals, and like animals, the male must inseminate as many females as he can in order to spread his genes in the gene pool. I am a 47 year old divorced
    woman with two children and, after years of dating and heartache, I finally accepted this fact. I don’t expect monogamy and fidelity from any man, therefore, I do not choose to have a committed relationship. Now, I have peace of mind and I don’t give a rats a$$ if any of them cheat. At this stage of the game, who the heck needs them anyway.

  132. Natalie asked: “I wonder if everyone in this “love triangle” (where are the kids in this triangle?)”
    Right in the middle, unfortunately.

  133. If a married man only falls in love with another woman but without the physical intimacy, is that considered as cheating? He loves both of them and he wants to be the mental support for both of them. He will only have sex with his wife. But he will want to meet the other woman all the time. He never ‘cheats’ on his wife phycially, but he love is divided.
    He treats his wife well. He is a loving father. However, he will pursuit other women of his dreams. To become close friends with them (well, so far there is only one, but cannot ignore the fact that there maybe more in the future). He said he could not control how he feels for the other woman. Even though he is such a sweet husband to me, but I cannot take the fact that he loves other women as well. Is this good enough groud to consider a divorce?
    Is only having sex with someone else is consider as cheating? How about falling in love with someone else? It also hurts!

  134. Kle, yes, I think that’s cheating. I realize that it’s quite possible to love a number of people deeply (heck, I love all three of my kids a ton!) but I think that there’s a level of commitment, a level of devotion that you should reserve for your spouse if you are to be in a fully committed, mutually valuable relationship.
    That presupposes a monogamous relationship, but that sounds like what you have, so I think the presumption is safe, yes?
    Finally, it seems to me that your last sentence answers your question for you: “It also hurts!” tells me that the state of your relationship is NOT one where you are feeling cherised and where your emotional needs are being met.

  135. I can personally attest that divided love is indeed unfair to the other person and technically cheating.
    I am a Cheater.
    I have been in a serious college relationship for 3 years, and the setting has provided some serious temptation. My partner is my best friend. We both thought we could never cheat on each other. I am a good person. And yet somehow it happened. I won’t blame the alcohol, it was my secret desire for a moment, I suppose, to try this other guy out. Just once, and I instantly regretted it. This was a year ago. But now my attention has been divided between the two. They are polar opposites in personality and I get different things from each of them.
    I too feel “stained” for life…scarlet lettered. We all hear the lovers lament, that cheating does not pay. And yet some fall to the same folly. It is important to remind ourselves and others that we are all human, and we make mistakes.
    —————————–
    If there is anyone out there…
    I know there is a right answer somewhere. I just haven’t figured it out. When to leave my best friend? If I should at all? When is the best time to leave? is there a best time? Or a less hurtful time? We are not married. Do I owe it to myself to take a risk on this other man and leave my best friend? Or is this all some elaborate self sabotage? There is that fear of being alone forever. And forever is a long time.

  136. A couple of thoughts from a woman in a happy relationship.
    Firstly, if guys/girls need to cheat because they’re not getting enough of whatever they think justifies cheating (sex, attention etc) then it’s usually because they’re not fulfilling their own partner’s needs. Believe me, women ‘put out’ (to be blunt) when they are made to feel special and wanted. If you are treated really well by someone don’t you go out of your way to treat them well back? And yes, this even goes if you have children and are busy/tired people. I have two (under two) and a business and that hasn’t stopped either myself or my husband from wanting to spend time together or from wanting to have sex. I want my husband to know everyday that I choose to be with him, that there is no one else I would rather be with for the rest of my life. He does the same and it’s a great feeling. Why would I ever need to look elsewhere?
    Secondly, the idiots that say that cheating is a biological imperative have clearly not evolved as much as the rest of us. We may have primal urges but we also have highly evolved brains and reasoning capacities. Monogomy is the western way of life because it is the ONLY way to preserve the species. To have a healthy society requires that children are brought up by parents who care and are committed to their development. This takes time, normally at least 18 years. The human race will not survive in any worth while way if you think that it’s all about ‘spreading your seed’ as much as possible. Yeah, great, I can picture it now… the world being run by a bunch of people abandoned at birth by their father who was too busy getting his end away to take any responsibility for their being. I’m sure they’d all be stellar, balanced adults, what with all those positive role models around…
    I firmly believe that if anyone cheats in a relationship there is NO excuse. If you are willing to risk your relationship for a bit of pleasure then it is clear you did not hold the relationship in high regard. Leave before you cheat. It’s the only admirable thing to do. Staying with someone whilst having an affair ‘because of the kids’ is just another convenient excuse for not having the balls to do the right thing by everyone. Your kids aren’t interested in finding out that dad or mum was a cheater but stayed because of them. When your kids find out, because they will find out, what damage do you think it will do to them and to the way they are treated or treat partners in the future? Bottom line, cheating is selfish. Think of your partner, think of your children, think of your friends and colleagues who will all be affected. Everyone will be forced to ask themselves the same question – do they want a cheater in their life? Can you be friends/husband/wife to a cheater and it not reflect badly on yourself and your own values. A good friend recently found out his best friend is cheating on his wife. Now he has to decide if he stays friends or not. If he stays friends he is worried he is sending a message to his own wife that cheating is ok. He wishes he weren’t in this position so imagine how the wife who was cheated on feels?

  137. Shari,
    You are right.. so right, I loved reading your comment, I completely agree about everything you said. There are so many husbands/wives that cheat now, no values, no wonder society is like it is. Its a shame more children don’t have both parents together in their life. It only gets worse. It seems as though morales are just going down the toilet. As for biological – its definitely an excuse, its a choice, a person is not forced to cheat. If they are unhappy in their own relationship, they need to communicate that, don’t just run off from the problem – try to fix it. If one spouse is unhappy then the other is also most likely unhappy. Those who cheat, I think are very selfish, they don’t think about their consequences before they decide to hurt another person. So many people are affected by those who cheat, kids, spouse, family, friends… You should never just stay for the children, they see it all, they know. They learn from what they see, I want my children to know that you should love your spouse and cherish them. I want them to have successful relationships. I am not against divorce,nor am I for it, but I think people need to really realize what they are doing when they say “I do” and be willing to try as hard as they can to make each other happy, but it does take two. As a wife that was cheated on.. It hurts, feels like your heart is just lifted out of your body, it goes numb!! I tried over and over to communicate to my spouse that I was unhappy and tried over and over to make things better, but he was too selfish and just ran away from the problem. He was obviously unhappy too, but thought everyone was just critizing him – boo hoo. Finally, after everything, he is finally really listening, but its shame the only way he “got it” was by going through what we did. Now hopefully, my children will see us in a better relationship and can learn from that. I thought before if things did not change, then it was better for my children to see us happy apart and maybe extending the family then to see us unhappy together. Just my thoughts.

  138. Okay I have been married for 10 years to a man that is in the public eye a saint…. he is very well liked in his job and by the so many in the public. He was 38 when I married him and he had never been married before…. I had and had 3 kids to bring into the marriage…. We had a daughter 2 years after we were married… he was everything to me….to make a long story short…. he is not affectionate, or physical… it has been 6 months since he has had sex with me…We have talked about this over the years with it getting better for a week then going back to the same thing…. he sleeps in my daughters bed…. he is a great provider and a very good person….. he told me that sex was an animalistic behavior and that he did not need it to sustain life….. I also caught him last summer searching gay porn sites on the internet… I confronted him and he swore to me that he would never do this again…. he had been doing it for over 3 weeks or as long as the history would go back to…. I have always been told that I am attractive by others they can’t believe I am the in my 40’s so I can’t understand why he doesnt desire me….. I have cried many nights on this and about this…. he doesnt get turned on by sexy undergarments….etc…. I met someone where I work in October and it started out as a great friendship and he is a psycologist…we are in a relationship now….do I feel like my husband has been having an affair with his job for years yes… I have begged for counseling and he will not go… he told me that he is who he is…. so do you stay for the kids….. do you live your life unhappy with a man that doesn’t desire you…..all you people that judge others have no idea what goes on in anothers life behind closed doors…. no one in my community would ever suspect that our marriage is the way it is….2 church going very public people… well I’m tired of the lies….I’m tired of being a trophy wife…..It says that you are suppose to turn toward your spouse when you are being neglected ….well what do you do when they don’t want you….. he will not divorce me because of my daughter… he would fight me to the end for her and to not pay child support….so what do you do in a loveless marriage….CHEAT? I do love him…. but no I’m not in love with him anymore…..he has killed that by neglecting me emotionally and physically… so if you want to know why SOME women cheat it is to fill the void of not being loved emotionally….. all statistics are not correct…. Am I in love with this other person….tremendously….and yes he is married with kids….we talk about how this will hurt everyone involved if it ever came out….and we are trying to decide now what we want and need to do….. don’t think that everyone only thinks about themselves when things like this happens…we are constantly thinking about the choices we have made during all this….it is not simply about the SEX…. if it were that would be easy….it is about emotions and 2 families that can be destroyed….it wasn’t about not getting enought sex at home it was so many other things that came into play…
    So don’t think this is a picnic for me…..I don’t like either situation…. at times I can’t believe I have let myself get into this…..with that said there is so much more that really is mine to deal with…. I just wish that people would leave the judgment of others to the one person that in the end we all answer to…GOD…. don’t think I don’t know that…I think about it every single minute I’m in this….we don’t need to be judged here on earth…every situation is different….

  139. Its very hard, but if you are willing to cheat, then you might as well leave the unhappy marriage. See – people are afraid of what others may think of them. Okay – I understand, but if you are unhappy, then you are unhappy and if you have tried to change the relationship and really put all the effort necessary into this then you should do what is best for everyone. You say you are unhappy, but is that really the excuse for cheating on your husband, do you think that cheating is going to make you try harder to work it out with your husband? very unlikely, this other person is giving you what you need and the more you pursue continuing that relationship the more unlikely you will even want to work out your marriage. The hurt from an affair is very harsh. Its not fair to your husband, or what about his wife – could you imagine if you were in her shoes. Your reasons may be different from his, but fact is, both of you are going to hurt your spouses if this ever does come out. Maybe you don’t know what it feels like to be cheated on, but its very painful and its just not right. We wonder why society has no morales, because we find excuses for the things we do. I am not trying to say that you are wrong or right, but morally – this is not fair to all involved – even yourself for having to give all your love to someone you are not with. I feel for you because you do not have that, but .. is it fair that you are going to hurt some other woman because your unhappy in your own marriage. Again, no one is thinking of the other people involved. Only of your own feelings and needs, and please understand, I am not saying those are not important because they are absolutely very important. If you and this married man are happy together, then before you went further, you should take the risk and leave your spouses, instead of involving them in any further lies and deception. I hope everything works out for you, I really do, but I just wish that those who do cheat would end things before they cheat. Whats the point of continuing. By cheating, you are just lowering your risk of working things out in your marriage anyway. or what continue to cheat waiting to find the right person? I wish you the best of luck in your situation.

  140. I also wanted to say, you know, as I stated in my situation, I was extremely unhappy and yes, I was attracted to others, seeing how they were good husbands, good fathers, good people and thought I wanted to be with someone like that, but to me: if the man is married, he is unavailable – doesn’t matter, you have control of keeping your distance. You CHOOSE to cheat or CHOOSE not to cheat, but it is a choice, no one forces you to get to that point. I was still married and therefore until I was not – pursuing another person was not an option. I had tried over and over again to work it out with my husband, but then after trying and nothing getting better. I told him we should get a divorce, but he wanted to work on things. He cheated on me prior to this or around this time. If he thought he wanted to be with that other person, why wouldnt you just pursue the divorce and move on, rather then cheat? Maybe you can answer that. But point is..rather then stay unhappy, I knew I would have to make changes in my family to be happy. I would have lost a lot too, but.. as you know, if you are trying and nothing is changing, then it feels like its a done deal, there are not many other options. FACT IS.. when you are married, other people should be off limits, you need to pursue a divorce before moving on. You can hurt too many people more by cheating. Do you think cheating makes you look more like a saint or a better person, then just leaving the marriage?

  141. Hmmm…I’ve always wondered why people continue to think it is men that do most of the cheating. I honestly believe there are more woman cheating than men. I think you boys should think twice about your girlfriends/wives….They aren’t as innocent as they seem. You should hear the discussions females have with their friends. i’m sure you would be surprised. Did you ever think that woman WANT to have sex but just not with YOU….

  142. Molly, your husband is clearly gay or in denial. Whatever it is he’s not into you the way you would like him to be. It must be an incredibly hard to be with someone who is not emotionally present.
    But regardless, you are in a relationship with another man now. So why you are staying with your husband?
    It’s not because of the kids, no matter what you tell yourself. Kids don’t need to be surrounded by parents who don’t love each other, who cheat (physically or online). Not only is it an incredibly bad example to set them of what relationships are like but when they find out it will change the way they look at you forever.
    Believe me, I know. My father was a saint in my eyes until age 16 I found out that he was having an affair. It didn’t matter that for years I had told him to leave my mother – they had a very unhappy relationship, completely loveless, no physical contact, no bed sharing bla bla bla. The fact is he should have done the right thing by the family, by my mother who after all bore his children, and gotten out before the cheating began. He died suddenly a few years ago and I am afraid that despite him being a great man in every other aspect of his life particularly as a father he will forever be remembered by everyone who knew him (because everyone always finds out) as a cheat. I have to live with that knowledge and I can’t do a thing to change it. You too will ultimately be judged by others.
    But if this doesn’t worry you you should at least keep in mind that when you die the most important thing is that YOU be proud of the life you lived and the choices you made.
    Will you be happy not having been true to yourself? What is wrong with wanting to be fullfilled? Will you regret that you were unfaithful?
    More than anything you owe it to yourself and to your children to actively seek happiness in your life whilst respecting others. So go and be with your ‘other’ man, be happy and get the emotional support you need but do not get from your husband.
    It will be hard at first, no one wants to break up a family but in the long run it will work out. We are all sons and daughters to our parents and we do quickly get to a point where we want our parents happiness as much as they want ours. Write your children a letter now that explains why you are leaving and give it to them when they are old enough to understand. One day they too will be adults facing similar dilemmas – how to be true to one’s oneself without hurting others.

  143. I am 49 years old. I am not the most beautiful Women in the World But not the most ugly. I live a high profile life as an Entertainer.(Vocalist/Writer not stripper ok guys)I have a Beautiful Daughter 27 years old. I am married to a Beautiful man. That I love with All of my HEART
    And Soul. I CARE what he Feels and what he Thinks.\I Care if his health is ok Or He is feeling Unappreciated or feeling mis understood / I care about his Dreams and Everything a True Freind could care for.And He is a Good Man Works hard never let me down Finacially at all. Very Honorable person would help a total stranger. Yet I can tell you I always wanted him to be home more. That is where the weakness was. I can not begin to tell you how it felt to hear some younger Women on the phone saying ………but I Love Him.
    Wow………… talk about pull the life right out of me………..It would have been kinder to shoot me…………He never intended me to find out. Yet its funny the truth does show up even if you don’t want to know! Now
    It wasn’t a Slap in the face
    it was a beatting
    and mutilation
    to my heart and life.
    MY Husband has been my Everything
    best freind
    My Lover
    My World. He has been my rock my EVERYTHING! Can Not
    Imagine Me Without him. Yet I am very independent so do not get the idea I am some clingy jellyfish. Hardly I am quite capiable of doing for MYSELF. And I Do Not LOOK My Age, I am not hard to look at. It is my job I am an entertainer so it is not that I have let myself go…It is not that I make him feel he is Not Needed. The Problem was the being away from each other too much. You Have to Stay connected. YOU Have To Care about EVERYTHING. HONESTY MATTERS!FAMILY MATTERS! I will tell you Other than feeling OLd
    and wondering if I could ever trust anyone again.
    And feeling that my little World had been Trashed.
    All of the personal crap I could feel. This is where I stand. I Love Him he is my LONG TIME FRIEND And Family Through Good times and Bad.I want him to be Happy. Even if it is Not WITH ME>
    I could no more Stop Loving Him than I could one of my children no matter what they did. I might not like the action but I will love them.My Heart will never let me do anything else. So All I did was ask him to please Go if that was where he wanted to be and take everything cause none of it mattered to me if he were not here. Includeing all jewlery cars home funiture I mean everything. I never rasied my voice I will not call him names and I will not say I hate you because I do not hate him. I am giving as much as I can humanly give to him and if that is not enough then all I can do is say I am sorry I failed to give you what you need, I tried. If you Truely Love Truely Love it is bigger than any material Gain It is bigger than any huge diamonds I have all of those things but none of it would matter without him.Love goes beyond ourselfs I would gladly give up all for him to be happy. Love is Bigger than Right or Wrong .Love can cover a mistake. Do you Love love someone so much? My life is worth something and so is my family. HY HUSBAND is just human. I will not just let him walk on me either. If you knew me you would know I am a Fighter but only in causes I TRUELY BELIVE IN! All I can do is try. She appears to be gone and he appears to be wanting to talk to me these days Only time will tell, And as far as hurt for me Yes its there
    and I will always have that insecurity and deep pain but It is my task now to deal with what part is vainity and pride and what part is fear and what part is the part that matters. But I still tell him if you don’t want to be here please go Somebody might Love me.

  144. I have a question-why do men really cheat? I think that if they are so happy in their marriage, they wouldn’t be looking elsewhere-there would be no need. If a man is so happy and in love with his wife, then why cheat? Do men (and women) compartmentalize? They can have a happy life at home, but they also want a little excitement on the side? A friend once said “if he’s wiling to risk getting caught, then what he’s risking isn’t worth losing.”

  145. My husband is cheating on me openly with a stripper. He keeps saying it is only a fling and he will stop soon. Just give him time. I love him and he is taking my love for granted only because he knows i am little miss faithful

  146. What really gets me are the cowards who say they “love” their wives but have a biological right to fuck around while at the same time they hide it from their wives. Why the hell do you hide it??!!?? There are various answers for this for which I won’t waste time – but believe me, none of them make you look ALPHA dipshit!
    As for the rest, may I share the following:
    1. “She” is not the reason your marriage sucks. YOU are. If you spent half as much time paying attention to her as you do trolling CL for sluts, your marriage would be a whole hell of a lot better.
    2. Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard it a thousand times. You’re in a sexless marriage. First of all, that’s probably a lie, because most cheaters are liars too. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, pal- if your wife isn’t interested in sex, it’s because you’re not offering sex that’s interesting. Married guys get awfully boring after a while. They do the same boring thing the same boring way every fucking time and they expect you to scream like a porn star. Seriously, you come home from work, totally ignore her while she chases the kids around for 4 hours, makes dinner, does the laundry, blah blah blah, and then you expect her to roll over with her legs open for another session of same-old same-old? When are you idiots going to learn that the best foreplay in the world for a woman is watching you take care of the kids, vacuum the floor, pick up the dog poo in the backyard. Or how about just listening when she talks? You know, it’s not that fucking hard to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes and hear what she has to say. Think about it- way back when, when you were getting your brains fucked out on a regular basis- what were YOU doing differently than you’re doing now? Planning dates, telling her she looked nice, acting like you’re happy to be with her? A thousand dollars says if you do that stuff again you’ll get the same result.
    3. Your kids are NOT the reason you’re staying married. If you were THAT miserable, you’d leave whether you had kids or not. If you’re not getting a divorce it’s because YOU DON’T WANT TO. For whatever reason. At least be honest and don’t try to feed people that tired bullshit line about staying married for the kids. Contrary to what you think, it doesn’t make you look like a poor suffering but honorable victim. You obviously don’t care enough about your kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her, and you don’t care about them enough to spend time with THEM instead of some cheap whore, so cut it out with that crap. There is absolutely nothing honorable about putting your dick ahead of your kids. If you really really cared about them, you would put ALL your time and effort and money into saving the one thing that means most to them in the whole world- your marriage and their family. Otherwise you’re full of shit.
    4. We all know how bored you are. Poor you, someone should really come along to entertain you. What are you, fucking 12 years old? If you’re bored with your marriage, it’s because YOU’RE BORING, and have you ever stopped to think that if you’re bored, she probably is too. But instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, she’s at home cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer and washing kool-aid off the kitchen floor. Yeah, she’s having a fucking riot washing your underwear and cleaning up cat puke. Marriage is hard work. Hell, life is hard work. Grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for yourself. You have a brain, USE it. Put some thought into your marriage and some effort into your life and stop blaming her and being a baby because life isn’t fun.
    5. You’re looking for someone “younger”. Sure you are. Dickhead. You think you look the same as you did when you got married? I’d bet not. Even if you do, you haven’t spent the last 10 years having babies (the ones YOU wanted) and sacrificing your body for them. The next time you have to have someone stitch your asshole together because your just pushed a watermelon out of your butt, then you can sqwauk. If you ever spend 9 months with your belly stretched to obscene proportions, and manage to look exactly the same as you used to 6 weeks later, then you can bitch about how she’s not attractive anymore. Until then, shut the fuck up. You have no concept of what she has sacrificed to give you the children you claim to love. You really think she wants varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs? Get real. What she wants is a man who understands and values WHY she has varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs. She wants a man who loves her because she was willing to make those sacrifices with her own body because she loves HIM. Instead, you criticize and go running off with the first perky 25 year old who gives you the time of day. Asshole.
    6. And finally, if you’re cheating on your wife, there’s something wrong with YOU. If you’re not happy with your marriage, exactly how do you think fucking some slut is going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anyone happy? Have you ever actually heard of adultery working out really well for everyone involved? Are you actually stupid enough to think that you’re going to be the exception to that rule? If so, you are delusional and you need professional help. Affairs are disasters- not some of the time, not most of the time, ALL OF THE TIME. You guilt will drive you crazy. Someone WILL find out. You will NOT be able to keep up the lies and the deception. And it will all lead up to a disaster of epic proportions, which leads me to Lucky #7.
    7. Here’s what you can expect in the wake of your little fuck-fest:
    Divorce- this is where you lose everything- your wife, your house, half your income and possessions, possibly your job if you’re stupid enough to be fucking around with a co-worker, your kids- EVERYTHING. You will LOSE IT ALL.
    Exposure- this is where everyone finds out what a scumbag you are. And they WILL find out. Your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your family, HER family, your neighbors, the parents of your kids’ friends, everyone at your church. They WILL find out. Why? Because your now ex-wife will tell them. She will probably tell everyone she knows, and everyone you know, and she will feel good doing it. Consider yourself lucky if she doesn’t rent a billboard. Otherwise, all bets are off. Be prepared.
    Your Kids- this is where you totally lose the respect of your kids, and you deserve to lose it. They will realize in pretty short order that you didn’t care enough about them to keep your fucking pants on. They will see their mother cry and they will hate you for it. They will end up shuttling back and forth between their home and your apartment, and they will hate you for it. Every time they have to tell someone that their parents are divorced, they will hate you for it. And God forbid you decide to “introduce” them to your shiny new soulmate/fuckbuddy, they will REALLY hate you for that. If your kids are really young, you have a little time before all this shit hits the fan, but be warned, it’s coming. They will forever see you as the moron who broke up their family. They will know that you can’t be trusted, that you are weak and immoral and selfish. And they’ll figure it out all by themselves, even if you never talk to them about it. Because your kids are smarter than you are at this point.
    So, go ahead and whine your pathetic bullshit about how you’re a victim and your wife is a horrible shrew. Do your best to convince yourself that you didn’t have any choice and your wife “drove you to it.” Start with the rationalizations and justifications now, you’re going to need a lot of them. Remember that the best defense is a good offense and start a mental list of all the ways your wife is deficient. Make sure to re-write the history of your marriage so that you can say that you were miserable from the first day. Be sure to tell your wife that you love her, you’re just not “in love” with her anymore. Deal with your guilt by lashing out at everyone around you. Above all, take no responsibility for any problems YOU may have that caused you to be such a spineless bastard in the first place.

  147. vStar,
    You rock. That was the best posting yet. Maybe someone should publish your post in Men’s Health. Instead of the “well, 50% of men cheat so…..hell why shouldn’t I”
    PERFECT POST!!!

  148. I have no problem with more than one spouse. I think every WOMAN should have at least two husbands. One for casual and one for formal occasions.

  149. Yes Im a woman I didnt mispell Eric haha But I stumbled across this page while fighting with my husband and Kinda got interested and I have to say thank you to all those guys who are faithful… Ive been married twice my first husband beat me while I was pregnant and cheated on me for 3 years and my second husband Slept with a 14 year old girl and told another girl he was in love with her to hurt me while I was pregnant with his child…so with me its almost like the wired thing could be true but I have 5 FAITHFUL brothers however and that tells me other wise Honestly thought What exactly is it that makes you treat the mother of your children so badly?? yet your kind and faithful to other girls who are considered “less attractive” Please fill me in

  150. Yes Im a woman I didnt mispell Eric haha But I stumbled across this page while fighting with my husband and Kinda got interested and I have to say thank you to all those guys who are faithful… Ive been married twice my first husband beat me while I was pregnant and cheated on me for 3 years and my second husband Slept with a 14 year old girl and told another girl he was in love with her to hurt me while I was pregnant with his child…so with me its almost like the wired thing could be true but I have 5 FAITHFUL brothers however and that tells me other wise Honestly thought What exactly is it that makes you treat the mother of your children so badly?? yet your kind and faithful to other girls who are considered “less attractive” Please fill me in

  151. you know I can’t find a reason to justify cheating outright on your spouse. I just hope someone will see where I have been and find some understanding of what this does to a person. I have been married for 25 yrs. my husband is far from a perfect man, he is a drug addict, he’s abused us(myself and my children),abandoned us, neglected us,a year ago he was incarcerated for his drug use,I couldn’t take all of his stuff anymore and told him I hope it’s all worth losing your family over, He lied, went back to drugs, never did anything to get his family back the way he shouls threatened to kill me and went back to jail again(fool that I am) I let him around me again I told him please don’t hurt me anymore my herat can’t take it. I’ve recently learned that while lying to me telling me he was working on our marriage sleeping with me he was also talking to another woman, are you kidding me??? He actually tried to make me beleive this whole situation is my fault. I know better!! however my heart is still hurt. Please if you are considering cheating on your spouse ; don’t – end the realtionship completely,and go on with your life , secondly don’t disrespect, lie to your spouse . it may not be easy but honesty truly is the best policy.

  152. If you catch your spouse cheating on you, do not give a 2nd chance. They will do it again. If you feel you need to give a 2nd chance, for gods sake do not give a 3rd.
    This is also to blame for why men cheat on us. Because some women let them! So stop it! You are as bad as the guy cheating!

  153. I have a suggestion about adultery. It should be considered criminal and punishable by law. With all the sexually transmitted diseases, cheating puts the spouse in danger. Not to mention what it does emotionally to the spouse who is cheated on and the children.
    I have been cheated on. Betrayed by my husband and a friend. He lives with her but yet does not cooperate with the divorce. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
    My ex is truly selfish, full of deceit and is cowardly. Yet, in business, he is loved by all. I think the Jekyll and Hyde personality is not to be trusted wether it is a business or personal relationship. They will throw anyone under a bus. If he can’t do right by his kids, no one should trust him. When I look him in the eye, I see nothing but an empty shell. She can have him. I want my divorce.
    Back to my original comment, he would still have cheated wether there were legal implications…he thinks he is above the law. But, I do think some would think twice if there were severe consequences to the act.

  154. I need the advice of someone wise and experienced.
    I am attractive and great in bed and had lots of great sex with my husband– yet . . . I just found out that my husband (married only three months) is cheating with other men and women. He may have paid for escort services.
    We also have a three month old baby.
    I am still very attractive even after the baby.
    Do I stay or do I go??
    If I stay for the sake of the baby, I am afraid to sleep with my ‘husband’ due to STD’s, AIDS, etc.
    BUT, I do not want to put the infant in day care while I return to work in the event of a divorce.
    Am I selling my soul to the devil by staying in this ‘marraige’ for the sake of the infant?
    How long do you think my ‘husband’ will put up with a sexless marraige before filing for divorce?

  155. Too many women are taught to think of others and to give to others before taking care of themselves and we see where this gets the. The solution is for women to start being SELFISH.
    Selfishness is the ONLY way for women to even the score with men who on the whole seem to have no problem being selfish themselves.

  156. It’s amazing the amount of self righteousnous that exists on this site/blog. The air is thick with it. Even funnier than that is the amount of self righteous christian sounding people who are being completely judgemental. Perhaps you aught to re-read your bibles.
    The simple answer to this question is because we don’t see sex the same as women. This isn’t a dodge of the issue. Like I said we don’t see sex that same way. This is not to say that we don’t see consequence, or culpability. It’s funny that most cheaters would want a second chance, but wouldn’t give a second chance. Also cheaters are most like to see cheaters in others. (PS Not to avoid the point, but I’ve known far more female cheaters than I have know male cheaters)
    Do I love my wife? Yes.
    Did I get married because I wanted to get married? No. The marriage was for her state of mind. I personally believe marriage and the vows you take when you get married are a load of malarky, and religious shite. They are just words, and can/are broken on a regular basis. People are evil, stupid, selfish, egocentric, and LIARS. Just to make myself clear “WE ALL ARE”. Does that make us all untrustworthy? Hmmm.
    The original part about your dream woman (in my case Jennifer Conneley)showing up and offering you a good romp that the wife would never find out about. There is not a man on the face of this earth who would turn his dream woman down. NOT ONE!!! Any of you who say you wouldn’t are LYING!!! You can sit there and say you wouldn’t, but you can’t prove a negative.
    I’m not trying to justify anything. I’m not saying right or wrong. I’m stating the obvious.
    Have I ever cheated? Yes.
    Have I ever cheated on my wife? No.
    Would I ever? It could happen.
    Would I be an evil, untrustworthy, troll who shouldn’t be allowed to interact with Good people because my scuzziness might taint them? No.
    Give me a freaking break. I would be the same kind hearted, giving person, who caters to his wives every need and is protective of his friends. It’s a not a simple switch/even that turns you from the light side to the dark side. Don’t be so niave.
    Would I love my wife any less? No.
    Would it make me any less of a person? No.
    Would I feel bad if she found out. Sure.
    Would I feel bad because I hurt her feelings. Yes
    Would I try to rationalize it? No.
    Would I expect my wife to leave me. Sure.
    Would I be able to sleep at night? Yes.
    It’s just sex. Really. It is “just” sex. It’s when you start making it something that it’s not that you begin to see the cracks in the facade.
    I’m sure the minute I finish writing this all of you neigh sayers (especially you christians) will tear me apart and denounce me. And from your black and white worlds you might even seem justified. Lets be honest though. Out of the lot of you, I’m the only one being truly honest here. We all live our lives the best we can. We all make decisions and have to live with those consequences. There’s not a single one of you out there that can tell me I’m wrong or bad for doing it. I DEFY ANY OF YOU!
    Sex, Love and Life are what you make of them, unless of course your afraid of burning in an eternal pit of fire. Well on that lite note. Alas. Flame on foolios.
    AS an aside I also belive marraige should be handled differenlty than it is. I think marriages should have different lengths. I think the 1st time anyone gets married, they should only be held to a one year contract at 1st. This is already the case with the 1 year annulment thing, but that’s not what I mean. I think that after the year is up, you are not married anymore, until or unless you re-up your contract. After that you can re-up your marriage contract for as long as you deam appropriate. If after the 1st year, things aren’t going quite the way you thought it would or the infatuation fades, or it turns out your spouse is a real weiner, or whatever. You shouldn’t have to be stuck with that decision. (No other contract that you will ever sign in your life will pin you to someone or something for the rest of your life) There’s a lot of real losers in this world (which is apparent in previous posts). Granted you should have your head far enough out of your @ss to see this before you get married, but… I also believe that you shouldn’t be able to have kids unless you opted for the 20 year or higher plan. I also believe that deal breakers (contractual defaults) should be listed on the contract. But that’s a different story for a different time.

  157. Sorry to bother again so quickly. In regards to Treifalicious post. Woman are not raised “to think of others and to give to others before taking care of themselves” That’s an old stereo type that no longer exists. Let me take this moment to say that isn’t the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard but it’s pretty high up there. First of all your belief that women are raised to care and give an all is POOP. Women are just as evil and as stupid as men are. Now that I think about it, they are even more so, but I haven’t the time or the space to elucidate at this time. 2ndly you don’t redress an issue (“Even the score”) by taking on the worst and most dreadful qualities of your opponent. That just makes them right and you a moron. Jeez who dumped/cheated on you recently!? Or is it a fat/ugly thing your dealing with? I’d wish you a great day, but it seems your pretty determined to be bitter. Enjoy it just the same. :-|>

  158. Well, sorry that you got married for your wife’s peace of mind rather than because *you* wanted to get married, but as is common in this sort of discussion, it’s hard to separate out YOUR experience from some sort of common experience. I, for example, did not get married for my wife’s peace of mind, but because I love my wife and am devoted to her and our family.
    In *my* world, where we take vows seriously, a comment like “It’s just sex. Really. It is “just” sex.” strikes me as just avoiding responsibility and lacking maturity. In your world where you got married for different reasons and clearly feel a different depth of commitment to your wife, well, that’s your world and you’re welcome to it.
    Just don’t tell me that I’m wrong because your world isn’t everyone’s world. Fair?

  159. Must be nice to carry that big self righteous cross over your shoulder. You’re condescending attitude is so tiring. I’m sorry I can’t live up to your high and mighty standards. In “your” world I’m sure every thing is black and white, and I’m sure there are white picket fences too. I love my wife more than anything in life, and would do anything for her. If *you* try to tell me that’s not the case, then *your* just being judgmental.
    *You* did get married for your wifes piece of mind. *You* got married for other reasons as well I’m sure, but she wouldn’t have stuck around if you didn’t marry her. They, generaly speaking, don’t go for that (no oh, no can do). So get off your highhorse. Just because my standards don’t fit yours doesn’t make me immature, or disable me from feeling the same bredth of emotion for my wife that you do. I even discussed this with my wife last night and she thinks your full of self righteous POOH as well.
    I’ll call that FAIR. So as not to offend *you* perfect bloggers on this perfectly self righteous site, I will remove my offensive self, and my offensive verbage. I hope you think of this when your life comes tumbling down. Achi ni ikke. :-|>

  160. Sounds like you and your wife are a good pair and are happy. That’s great. But just perhaps… if everyone was in a happy relationship that was fulfilling, we wouldn’t even have this discussion thread because having affairs and cheating would be so incredibly rare that it’d be a non-issue.
    Instead, too many people have inane rationalizations and a complete inability to *work* on making their relationships work for both people. So they stray, they mess around, they “just have sex”, and people are hurt, children are ripped from parents, and things do not go well at all.
    That’s where life comes tumbling down, Antny, in my book, at least.

  161. Maybe we just need more men and women that have morals. I think that morals are part of the entire reason marriages are failing more and more. Men and women both cheat, I am not going to say one more then the other. I personally feel that sometimes the married couple just don’t have the same morals and don’t see marriage as a marriage is meant to be. You shouldn’t marry a woman because that’s the only way you’ll keep her, although many women want the commitment to know that there is some kind of “legalâ€? document? I guess they feel more secure. It’s harder to leave once you are married and have kids. Not saying you should stay for either, if your unhappy, then there is a thing called “Divorceâ€? out there and its not that hard to file. I just don’t think people should marry and divorce as they feel fit and take advantage of the option. I know a woman who has married 9 times, one of those 9 times was to the same man. I guess she thought it would be different the second time? But her children see this and have relationship problems now that they are grown. You know.. I just wish more people had morals and respected others. Treat others how you would want to be treated, question, would you want to be cheated on, how would that make you feel? I know cheating is possible and you can fall into a spot where temptation is so strong it could take you over. I understand that, but most people can tell when it’s getting to deep/intense. It’s all about SELF-CONTROL, don’t put yourself in the situation and if you feel as you are in the situation pull yourself away and avoid being in that situation. If you are going to cheat, PLEASE bottom line, JUST LEAVE. Just avoid the pain for everyone you are going to effect by letting yourself fall into temptation. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Hey, Antny, glad you and your wife are on the same page. Does she know you only married her to get her off your back and keep her. If so, thats great that she is secure with that. You obviously didnt want her to go? Each woman is different. Good Luck!! Your plans and look on marriage is interesting. Its like a rental, hey, isn’t that what dating/being engaged is about, seeing if you are compatible? Hey live with each other before you get married for a little while. You can just go and come as you please when convenient for you?

  162. You guys are coming down on this Anthony fellow awful hard. The title of this blog is “Why do men cheat on their spouces”. He answered the question without making any excuses for himself. Although I don’t want to be cheated on, he does have a point. I’ve asked the guys I know if this is true, and for the most part it’s seems to be true (Deplorable or not). He also said that he hadn’t cheated on his spouse. I wouldn’t want to marry the guy, but at least he was truthfull. He seemed to be looking at it from a “one time” point of view. A lot of the examples on this web page seem to be ongoing or habitual cheating. I’d be interested in hearing his thoughts on this. I don’t want to imply cheating one time versus many times is any different, but men who do the ongoing cheating kinda creep me out. The ones who do it once just anger me. I also be interested in knowing if Anthonys wife knows why he married her. As long as he told her the truth about the who, what and why isn’t that enough. My parents relationship was based on more, and they now hate each other. Can’t even get them in the same room together.
    While I’m at it, How do you non-cheating men feel about pornography? Good or bad? How do your wifes feel about it? How does Anthony and his wife feel about it? I know a lot of my girlfriends won’t allow their men to have it. It’s makes a me little uncomfortable at times. How many of us out there have read a romance novels, or Historical Fictions. Now that’s smut (especially the Outlander series, although Jamie is a hotty)
    I can’t say I like his ideas on rental marriage and I have to ask myself why. Am I afriad that I will not live up to my spouses standards, or is it because I don’t want to think the person I’ll marry might not be the right person. I do like the idea of a period of time that you have to be together with a person before you can marry them. Like a wainting period for owning a firearm. Any thoughts.
    Does anybody have statistics on how many people who cheat get caught at it?

  163. Each relationship is different, hey, its nice Antny and his wife agree on the reason for the relationship, but..you know, if you are not sure that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with that person – DONT MARRY THEM. Yes, some people change after and well, then there is divorce, although I believe many people don’t work hard enough on their marriage. I am just as guilty, we get into habits and don’t put too much effort into each other. This is where people should notice that hey.. we need to spend more time together or I need more, let me communicate that. Now, I know this happens, too many people give up, some just cheat right? so they put more effort into something else instead of their marriage and their family. And if there are kids involved its usually the faithful spouse that is home taking care of the kids, etc… thinking the unfaithful spouse is just working or whatever. Antny’s outlook is just interesting, it just seems so pessimistic. I just like looking at things a little more optimisticly and just dont settle for things because someone else wants them, there has to be compromise. And although it kind of seems as though he was forced to marry his wife? It seems as though they have a relationship that is on the same page and well, thats great if that is the case. Like I said everyone is different and their outlook on marriage is the same and they have the same views on things, their relationship will more likely survive. Good luck to both of them.
    Now, about porn.. well depends on how intense.. If they are obsessed, I find that very creepy and wouldnt feel comfortable, but lets just face the facts, men like playboy and looking at women. If they do it here and there, and join their friends to the strip club just to have fun for a few hours. no biggie, its a guy thing, but if they are looking at it everyday and their main focus is that.. well.. I wouldnt trust them.
    And about the rental thing..Instead of making it sound like marriage should be a trial period.. I guess, I just thought that was the point of being engaged, etc. I mean, live like you are married for a couple years to see if you can get along once you move in with each other. I know this is against some peoples beliefs, but I just think its better then people getting married, finding out they are incompatible and then divorcing. but to each their own. Again, there has to be compromise. If you try it out before you get married, well then when you marry the only difference is that piece of paper.
    Good luck to everyone!

  164. To those who think marriage is women’s way of trapping men:
    I’m pretty sure the marriage thing was invented by men who want to make sure they’re not raising some other man’s spawn. I mean, it’s highly unlikely that in ancient times – when only men were considered people and women were only their property – a bunch of women got together and created a way to trap men against their will. Seriously, people. I’m not big on marriage, either, but to say it’s a woman-made trap is ridiculous.
    To the person who mentioned multiple spouses in other cultures:
    Sure, China used to allow multiple wives, but these women were essentially the men’s property for life, and the expectation was that the more wives there are, the more likely they’d give the men the all-important male heirs. And the punishment for “adultery” (which could be so much as just touching or being alone with the opposite sex non-spouse for too long) was being stuck in a bamboo cage and drowned. Some men fantasize about going back to the times of multiple wives, but the reality is, the rules were much more rigid in that society. I don’t think they’d like it at all if they have to live it for real. Imagine having to marry every person you were ever romantically involved with. Having to fully support them all (and all the resulting children) financially and deal with all of them living together and making lots of trouble in the household with their various power struggles. Fun? Nah. An awful lot of responsibility? Yes.
    To all the “biological drive” people:
    If you truly believe you can’t live without shagging everything in sight, don’t keep it a secret. Go ahead and tell everyone. Make it a conversation starter on the first date. Come on! Have the courage of your convictions. You’re more likely to find like-minded people to fool around with – no harm, no foul. None of that “but I thought it would be just the two of us!” mismatch. Wouldn’t that be much more easy and fun for everyone? Now let’s talk about why some of you are married to people you have to deceive. Did these spouses force you to misrepresent yourself as someone who wants only them for the rest of your life?
    Just because it’s your nature doesn’t mean it’s true for everyone – so what’s with the remarks to the tune of “our way is the way it should be and the rest of you are frigid religious freaks”? What? Is no one allowed to be monogamous or want monogamy just because you don’t want it? Who’s imposing their views on other people now?
    You don’t want people to force monogamy on you? Okay. But fair’s fair, you don’t get to force polygamy on other people, either. Ooh… but it does force polygamy on monogamous people when you give someone the impression that you’re monogamous, and then cheat on them and expect them to suck it up.
    My dad is a cheater and I didn’t learn about it until I reached adulthood. I used to have complete trust in him. He told me he has a very good friend who happens to be a woman. I believed him. Hey, why the hell not, I have platonic friends of the opposite sex. I even went against my gut and believed him when he told me it doesn’t mean anything that I saw him going into the master bedroom with another woman. He was just going to show her his photo albums! Oookay. Then it was just lie after lie until my trust was shattered and I could no longer deny what I knew. This experience made me swear off romantic relationships. Your cheating may not change your kids’ lives to this degree, but if you think it’ll never affect them, and no one will ever know, you’re kidding yourselves.
    I know it’s not only men, either. The woman my dad is seeing now is married. With adult children older than I am. Even with this glaring fact, he’s still under the mistaken impression that cheating is a “manly” thing.
    It’s not always about physical attractiveness. A lot of people think my mother is my sister. I’ve seen her reject other men who come on to her. This woman my dad is seeing looks, well… “rode hard and put away wet”. I hate the “men are studs and women are sluts” stereotype, but there’s no better description for this particular woman. I do see where the attraction is. She is an expert at stroking ego and being a sycophant. She was full of flattery for me when my dad and I were tight, and later she did a 180 and bitched me out when she could see that my dad and I were clearly at an impasse (Subtly pushing the idea that I’m his enemy and she’s his best ally. Nice, huh?). If my dad ever tells her she could use a facelift, I’m sure she’d keep smiling that “Joker from Batman” smile and agree with him. How very natural and not at all artificial, eh?
    My mother may have neglected my father to raise me and my brother, especially because my brother is autistic. Of course, when mom is more attentive to dad now, he just gets all paranoid, wondering what she wants from him now, and thinking she’s not “giving him space” and is trying to “control” him into not seeing this other woman. He’s so focused on keeping his relationship with joker-face woman, it’s making him treat mom and I with suspicion. As if we are enemies, and joker-face his only ally. By all rights it should be the other way around, with him making efforts to keep our family intact and viewing the ever manipulative joker-face with suspicion. His piorities are so screwed up. Even Bill still knows his family is more important than the side flings. (Although, I think my dad was where Bill is now five years ago. They’re bound to find out someday, Bill, especially if you keep doing it. If they ever confront you about it, I hope you never treat them like your enemies and accuse them of trying to keep you from being happy, not giving you space, and being controlling. Or tell them it’s none of their business. I would have to reach across the internet and smack you if you do any of that. Be aware that you might be on a slippery slope towards this kind of behavior.)
    I think I can find it in my heart to forgive my father if he clears his head, find some self-control and realize what this woman really is. That would even help me regain my faith in the concept of love and my lost respect for my father. But the hurt is deepening all the time, and if nothing changes, I’ll one day probably just give up and say “fuck it, I’ll just pretend I have no father”, then run off to be a bitter hermit.
    For the record, I don’t believe there is a god. I don’t care what people consider “normal”. I don’t care what the majority of people do. I don’t care what any religion dictates. What makes a real difference to me is my father letting a two-faced bitch tell me how “immature” I am for not accepting what she and my father are doing as “perfectly normal”. My father spending money on said two-faced bitch when he should be making sure my autistic brother has the best resources money can buy. On top of it all, what absolutely kills me is seeing my mother cry.
    P.P.S. vStar is my new hero. The part about the kids is spot-on.

  165. I think men and women cheat when their emotional needs are not being met. Communication is key and the foundation for a strong relationship. But when a husband or wife simply refuses to tell the other what is wrong in the marriage and just selfishly go after someone else so they can get a feel good fix, is wrong, morally wrong. Marriages are hard work. If you need something ask. Seek help. Work as hard as you can to save the marriage and honor your vows. If you truly try as hard as you can and it does not work, then it does not work. But never, ever just turn to an outsider to fill an empty void in your heart when you should be turning to your spouse for them to fill that void. Then if you do, you are just selfish, cruel, mean, a liar and there is never any justification for your actions. You can fool yourself, but not God, not your spouse, not your children, not your family, relatives, friends, not the world. And the grass is never greener on the other side. To be lazy and just walk away from your vows says what kind of person you truly are. A quitter, not a fighter. And no one wants a quitter. Peace, and love.

  166. Beautiful Nina! Couldn’t have said it better myself.
    I am not going to impose the righteous “You should repent or die in darkness line,” but I am not going to make the biological urge excuse that cheaters tout either. I have a PhD in biology, so I understand the evolutionary basis behind the urge to cheat. The basic issue with cheating is that you have betrayed someone’s trust that you could have potentially been building for years. You are their stronghold, their support–someone you know can be counted on. Cheating runs so much deeper than an oops, it was just an urge. As a woman, I have strong urges…but I evaluate the consequences–so, I don’t attack that sexy co-worker in a dark corner. What is SOOO puzzling to me is why in the world, knowing you have this so-called biological “right”-as someone put it- to have sex with as many women as you want, do you bother to get married and make a promise you are bound to break? How selfish is that. You who have these views should be banned from marriage to protect the innocent. You have reduced humans to idiots who only act on their urges and have absolutely no decision-making capabilities. Surely, there are those that just have an odd urge to steal and kill and humans are vulnerable to form addictions….this is a test of our selfishness. Do you think it is ok for an alcoholic to beat his wife or a cocaine addict to spend all the family’s resources to fix that next “urge”? You are classified similarly to those people.
    Many friends and myself have been betrayed by significant others at different points. Each of us has gone through literally years of anguish, anti-depressants, and thoughts of giving up on life due to just one person’s actions. I was worried that one friend would become suicidal–all over a guy! I think for me, it was the deceit that did it–I began to lose hope in humanity because the person I had most trusted and loved had betrayed me. Even strong, confident women are torn down and begin to question themselves and their value over this mere act. If he had let me go first, it would never have affected me this way and I would be healthier now.
    I have also been the other woman–probably because I was in this mind-set. (believe me–this is no excuse and I have none to offer!) It was a short affair. He pursued me for a long time until he wore me down. He is a young father/husband. Even after so many talks I still don’t think he realizes how much he hurt both his wife and me. Now a lovely woman that I admired hates me over a silly fling. A year and a half later, after all the “I’m sorries”…I still have to see her and that look in her eyes remains. He wonders why she seems so unforgiving. He has no burden. He shrugged it off in a simple “I’m sorry” and moved on..passing the burden on to us..she from the betrayal… I carry all the guilt. For him it has passed and he just doesn’t understand why she can’t let it go!!
    The baby suffers now, because after this time, I can see from the outset that the marriage cannot last..because he periodically makes advances to me…which I am strong enough to refuse now! She will probably have a mother and father in two states. There were weaknesses in the marriage before, and from talking to him, it was an obvious breakdown in COMMUNICATION. Instead of addressing these problems, he went looking for an easy out..a quick fix, if you will. It was so obvious that he was not open to working on things. Affairs can certainly swing the pendulum past the breaking point. I see my mistakes and I don’t plan on repeating them, but I don’t understand why he continues to try and try to hurt both us for a little “fun’ as he calls it.
    The problem with these primitive types is that they just do not see, nor care about, the consequences to others for their actions. Hopefully you can see how my actions and others’ actions have led to very negative ends.
    I would suggest that you do not get married unless you truly love your partner and are capable of keeping a promise. What is the point otherwise?

  167. Nadia – Exactly, what is the point of getting married if you are not ready for the committment or staying marriage if you are going to stray and are unhappy. Like you said, if they (the cheating ones-man or woman) would just end the marriage (that committment) and then move on, it would hurt I am sure, but not to the same extent as betrayal.
    I have never been the cheater, but I have been cheated on and even after almost a year, I have forgiven and try to see why it happened, but then I sometimes get more upset and think maybe its not worth the effort of always wondering why. I can’t forget, and I have anomosity for the fact that I was doing it all, and if he would have just put the effort into his kids and marriage rather then in an affair, I just get irritated knowing that while I was stressed and asking for help, trying to tell him things that the kids said like “daddy doesnt love me”, “daddy doesnt spend time with me”, etc, etc, trying to get him to be more involved with his kids instead of them being an inconvenience to him, trying to make him see how much they needed an involved, loving father. Instead, he runs off acting like everyone is trying to critize him and has an affair. He had enough to put effort into that. I am still hoping that I can get over those thoughts and get through it, but yeah, sometimes I want to say screw it and just move on. I get hit on, but I know how to say no and control myself. He was that way afterwards, just thought it was the biggest mistake of his life, doesnt even know what he was thinking, just wants it over, done with, but as I have told him, its not that easy, HE WAS NOT THE ONE CHEATED ON!! I dont trust him like I did and I cant rely on him. Thats the way it is until my mind is at ease and it will never be how it was.
    I am just told by those who have been through this that it takes time, just give it time and for now thats what i am doing.

  168. I must say that any ANIMAL can fornicate…so if you want to act like any beast of the field…go ahead..but that is all you will be…an animal…not a thinking, reasoning, responsible human being…

  169. Antny – there is no need to attack me and call me a moron. You seem to be the most bitter of all (were YOU cheated on? I certainly have NOT been cheated on anytime in the last 10 years or so and have not been seriously burned by any man in the last 15 years or so. Moreover, given the offers I receive from men I am certainly not fat or ugly. I love how people “yell” at people on the internet who are more products of their imaginations than anything related to reality).
    All I can say is that I have OBSERVED the women in my family and other women (not to mention my own upbringing) and it is clear that women are taught to be selfless. I have also been encouraged to be “nice” and “ladylike” which usually means putting aside what I want in favor of servicing someone else and then teh shit I get from peoeple for refusing to do so.
    It could be from how you write (“load of malarky” “shite” and “dreadful”. My people don’t normally use these words) that we are living in different countries and dealing with slightly different cultures.
    Now people in general tend to be selfish and sometimes people act on this selfishness male or female. But women are socialized to squelch their selfish impulses and feel more guilty when they give into those impulses. Meanwhile, Nadia’s example is an example of how men will do selfish things that hurt people then “just get over it” snd shrug it off and then not understand why others can’t get over it.
    At the end of the day, all I am saying is that women should get past any traditional messages in their upbringing that encourage them to be more self sacrifocing than necessary and embrace and own their innate selfishness. I think Ayn Rand had something to say about this (though more generally, not so much about relationships but I would think it caries over).

  170. I’ve been married for 13 years with two young daughters. I recently saw changes in my husband’s behavior. He started going out more after work, constantly texting on his cell phone. When his cell would ring he would jump to get it. He kept telling me it was a co-worker and it had to do with work. I questioned him about cheating, but he denied it. I needed answers and hard proof that my gut feelings were true and I wasn’t making it up. I ended up hiring a private detective agency. Well, to make a long story short, they caught him with another woman in a romantic relationship. Now I have pictures, video and a detailed report of everything that happened. To see his face drop was PRICELESS!!! It was such a good feeling to have physical evidence in my hands that he could NOT deny.

  171. You can’t classify cheating into trustworthy or not trustworthy people because their are too many different scenarios involved.
    What if your spouse has no sex drive and you are living in a sexless marriage, yet, you know it will mean giving up your whole way of life to leave?

  172. “Why do so many men cheat on their spouses?”
    It is simple, they have a selfish sense of entitlement. People (men AND women) will rationalize in their own minds that it is ok or even the right thing to do to cheat.
    It NEVER is the right thing to do. Do not get married if you can’t handle monogomy.
    I am not religious at all, however I do believe that you should pick a partner (spend time to pick well BEFORE you get married)& then go through life supporting each other. Keep your expectations realistic. Don’t expect your Spouse to “make you happy”. Like they say for better or worse.
    If you cheat on your spouse then you are really disrespecting yourself.

  173. These comments are interesting on this subject and I would love to hear how the righteous deal with other moral dillemas in thier lives. Watch how you judge.Your life is not over.

  174. My son, 23 years old, said that he wants to detach from all of his family. He lives with us but doesn’t speak to any of us. When I try to talk to him, he doesn’t respond. He said that he justs wants to leave and start over somewhere. He bought a travel-trailer and I know that one morning, he will be gone. He says that he doesn’t love anyone. He said that he’s sick and tired of all of the small talk. He doesn’t seem to care about much. It’s like living with a ghost. When I try to talk to him, he justs sits there and doesn’t reply…he acts as if I weren’t even there. I don’t know what to do. He won’t get any help. He’s been to the doctor and they wanted to put him on some “medicene” but he said that until the dr. can proove, through blood work, that he needs the medication, he won’t be taking it. I don’t blame him for that but I just want to have our old relationship back. I always thought were were very close and now; well I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions out there?

  175. I think alot of you are a little confused. For one, it is wrong to cheat, lie, steal, I could go on and on about that, but most everyone has heard of the 10 commandments. I don’t understand why men and women cheat, but throughout history it has been this way. Men married 40 different wives and nothing was wrong with it because society accepted it. How it changed can only be through time, but then there was no jealousy and anger over it because it was acceptable. It is not acceptable now due to all the diseases, unwanted children. I don’t understand why people feel the need to stray, when you work so hard to build a solid future and someone can tear it down that fast over sex. I believe people have turned sex into a very sinful thing. That was not the plan, sex was made to procreate and that is it. Sex is good, love is good, but when you can find both with one person, you have found the ultimate sacrifice. I believe the world gets the words confused and most people are married due to physical attraction, people fail to build there foundation of friendship first, and I believe this to be why people stray!

  176. Hi, People please don’t judge me because I once felt the same way you all do and still do. It was always my rule never to get involved with a married man or with a man who was in a commited relationship. Well in this case I did not know the man i had fell in love with was married. He has been married for 3 years and me and him has been together for 2 years. Crazy huh! Well what makes a man cheat on his wife with the same woman for 2 years straight. Plus he want to have children with me and not his wife. Now I can understand a married man wanting a one night stand with some other woman or maybe a couple of nights with another woman other than his wife but a 2 year relationship. I will never understand men. The wife do know about me and she don’t want him to cheat on her, but she keep finding out about us because he spends the night with me and take me out in public as if we are in a real boyfriend girlfriend relationship. So she hears from other people about us. I know it’s wrong and I pray about it all the time but it is hard to leave someone along when you are in love with them, just like she can’t leave him alone even though she know her husband is still being with me. So do anyone have any comments on this one. Why would a man cheat on his wife with the same woman for several years. You would think he would just have a one night stand or maybe a few nights with the same woman, not years.

  177. Hi, everyone one more thing. When I found out the man i fell in love with was married, I asked him why? He told me that the connection he felt with me when he met me was unreal and he never had that type of connection before with any woman and that he fell in love with me and don’t want to let me go. He also said that he don’t love his wife, that he likes her alot and the reason why he is still with her and married her is because its convient for him in many ways and that she can do something that no other woman can do. Talking about confusing the hech out of me, but i also understand now that it could be all lies because he lied to me about being single and is lying to her about not being with me when he is every day.

  178. I thank you all for your comments and for this site. Reading through these testimonials has given me the courage to end an affair I was having with a married man. I am married too, and I can give you 1,000 reasons I had for starting the affair. But there was only one reason I ended it. It’s wrong, plain and simple. While I am reevaluating my marriage, I’m doing it solely on it’s own merits and not because I’m invovled with someone else. No one wins when there is an affair. Ever.

  179. Molly-I am glad to hear that. I think you should make a choice on how you feel. Even if you decided not to stop seeing the other man, then leave your husband. and if he is serious about you then he will leave his wife. I just see too many people get hurt because of affairs. Including the cheaters:-(

  180. I’m speaking to you as a wife who is currently struggling with the fact my husband of 19 years chose to cheat. Trust me when I say that it wasn’t a Jolie at his door. She’s 150 lbs. heavier than me, and absolutly f-ugly. So why? I love to make love to my husband. In fact he complains that I want it to much and he needs his rest. No problem. I’m always ready when he is. He claims that she set her eyes on him form day one, (they both started a new job and were in the same training together)she told him she was determained to have him. Day two of week two she had him. I’m with the children a 1000 miles away packing up the house to move once he finds a place. Instead he spends his time following this woman around like a love sick teenager. He claims that she had to have druged him, that he was confused and repulsed by this woman yet he could not let go. She openning fondled him at work and constantly suggested that they have a three sun with the other men at work. This is a woman that claims that she will never leave her husband and kids. Not that she loves them but she’s Cathlic and it would not be right. So why did he allow this to happen? This wasn’t the first time he was away from the family nor was it the first time a woman pursued him, maybe one of the uglist. He continues to say that the sex only happened twice but the emotional relationship continued for months. I’m told by my husband that I should be glade that he was able to walk away from the physical aspect of the relationship even though to this day he still wants to have sex with her and asks me to duplicate everything that she did to him and I am to allow him to have sex with me as he did with her. Explain this one. I can’t.

  181. To Tammy: Are we monsters? Yes, Tammy to the one who you tore the heart out of justifying your selfish actions that feeling like someon dragging a razor blade over an open heart, yes, you are. I hate to be so blunt, but selfish actions like yours deserve no better. I am doing the kindest thing in the world by being tough with you. Don’t rationalize your actions. That women your are betraying is yourself in another scenario. Now when you have given your heart to a man, leaving yourself open with no defenses left and a woman does to you what you are doing to this woman, this wife who deserves to be able to sleep soundly at night in trust, I know you will feel the same way when she says the same crass, cruel, insensitive comments you have made to this honorable woman you have betrayed. Personally, I wish it was a crime and you did the time. You don’t seem to be able to stop yourself any other way. As to the man, I simply have no respect for him. If you wish to repent (that means stopping what you are doing, and leaving him alone to his rightful wife), then you have my forgiveness. If you wish to persist in your sin, I can’t do anything for you. I will pray that God corrects you so that you, too, do not lose out on eternal life and that you receive forgiveness…and most of all you seek it out from those you have wronged. Ask God for compassion, you seem to have none for those whom you have devastated.

  182. tell me then what does a man do who loves his wife who after the birth of their 2 children slowly withdrew over the years from wanting sex, until
    one day he came home from work to find he had been kicked out of the bedroom into one of the childrens rooms to sleep, he still remains there after 16 years does he not have needs to ? should he be expected to remain faithfull and go without
    relief for his sexual needs just because his wife is not longer interested in him, as long as he keeps providing a roof over her head and money to live by Damn his needs ?

  183. I have found out my husband of 15 years has cheated on me. He’s been sleeping with many women, including prositutes and women met in business, but there were no long term relationships. I asked for a divorce, but he told me that those were just games and he would stop it.
    I have gone through the whole thread, but cannot find a single man who had cheated and recieved forgiveness from his wife did finally remain true to her afterwards. (One man did cheat and felt sorry, but his wife left him, so nobody knows what the outcome will be if she stayed behind). I really need to know whether I should give another chance to my husband? Please, if such a man exist, send me a word of encourgement.
    I am devastated, but I love him, yet I can never accept him to betray me.

  184. Michelle – I am in your position, I am staying for now, but worried that he could do it again. He really seems honest and I think that his cheating and almost losing everything really opened his eyes, but is that just an act. I mean, I guess we wont know and it really depends on how sorry your husband is? Mine was selfish, it was all about him, I was fed up, we had issues, someone gave him the attention when I wasnt. When it came down to actually facing reality, he just became a different person. Now, he is more involved with family, he says its all about me and the kids and if were happy, etc. Although, he does need to be happy too. Does he really truley remorseful? Go with your heart and your gut is all I can say. I do think some men wont do it again, but there are others that would. I really believe its based on each individual person. Good Luck, maybe someone else will post a good response to this. I think its possible..

  185. dmg
    Thanks for your response. I am still staying with my husband now. Similar to your case, it seems that he really wants to make it up and be faithful. Hope I am the lucky one and you are too.

  186. WEll having gone through this and i am not fat or denyied my partner of sex or ignored me or had any problems in the marriage but his lies and infidelity i even confronted the ow and the poor sad thing had the nerve to say to my face that she still thought he was a nice guy……you really think a nice guy calls his wife and tells her that his car broke down and waiting for a tow truck but fails to tell me he was done work at 3 in the afternoon , this i found out from his boss and i didn’t confront him till i found out from ppl he was telling them we were having problems and that we had been seperated and he wanted to marry this woman that he’d been sneaking around with……..so cut the bs and trying to understand the selfishness and the insecurities of a cheater cause a leopard never changes it’s spots and sooner or later the other woman that becomes the wife will endure the same pain.Mine left for a fat chick who is chemically imbalanced and gave him herpes haha!And i have a high sex drive, bathed him did all the home renovations and cleaning and raised our two children…..and i never got fat or let myself go.I am 110lbs, long curly hair, mocha skin and italian decent, 36 b firm chest and i work out daily…..so don’t kid yourself all though they leave you and blame the unhappy marriage and crapit’s not you it’s the cheater and your better off without him/her….and come on if you really loved her you’d set her free and not force her to live your deception and lies and she/he is probably just as unhappy as the cheater claims to be.The cheater is unhappy cause he knows if caught he or she will have to choose and if caught lying he/she knows the marriage will suffer so well they leave for the so called happier life bt like the fantasy of the affair so is the fantasy that the other woman is a god sent and better person for a relationship.It’s a flaw in design that goes back to creation….like any great artist they create many drafts before their master piece ..same as god he made man and realized what he lacked and created woman to teach him and share their strengths however that as most things had the best intentions but was too good to be true.You can never truly understand a cheater until you’ve been one and you can never understand the betrayed until you have been in their shoes.

  187. I have been married for 10 years. I love my wife and do not want anyone else “emotionally”, but all I can think about is sex with other women–I mean that is all I think about all day every day.
    I have been faithful to her for 10 years, but I fear that is about to change because I feel like I am dead already if I can never touch another beautiful woman. I just love everything about women, smell, taste, hair etc. This might sound sick, but pornography has been the fabric that has kept our marriage together for 10 years–I pleasure myself constantly with it, and sex with my wife is like eating breakfast–a chore. I feel that if I can never touch a woman again I might as well kill myself–really you can’t imagine how depressing it is to be in your 30’s, very well endowed, and feel this way. To make matters worse, I have only had aqbout 5 sex partners my whole life, so I feel like I am missing out big time. The only thing holding me back is my conscience–I just know that if I have an affair I will probably spill the beans to my wife–since I hate dishonesty. Otherwise I would have cheated long ago. The problem is lately I have been putting myself in situations where I might meet other women, and I am scared that at the first opportunity I won’t be able to hold back one bit.
    I feel like I am fucked! I need to cheat, I have to cheat. I wish I could roll around with 4 women at a time–it is sick, sick! I am serious, what the hell do I do?

  188. Those men are fooling around with , most of the time, women, many who are married. It’s not just men…and it’s amazing how your article obscures the fact that it takes two to tangle (adam and eve) while promoting the myth that women don’t have the same drives as men (remember Joseph and the Queen and what she did to him when he rebuffed her?). Talk about abuse of power in the name of illicit relations.
    Part of the problem is the way we glorify this shameful state of affairs while we are pretending to lament about it.

  189. Men cheat because women are cutthroat beings who don’t look for each other’s back. I said it! Yes, I did! It is the woman who decides if a relationship will start. I have received many offers from married men telling me things like, “My wife is a bitch,” “My wife doesn’t understand me,” “We’ve fallen apart,” yada, yada, yada. I’ve heard all the excuses in the book. I tell them flat out, if you’re not happy, leave! One guy has been married for 30 years, his kids are 25 and 27 respectfully, and hits on me all the time. I told him, forget it! If you’re not happy, have some cojones, be honest, and leave — don’t drag someone else into the mix. Simple, Sweet, and to the point. I always put myself in the position of the girlfriend, fiancee, or wife and try to emphatize and think of how I would feel if I were in their shoes.
    I have seen too many people in my family hurt due to infidelity, sometimes from their “so-called” best friend. Even after they have “forgiven” their husbands or significant others, their eyes are filled with a pain that is evident for the rest of their lives. Sometimes, I have seen retired couples living unhappy, miserable lives. Why? Because now both people are home tolerating each other and past infidelities come to the surface. Arguments can be triggered by something simple, like a soap opera, a simple conversation, and the gunnysacking begins.
    My sisters, before you decide to get involved with someone who is not yours, please think about how would you feel in that person’s shoes. Are you afraid of being alone or so desperate that you are willing to lose your integrity for someone who is not worth it. If a committed man who approaches you is truly a good man, and you really care about him, then tell him to try and work it out. He may be insistent, but as a woman, it is up to you to maintain your ground. It’s so much more fun to be with a single man! Why put yourself in second place — please! If women would look out for each other, infidelity would not exist in Webster’s dictionary, or in life. I have been tempted many times, but when I think of the headaches, I say, later!

  190. To all of those women that have been cheated on and their husbands beg them for their forgiveness, I am so jealous of you. I would kill to be in your position. Unfortunetly I am not even that lucky. This is my story. I have been with my husband for a total of five years. He has been my everything. He has been my family, my love, my life, my sense of meaning in the world. I don’t really even know how to live without his support. About a year ago I found a text message on my husband’s phone that said good morining baby, have a good day at work, give a kiss to the baby for me, I love you. What the hell!! I couldn’t believe it. She even involved my baby! He initially denied it and then later admitted it acting like it was almost no big deal. We worked through it somehow and I began trusting him again even though he went out to the clubs every weekend coming home no earlier than 3Am. He was often gone during the week after work and if he stayed home it was almost like I was begging him. But even though I guess he knew that we were at a difficult place and it alwasys seemed like he was getting annoyed by me, I assumed it was because of our great finatial problems. I looked at the phone records one month really for no paricular reason and it was that little slut’s phone number once again blown up for pages and pages on our phone records. I called him when he was ofcourse at the club when i foud out and he didn’t even come home right away. Again got home at3AM. He took his dear sweet time and when he came home he didn’t even go in the room to try to give me a greater understanding or beg for my forgiveness. He stayed out on the couch while I cried all night. That was the first signal that I wasn’t worth him fighting for. Since then I have found a few text messages between them where she calls him babe and I love you so much. He would still deny his involvement saying it was all her and he felt bad for her he didn’t know how to end things. Then I saw the messages he had sent, Happy Birthday my love, and you know I cazy love you girl. They are so romantic together he has never even been that sweet to me. I still can’t rap my brain around all of this. He says he doesn’t want to be with me suddendly. I can’t believe this. No matter what our problems were I thought that the foundation of who were are was stong enough that nothing and no one could break it apart. I can’t believe how wrong I was. My whole life I always pictured that if I were to get cheated on the man would no matter what be begging for my forgiveness because he would love me and never want to lose me. That is how special I thought I was. I have stood by my husband through everything and loved him with all my heart. I am beautiful, sensitive and compassionate. I have been a good wife and a great mother. Who would take me not only so for granted but actually chose not to be with me altogeter. He keeps saying we had all types of communication problems and a lack of emotional connection which really was all on his part because I was always open and honest and he chose never to open up. When he was always in a bad mood he blamed it on anxiety due to finational stress and repressed childhood issues that have suddenly crept up on his memory. He is still living at our house because he loves our daughter and I have no way to pay any bills at this point, not because he loves or wants to stay with me. He says he doesn’t want to be with anyone yet while he won’t have sex with me for guilt reasons apparently, he won’t be close to me in any way, still finds reasons to leave and I know he still talks all the time to that women and whatever else he does with her. He denies her being anything special. Yet how can I believe that when it’s been over a year that they have been talking like they are so in love and act as if I am the other crazy obsessive women. Sorry for going on and on so long. My question to the men is, based on all of this is there a chance for us or is it he is just so guilt ridden right now that he doesn’t know how to let down his guard and be with me again. He says that he doesn’t want to be with me or anyone because he wants to pursue his dreams and find out the missing void that has been inside of him his whole life. Why can’t he do all of this while still being with me? He wants his freedom and to be able to fuck other women. So is all that a lie or exuse to be with this women or does it sound like the truth? I need insight on the situation. If you ask me why I would want him anyway, the answer is, I love him too much to let him go without a fight.

  191. My husband cheated on me with a complete dog. I don’t know what made me feel worse, the fact that he cheated on me or the fact that she was so unattractive, and this is not the rantings of a jealous wife. I am a very nice and fair person. I found her picture on a triathlon website and thought I was going to pass out when I saw how she looked, very unattractive. I searched her again a few months later, thinking that maybe it was just a bad picture on another website and it was even worse. We have always had a great relationship. The only reason he gave me was that he was intoxicated but the only reason that I can come up with is this: He was laid off from a great job and was doing contract work for the govt( this is how he met her). I had a very lucrative position with a financial company in Manhattan and had just recieved a huge advance. Here he had been trying to get a job for months and 15 minutes after I requested the advance, they gave it to me. Six months later, I got a 10,000 Christmas bonus and two weeks later, her number was on the cell phone bill. No minutes were used , so he did not speak with her but he called. I think the fact that I had this great job made him feel inferior, even though I DID NOT FOR A MINUTE THROW IT IN HIS FACE. I always try to behave very graciously in all situations. This time I made a complete fool out of myself. I had just miscarried twins, ( we lost two babies at 6 months three and four years ago) and he was out of town, had to have the DNC alone and drive home from the hospital alone so I was a little nuts to say the least. I had known about the bill for a few weeks and had used restraint in mentioning it to see what happened next. But anyway, I called her and acted like a nut, I hate it that I did that but I just could not and cannot get over the fact that he hooked up with her considering the fact that she is heavier than me to say the least and unlike me , she did not get a college scholarship from being a beauty queen. I am very , very nice on top of that so it really drives me nuts. It is embarassing that he would do this, it is such a betrayal to our marriage and she , I am sure, thinks that she has the upper hand even though they will never see each other again and that really gets me. I really wish I had handled this differently. So my advice to all the wives, DO NOT LET HER SEE YOU SWEAT and no matter how great the marriage is, it seems like they always cheat if they get the chance. I read somewhere it is in their makeup because it releases some endmorphins in a mans; brain to get away with something. I just hope for your sake that the woman is prettier because it is horrible knowing that she is not only a slut who has no respect for herself or women in general or marriage but that you utterly and completely blow her out of the water, inside and out!!!!

  192. Here’s another perspective: Some years ago now, I introduced a friend of mine to one of my nieces.They really hit it off.They lived together for three years and then seven months ago,were married-with me as best man.Lovely. Then it all goes pear shaped. Shes just discovered his secret,and he’s admitted to cheating on her.And she’s out of there. No fooling around trying to “help” him.Thats the best thing she could do for both herself and him.He needs a major league wake up call.She is going to find life is tough for a while but with the love and support of her family and friends ,she has the strength to get on with her life.I’d never have suspected he was cheating on my niece , and I feel seriously betrayed by him for what he’s done.And as far as our relationship is concerned business and friendship ,I’d have to say it’s over. You mess with my family ,you’re out.My wife and I have had many a disagreement over the years,but it has never been serious or violent or extramarital.

  193. That is terrible. I am sorry that happened to your niece but I am happy that you are so supportive. I cannpt even bring myself to tell anyone in my family. They would probably relish the idea of a flaw in our relationship. As prententious as I may have sounded in my earlier post ( remember a woman scorned)I am deeply hurt and saddened by the whole incedent and I guess the fact that when I spoke with the girl, she said that SHE was hurt by him, never an apology to the wife for sleeping with her husband or anything. I think that I may have even apologized to her. ( Kinda like apologizing to the cop when he writes you a 200.00 ticket for speeding) Anyway,It would have been great to have a loving support group to crawl into in a fetal position for a while but that just was not available as we are the ones that they think are perfect and my experience with other pitfalls in life ie getting laid off from my dream job, having to move to another state ect, they have behaved like vipers, which is heartbreaking in itself. So, please , pat yourself on the back for being such a super uncle. I am sure it makes this chapter of her life much easier to deal with. Actually, I have to go to a job interview near the Metro area she lives in and it will be all I can do not to drive by her house. I know that is a little juvenile. I do not anticipate or want any interaction at all but this whole thing with her looks is driving me a little nuts and I wonder if she really looks that bad in person. Obviously from her reaction to me, ie not even apologizing, she is already ugly on the inside but I mean this man has been my or so I thought, my best friend and almost my whole life for 13 years and I am just curious who this person is that swayed him, even for a moment. Again, I do not want confrontation, maybe just a peek, like at the zoo but I probably will not have the nerve. She was in the Army for Christmas sakes and if I ran into her, she could probably kick my butt easily.

  194. I would not choose to do business with a cheater either. The man committing adultery, and abandoning his family for his “new love”, is breaking a solemn vow that he made in front of God, family, and community. He is also breaking a legal contract, and taking his financial contribution away from the family. He is taking his time, energy, and commitment from the family. Companies have non-compete clauses, and other protections like that. A family deserves at least that much. Courts don’t protect families, and don’t enforce a marriage contract.
    For anyone who wants to avoid hurting the children, adultery is incredibly hurtful to children. The shame, the pain, the abandonment, the shock that the parent could do something so damaging to the family, could betray the other parent, to betray the vows for a religious family, to betray the commitment for a spiritual family – it is shocking and very hurtful to kids. They may not be told, but they’ll feel the pain anyway. They may hear things around the community or family, or they may figure it out when the other person appears suddenly. They will most likely learn by adulthood, and it will only confirm what they felt.
    A man who could abandon his family, commit adultery, blame it on the faithful spouse, lie, and sneak, and be so blind as to imagine that it has nothing to do with the children – that is not a man I would want to be in business with.
    Yes, I had my heart broken by a man that I loved and supported for 16 years of marriage. Our son had his heartbroken. Our neighbors had their hearts broken. Our families had their hearts broken. We were all so shocked, so dismayed, so betrayed. So sad for his loss, so sad to see a family destroyed, another divorce. I’m no angel, and I’m no villain, I’m a normal working mom, loving wife, someone who is sweet and kind and loving, and who has periods of frustration and resentment over all of the normal things.
    To anyone cheating, please stop, and never tell your spouse. Spend the rest of your life treating them great to make up for it. If you are thinking about it, please don’t. Ask for a divorce if you must. But almost any marriage can be great. Don’t quit. It’s not your spouses job to make you happy, it’s your job. Work on yourself, and get as happy as you can, and then give as much love as you can. If you still can’t make your marriage work, go to counselling, preferably Imago Relationship Therapy. If you still can’t make your marriage work, then get divorced, and start a new relationship only after it’s completely over. You will have to carry the knowledge that you cheated the rest of your life. Please don’t put that negative, harmful energy into our world. You have to bring yourself to the next relationship, so work on yourself before you can be sure your spouse is the cause of the problems. Think about the end of your life – do you want to look back and see the strong family you built together, the hard times you weathered, the generations who are stronger and happier because they have an intact family, roots, stability, respect, happiness? You are the strength of the family, your wife needs you to be strong, to adore her, shower her with love, even when she is at her most unlovable, stressed, overwhelmed with the house, the kids, finances, etc. Break through to her heart with your strong unswerving love, and she will be the loving, sexy wife that you want, for your entire life.
    My heart is broken, and I have picked up the pieces and am building a new life, and I will be the rock and “home” for my son, my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren. My ex will be on the sidelines, and involved to some degree, but he will never be the rock that our son can count on forever. It is a terrible terrible loss, and something I never wanted for a man that I truly loved. I wanted good things for him, and the best thing for him was his wife, his family, his community, his integrity.

  195. Somewhere up there i read a comment saying men cheat coz its tough to handle temptation & also coz some one was being chased etc. What an everest load of CRAP, if you cannot stand by your vows & you cannot control your mind then u r WEAK. That is the most PATHETIC thing you can be. So stop dirtying the gene pool & remove yourself from it ASAP. Pls dont procreate.
    This might sound like a joke but i am dead serious. The world can do without this type of weakness.

  196. I can’t believe how huge this blog is. Apparently, there are not enough places for these guys to admit what they are doing.
    If they find so many reasons, rationals, excuses and justifications to have sex with someone other than their wife, why not just get divorced, which would be the honest thing to do? My guess – they want what both women have to offer, and they don’t want to “pay twice” for the perks of both relationships.
    To the men who say they can be trusted in business and not at home, they are lying to themselves. Cheats are cheats. I think the IRS should hunt down philanderers. They are sure to find lies (and cash) there, too.

  197. I certainly felt a lot beeter after making my thoughts known. My niece has moved home with her parents who are still not entirely aware of what has happened.They are nice people but maybe too sheltered from the outside world to be able to take the news at once.I found it utterly amazing that this guy thought he could do what he did and move on.I went around there to their house to help my niece move out ,and he was elsewhere…She showed me how she discovered the evidence that the slapper had left in their dresser.She was really just wanting to get out of there so much.
    He hadn’t even bothered to let his mother know ,and she’s also dumbstruck by his actions.It all looks set to get worse before it gets any better.

  198. Cheating is when you don’t let your spouse know. If after marriage you decide to have sex with other partners, then it is only fair to let your spouse know. My husband cheated on me and seems to think an “I’m sorry” makes it now okay. You know – I was wrong, but no one is perfect type of reaction. What is wrong, is that he didn’t tell me. He wanted it both ways. The unfairness is that for years I didn’t know. If he had told me, then it would have been my choice – to stay with him and work on our marriage, to leave him or to have an open marriage so that I too could have had other partners. I was not given that respect. If a cheating partner is not willing to tell his/her spouse, then there are selfish reasons: he wants it all for himself – he likes the thrill of lying – he likes the double life. Once you make a vow to someone – like a contract – it can not be revised by only one of those who signed. And you cheating men!!!! Don’t ever think that you are the sexier of the two sexes. It is not true – no way – you are lying to yourself if you think that you have a right to cheat on your wife because you are sexier – I guarantee you have one unsatisfied wife and you are not creative enough to satisfy someone over a long term relationship. Cowards cheat. Real men tell the truth.

  199. O.K. here I am a female married 10 years to the same man, we are muslim, I converted 4 years ago, he was always muslim, in june he decided he wanted a second wife and flew to dubai and married a philipino lady, who is very submissive. Asa muslim man he is allowed 4 wives, the profit peace be upon him said a man has to be equal in everything accept the heart, this no one can control, so he bought her a dress, and me too etc. I have to say I had an aweful marriage, fighting since he took this second wife, he is happier, treats me better then ever. Islam does not allow him to favor her financially, we have two children, if she wants children he cant deny her. He was in dubai two months, gave me freedom, now he is here and will leave again. If a man had four wives he had to financially support, he would get his needs met, most men need more sex then women and variety etc and if he treats all his wives equally, there is very little infidelity in these muslim countries, becuase men just take more wives.

  200. David that was nice of you to help her out. I am sure she is very heppy to have such a great uncle. I wish someone in my family would be that supportive. I am not leaving or anything, it would just be nice to have a shoulder to cry on. I think about it every day.

  201. The answer to “Why do men cheat?”: SELFISHNESS. Pure and simple. They put their own needs ahead of their loved ones. If my husband cheated on me or if I lost his trust, the marriage would be over. You can’t get past it. Same in business. When the going get tough, you best believe that the cheater will leave you to sink to save himself. For those saying that they can’t get satisfied by the same person day in and day out are doing something seriously wrong. There’s something to be said about knowing someone for 10 years and he knows you’re every nook and cranny and what do with them!

  202. I have a few friends that cheat on their significant others left and right, and while they love who they are with, sleeping with other people doesn’t seem to bother them. I’ve questioned their ethics, and according to them, sleeping with other women has no effect on how they feel about their spouses or girlfriends. It is simply about sex, nothing more, nothing less. Would they take a bullet for their wife? Of course. What about the blond with triple D’s they met at the bar? Absolutely not.
    And since when is it only males who cheat? I know far many more women that cheat than men, and although I have no statistics you would be surprised how unrelated gender is to determining cheating potential.
    If you want to sleep around, then sleep around. Just don’t get into a relationship.

  203. My world was turned upside down and inside out when I found out that my husband had an affair. I’ve known now for 3 weeks. When I allow myself to feel the hurt it is unbearable, and I actually had a fleeting moment of killing myself, and realized I would have to kill my 3 children as well – instead of leaving them motherless. Nothing makes sense in my life anymore, I’m not sure who I am, and I certainly don’t know who my husband is. I really thought he was a person of integrity, and now my view of him as a person is completely shattered. I’m not sure that I even like him.
    We are fotunate to be able to afford counseling, and we are trying to see if the marriage can be salvaged. I can recommend a book that has been helpful called After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring. At this point the affair has stopped and we are working towards a common goal of seeing if there is a future for us.
    I have a lot of respect for myself and I am determined to not let this destroy me. I will not stay in the marriage because of the kids, however because we have children I have to face the issues and not run away. If we were dating, or married without kids – I’d tell him to get the f* out of my life, I simply do not need this crap. BUT, there is a life lesson in all of this that I have to be open to.
    In the years prior to our affair, our marriage was so-so, sometimes bad, and occasionally good. Our sex life decreased over time with pregnancies, kids, but also because we grew apart. My husband equates sex with love, so when I’m not enthusiastic about sex, or not interested then he feels unloved. And I, like a lot of women need the emotional connection to feel desire for sex. And over the years we grew apart. It used to feel like it was him and I as a team against the world. He used to want to listen to me, want to spend time with me, want to be there for me emotionally. But we both dropped the ball, things got in the way like kids, work, moves, inlaw problems. So I accept 50% responsibility for the not so great marriage, as does he.
    And my husband, like many of these men in the postings gave up. He did research on sex sites trying to find out how to get me interested in sex – but never ONCE did he look for information on marriage.
    The key point is that he never asked himself “do I have anything to do with my wife’s lack of sexual desire”. As in “am I being the best husband that I can be?” Because really, if we had that emotional connection, and those feeling of togetherness, the warm fuzzy sexual feelings follow.
    Another really important point is that any sexual relationship has 3 components. Things you do because you like them, things you do because you both like them, and things you do because your partner likes them. I was less able to and less willing to do the things that only he likes when I felt so unloved and uncared for in the marriage. Some of the things that he likes do nothing for me, in that I find them a little weird. But the point is that he likes them, and a certain component of a healthy sex life is doing things to please your partner.
    But men, you can’t expect your wives to be your sexual playthings and fufill your wildest desires unless you are a fantastic husband.
    This particular affair was because he was feeling unloved, undesired, and unapreciated in the marriage. There was a lot of animosity between us because we were both feeling like the other person didn’t love us. It shows a lack of integrity that he handled it in this way – for sure, and we may never recover from it – so it was a very risky thing that he did. But (he claims) that all he ever wanted was for us to be happy in the relationship and sexually. He is the kind of guy (I think) that would be totally happy with his life partner in all regards. And that he would have been able to resist this woman better if we had been more together. Things had gotten so bad between us (before the affair) that the word divorce had come up in heated arguments.
    And now after the affair, a lot of the problems in our relationship are crystal clear, but it will take an enormous amount of work to get it back on track. He claims to be fully on board, and willing to examine himself as well as the relationship.
    A lot of wives would probably be willing to be the sexual partner that their husbands really desire IF they were fully satisfied wives. Romance, date nights, showing you care, REALLY listening, being empathetic, asking how her day was, really trying to understand who she is, having fun, trying to be the best husband you can possibly be.

  204. I sleeped with another women during my marriage. I will tell you why. The Act was selfish, But Selfish was not the motivator. And I am not placing blame, I am responsible for my actions. My wife gave birth to our first son. almost overnight it was like I did not matter. Nothing I said, Did. Nothing. I tried to be understanding. For a year we ma have had sex a half dozen times. None of them were meaningful. I tried to put my best foot forward and do the best I could to encourage her to be part of this marriage. She was polite to me, and caring….but up till the point of romance and intimacy. You see, biologically my wife got what she needed from me. I am talking very biologically. When she had a baby, I was no longer “needed”. Conciously my wfe did not think this. But she very much acted this way. And it’s not that she did not think I was attractive. I am fit, and have a good job. Biologically in me, the lack of my wifes affection, eventually turned into my work is done here. I did not know this conciously but I acted like this is what I was thinking. I was at a social function. Met a women, whom struck me as very good company. And I felt compelled to be with her. Now you see this is where I have problems. I tend to do the things I compelled to do, not the things I want to do. I want to be faithful to my wife. I am compelled to seek other women. My wife used to make me feel like a stud. She would tell me all the time about what a “man” I was. Women if you want to keep your mans attention…MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A MAN!!!

  205. After 16 yrs. of marriage, my husband cheated. Mine is a little different situation that anyones on here. It was an online affair. Nude pics were sent, but never anything sexual because she lives in another country. My point is that cheating isn’t just a matter of sharing physical intimacy. It’s a matter of sharing emotional intimacy, your heart…..your SOUL with another.
    Granted, we both did things to bring the marriage down but when someone makes a commitment, especially one of marital vows, then they should be “Man” enough to honor that commitment. (yes, this goes for women too) It is this kind of moral commitment that seperates SOME of us from the Animal Kingdom.
    If the problems are too big, then get out of your marriage before you cheat. That is the LOWEST thing anyone can do to another human being. Sometimes it comes down to that….being human, not an animal who cannot your own lust and desires.
    Cheating is an act of complete SELFISHNESS, not weakness. What it comes down to is PRINCIPALS, MORALS, and VALUES something humans beings DON’T share with dogs.

  206. Guys, any advice for a woman who is being chased by an alpha male in her office who is also married?
    Here’s the thing – he is always on the run. There is never a chance to confront him or simply say, “Stop!” without doing so in front of others.
    This woman’s female bosses are also threatened when higher level execs talk to her……so now the woman is not only being chased by someone who shouldn’t be chasing her, but, she’s likely to incur the wrath of her bosses should they pick up on the fact that this guy is giving her a lot of attention. That’s only the start. Female workers find it all too easy to freeze out the female co-worker getting special attention.
    How do you say “No thanks” without getting into trouble with the guy, the bosses or the co-workers? And don’t say to simply blow this guy’s cover. The lesser ranking female who blows the whistle will simply be eliminated. What’s the best way to handle this without blowing this woman’s career?

  207. The woman referring to the internet strikes me.
    Here’s a thought. Mankind is animalistic; we all have sexual desires. What separates us from the animals, however, is intellect and maturity of thought. That being said, it’s entirely fun to play online – meeting new people (via match.com, myspace, yahoo personals, whatever the flavor). It’s a fun exploration when single and disconnected. At certain ages, some will do things (especially with the rise of the internet) that they later look back on with lament. Others will not lament a moment, whether in a relationship or not. The internet is quite a dynamic source and can supplement and even replace personal intimacy, even in an existing physical relationship. Friendships are shared, which takes away from the person “at homeâ€?. It’s a factor that all contemporary relationships must either refute or embrace to whatever degree.
    Only those who are comfortable with themselves can handle being comfortable with ONE other person. Others need stimulation because they are uncomfortable with who they are. It’s a reflective process of purpose. Those with a purpose of settling down and enjoying life with someone, do. Those who are uncomfortable with themselves will never be satisfied.
    It’s all about the individual, not the spouse being cheated on in person or via the web. The web can be an enemy to the spouse who is devoted for certain. Unrefutedly, one thing can easily lead to another.
    Fidelity is a nice answer. It’s ideal these days. That is the goal that a mature thought process aims for, I would think. Those who care about others, care about themselves. Those who cannot, create a facade and hide behind it. In today’s day and age, fidelity is defined in many different ways by, shall we say, creative minds.
    Once knee-deep in a relationship, it’s not easy to kick it to the curb. If you stay, you will find your own release, perhaps through your own animalistic instincts. If you leave, you might find something better.

  208. Why should someone stay in a relationship that makes them miserable? Should i hang in there for the kids? Is it better to live un-happy for the rest of your life to be a daily fatherly figure in your childrens life, (when you un-happiness will surely rub off on them) or is it better to leave and be the weekend dad? i dont want to cheat on my wife, god knows ive had chances, so do i just call it quits and leave? weve been to counselers before, it doesnt seem to work, were just to different. to all of these self-proclaimed moraly perfect people—what is the best thing to do?

  209. Anne, the guy is probobly un-happy with his marrage, and is looking for a way out, or posibly a release and a weekend fling. he could be divorced before long and it will be fine for you to talk to him. it doesnt sound like his marrage will last much longer. you need to be clear on what he wants before you can decide what to do for yourself

  210. most importantly,you need to figure out what you want, it sound like you dig this guy, you just dont want to loose your job. i have found in life, thats every once in a while, you can have your cake and eat it too. just a little food for thought. and what abour this guys wife, she has to have had some kind of clue as to his mischievious behavior.

  211. Thanks, Bob. I don’t know what this guy’s problem is. All I know is that I’ve gone out of my way to avoid him and he just turns up the heat. At first, I didn’t realize that he was married – I just felt uncomfortable receiving that kind of attention from a person who has so much influence on myself and my bosses. Now that I know he’s married, I am doubly disappointed. I am planning to leave the company.
    I need to work with and for people who have integrity. I used to have a great deal of respect for him and thought he was doing an outstanding job. Now that he’s gone to the lengths he has to get my attention, and now that I know he’s married, I just feel sick to my stomach.

  212. I am 29, have been married for 6 years and have two children aged 5 and 7. I recently found out that my wife had been cheating on me and am deeply hurt.
    My upbringing has been of the old fashion sort and as such, marriage vows in my family are taken very seriously. My Father taught me that a man can never be anything greater than his word and ability to keep it, now I just feel (note that I am saying feel and not think – although this line of delineation is becoming more and more obscure as time passes) that there is no point in being faithful when this does not guarantee that the person I join myself with will journey with me, guided by an equal level of respect for self and others.
    Generally, when we choose a life partner, we trust our judgement of character in that the person of our hearts desire has both the capacity and ability to fulfil the extent of their intent. However, how often have we thought higher of ourselves than we really ought, only to be placed within a predicament that unveils the truth about who we really are, or at the very least what we are capable of.
    I have never cheated before, been faithful to my wife for each and every year of our 9 years together, have maintained my commitment – even though her attitude for the majority of the time has been negligent of my ambitions, desires or anything that it is important to me. To be treated like this after demonstrating unwavering commitment is unbearable. When our first child came along, her entire focus became her and the children. It was as if I were becoming less and less important so I threw myself into my career – after having poured out my heart on numerous occasions – to compensate for how utterly lost I felt in my marriage (every man has a cave that they withdraw to. Wives/female partners, just make sure that you are that place of solace for your husband). I would get offers from the opposite sex, but was determined to remain faithful in spite of my loneliness. I have done nothing but shower this woman with love and to be neglected for the majority of the time and then to be cheated on was just the icing on the cake.
    What is the real point of continuing to be faithful in relationships other than being true to who you are?
    The answer itself is within the question itself – do you value yourself enough not to get lost in the poor decision making of others. You will then just become a product of a poorly emotionally and psychologically developed individual; thereby having the capacity to make another person feel how you feel now. What is gained? Nothing.
    Logically the above all stacks up well, but emotions (a very real and important part of all of us) tend to complicate what arguable should be the simplest of tasks.
    I am now finding it more difficult than even before to eat, sleep and focus on my job. With a major project to be delivered around the corner something needs to give and more importantly, for my family.
    I just don’t know if should just get a divorce. I have forgiven her, but just don’t trust her anymore. Whether I let this experience turn me into one of many men who lack integrity remains to be seen, but I feel like I am going off the rails.
    Any views on this????

  213. I wish an e-mail address wasn’t required to post messages on this site. It shouldn’t be.
    Nick and Bob, first and foremost you need to take care of yourselves. If you’ve been betrayed, then you have every justification for leaving your marriages.
    Allowing a person to mistreat you does NOT set a good example for your kids. No one should have to live a lie; pretending to have a happy, committed marriage on the outside when on the inside you’re feeling horrible. That’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your kids.
    At 40, I’ve learned that it’s better to have the tough conversations and move on than to “wait and see……”
    People often choose to stay in familiar but unhealthy situations rather than risk reaching for a healthier life. Don’t be afraid to stand up for YOUR values – self respect and living in integrity so that how you feel on the inside is the same as what you show the world. It is worth it.
    You can’t shield your kids from pain. If it doesn’t come in this form it will come in another. What you can do is demonstrate to your kids how to deal with unfortunate circumstances by insisting on respectful behavior from those with whom you have relationships.

  214. My husband cheated shortly after our child was born. He, like many of you, would probably tell you that it was because I didn’t feel like sex very often (during that time).
    Do any of you men ask yourselves “Why doesn’t my wife want sex with me?” I was working full time, providing 100% of the care for our baby and doing 100% of the housework and home responsibilities. He just checked out after the baby was born. Irresponsibility is not really a turn on for women.
    My husband never admitted that he had the affair. I still loved him and I didn’t want to be divorced. So I forgave him. We get along really well and we are sexually compatible.
    Five years later, a very attractive, successful (captain of industry-type), confident man persued me. I declined his offer. He continued to persue me for over a year. Finally, I said to myself, “My husband taught me that you can have infidelities and your marriage can endure.” So I began an occaisional affair myself. I would never have cheated if my husband had not let me down.
    My husband and I are extremely compatible. I think my husband and my lover are exactly the same: they believe that they are Peter Pan and they want to go to Neverland, and never grow up. The irony is that I am “Wendy” to my husband, and “Tiger Lily” to my lover.

  215. OK here’s my two cents. I have been sitting here reading this and it is utterly depressing. Only few people on here even make any excellent points…and I am not gonna tell you who, sift through it for yourself like I did. I am a psychology major and I know two things for sure *** Men cheat if there is an opportunity there, and damn the consequences, because at that moment the consequence does not compare to the thrill of it all. ***Women cheat more because of a huge problem in the relationship, maybe he does not pay attention to her anymore, she feels unloved etc. The essential fact here is that neither of these reasons make it ok to cheat. If you want to fool around don’t get married….the only problem is that if you are honest as a man and say “Gee, I only wanna have short-term sexual flings until I die” he will not get the partners he desires….so the deception begins. He lies and tells you that you are the only one. Ever hear that old saying “there are women you screw, and women you marry”? well if you are a “keeper” he will marry you, and run around on the side……..if you never settled down perhaps you are the “screw” ********Please note that I am describing a “certain” cheating man here…..not all men. I will always want to be the woman that a man wants, not just the one he has, and is made to go home to……and no I am not “the other woman” I am just saying that I just want to be wanted, as we all do. The jerks want you to believe that upstanding men are either gay or Bible-thumpers because they lack. They lack honor. They are not great men of honor, and since they are not men, then “surely no REAL MEN exist”. Which is not true. There are alot of great men out there……we just get hung up on the bad boys because they seem “different and exciting” well different might mean lots of partners, and exciting might mean a surprise at your next pap-smear!! Give the good guys a chance……seek out the dorks, they might just be so happy to get a girl that they would never think of straying. For the men who get cheated on, I am sorry for you, I bet most of you are great guys who didn’t deserve it…..to those of you who are not great guys, stop calling her fat and looking at porn and maybe she will look better in your eyes. I am sorry but NO ONE can compete with perfect porno airbrushing. I bet those models can’t even compete with themselves. I think porn plays a huge role in all the cheating. If men were happy looking at their wife, they wouldn’t endulge in lust of the flesh. You men wonder why women are overweight…..maybe women feel that they can’t even compete so why try? Quit looking at the skin mags and take your marriage back……your kids might thank you for it someday……plus there is the old Karma thing……what comes around goes around…
    ***To all ladies who were betrayed, leave him……invest in yourself, your future, your appearance, the best revenge is living a life that is better off…..and looking hotter never hurt anyone 🙂

  216. Why doesn’t your wife want to have sex with you?
    Are you clumsy and selfish in bed with her?
    Do you ignore her until you want sex and then perform the act with the same attitude that you approach, say, yardwork?
    Do you think personal grooming at home is overrated?
    Do you sit around watching sports and eating on the couch at home and making immature jokes and fatring out loud?
    Have you worked hard at being in “control” of your marriage, and now despise your wife for being needy?
    Or are you attracted to needy women because you replaced your mom with a wife that takes care of you and that doesn’t make you feel sexy?
    Is your wife more successful than you and you are secretly punishing her for your inadequacy?
    Or did you keep your wife under lock and key so that she is as dependent upon you as the rest of your children and now you crave spending time with an adult?
    If your wife does not want to sleep with you, chances are that you are not unmixedly adorable.
    Cheating is about having sex without having to shore up your own shortcomings. It is about having sex with someone who doesn’t have to deal with the unadorable bits of you.
    You might do well to work on your adorability at home.
    Note to men: porn is about male fantasy and has nothing to do with good satisfying sex from a women’s standpoint.
    Those porn moves are not going to get you any style points from your lady friends. Sex should be something you do with someone, not something you do to someone.

  217. I have to add something to the ‘Why do so many men cheat!’ .. well, I’m a wife, who understands their feelings. I’m married for some years now, I have a nice looking man, pleasant to the eye, he’s got a body that I could do for hours… but, he doens’t like sex. I find myself hiding my 3kt diamond in my bra when I’m alone, or putting it in a safe place in my purse. I want that ‘other’ man to chase me, catch me and do what he will (not rapre of course), but the joy of being pursued by the opposite sex.
    He’s a great guy, but I want more, I want many. I think when I see a man that is attractive if he’s good, is he interested, and I don’t care if I’m on the highway and I eat a banana to encourage him to stop at the next available place.
    I don’t agree that women came up with this ‘sole mate’ thing, women were never allowed to have emotion and were suppressed and not allowed education for decades, ahem! thousands of years. We won’t go there, but, we have these feelings, and yes, some women want the men to pay ONLY attention to them, but wait and see if a man pays attention to them, whoa! they like it! May even bat an eyelash or two.
    So, to the man who wrote up about how many women cheat, whether physically or mentally, probably more than we think… or want to admit to. I know many women who are just outright liars about their sex lives. We’re taught that it’s okay for boys to be premisquious, but if you’re a girl, close your legs, cover up and no sex till the day you marry. What the @#[email protected] is that all about? I think it’s about not getting pregnant, the concequence that we all do not want, yet, the boy gets what he wants and moves on, she’s got a baby to tend to for life, but cannot afford it.
    So, now that we have the birthcontrol, we’re far free’r to enjoy sex for what it is, so now, it’s our turn, we’re starting to flirt, get some extra activity when the husband is gone for about 8 hours. Why should we stay back and be faithful, when we know that men, want the same thing we do, many partners, many many chances!!
    On a final note, if I caught my husband cheating, yes, I’d turn away and walk out, I’m not affraid to lose him. Ironic, yes, but I sure do look at fine men…

  218. People cheat because they don’t have the skills to create happiness in the relationship, they don’t take responsibility to make the relationship happy, and to grow together, and because they have a feeling that it is someone else’s job to make them happy. When a person does nice things for their partner, they both get filled up. If one of the partner’s doesn’t do loving things, then they stop feeling loving. It’s their fault because they stopped being loving, but they blame the other.
    If you don’t want to cheat, then go home, and do all the loving, admiring, romantic, sexy things for your spouse that you were thinking of doing for and with the new person. If you invest that same amount of effort at home, it will pay off. You will save yourself the pain and shame of being a cheater. You will save yourself the financial problems caused by cheating and divorce. You will save your children the legacy of adultery and broken families. You can get the love you want and need from your partner, even if there is old resentment and distance built up. Just start, and don’t quit when it gets tough. Don’t quit your marriage and don’t cheat before giving your 100% full effort to save your family. If counselling doesn’t work, try relationship classes or a relationship counselor who will help you create an action plan to recover your marriage. Read the Five Love Languages and start filling your spouses love bucket. Read Getting the Love you Want, A Guide for Couples, and start making each other happy again. Then the trust, the sex, the companionship, the romance, the support that you each want to give and to receive will start flowing. It’s much easier than starting over with a new person. And your new relationship will just get to that low point at some time in the future too, so you’ll be right back where you are now, unhappy and not knowing what to do. Love the one you are with, right now. You married them for a reason, and they married you for a reason. The love is still there, underneath the pain, resentment, fear, blame, anger, disappointment. You can clear all that junk away, and you will be back to your loving courtship, and you can keep that going the rest of your life. If you already cheated, do all of these things, and apologize, apologize, apologize, spoil him or her with affection and love, and don’t give up. You can win back their trust and love. And it will be so worth your effort, and you’ll feel so happy and proud of both of you as a couple who dealt with a tough time and overcame it. What a team you will be!
    When you are 80 years old, and you look back on your life, what do you want to see? That you had a weak moment, a low point in your marriage, and you stuck it out and worked through it, and you learned how to create a happy, supportive marriage? Imagine how good this will be for you and your spouse, your kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, friends, neighbors, extended family!
    You, your spouse, your family are worth your strength and effort right now.

  219. why do men always refer to a beautiful woman when they give an example as to when and why they would or would not cheat on their wife or g/f?
    sex goddess angelina jolie’s first husband cheated on her. do u think the women were more beautiful than poor angelina? she’s now with brad… and for how long?
    what’s beauty got to do with any of it?
    my former boyfriend cheated on me with an unattractive, heavy-set woman!!!!!!!!!!! she became his new girlfriend.
    i’m 5’3, 120lbs, long blonde hair, light grn eyes, curvy, and toned. i’m likeable, kind, intelligent, caring……….. i’m told that i’m sexy and beautiful inside and out.
    he cheated out of lust???????????????????
    pls….

  220. why do men always refer to a beautiful woman when they give an example as to when and why they would or would not cheat on their wife or g/f? as though beauty has anything to do with sexual compatibility between partners.
    sex goddess angelina jolie’s first husband cheated on her. even though she through sex at him. do u think the women were more beautiful than angelina? she’s now with brad… and for how long?
    what’s beauty got to do with any of it?
    my former boyfriend cheated on me with an unattractive, heavy-set woman!!!!!!!!!!! she became his new girlfriend.
    i’m 5’3, 120lbs, long blonde hair, light grn eyes, curvy, and toned. i’m likeable, kind, intelligent, caring……….. i’m told that i’m sexy and beautiful inside and out.
    he cheated out of lust???????????????????
    pls….

  221. These husbands don’t think. They don’t realize the hurt they cause or either the emotional side of it either. I spoke to the cheater twice and she is so dumb and does not realize that she broke up a family man and thinks that it is his fault. The sad thing is that her husband left her for someone else and here she is messing with a married man. She does not seem too smart. She says she is sick of men but she lets a married man in her bedroom. She must be very hard up and is not feeling good about herself. She also says that it is not a sexual relationship, she feels sorry for him. She just friends. Stupid, you are more than friends when you are sleeping with him and don’t tell me you are not doing anything when you say all he wants is sex. I don’t know what to say about woman who mess with married men. That is not saying much about you that’s for sure. You need a life Diane Alexander and you need it soon.

  222. ok..the first guy who was speaking almost had me convinced, until..he jokingly mentioned “if it was Angeline Jolie”. PAH-LEESE! You really didn’t have to get so graphic with the massage and oil..I think you were secretly thinking, “how nice” and if you have such thoughts, then you are just one of the many men who become capable in “doing it”. Keep your fantasies to yourself..the woman in your life isn’t interested, unless she is the one in the fantasy and you’d be getting lots more of “in person” attention because of it. Boy, you men haven’t evolved much..I’m thinking of training a chimp! PS The Men’s Health is just shy of being soft porn..another Playboy in disguise..

  223. The first time my husband cheated on me was after 4 month of marriege. He promised he will never do it again. That was 2005 march he hasn t changed since then. I am 26 years old and i have a 6 month old baby boy (god bless him) and he is still cheating on me.
    I gave up everything for him my family my school
    friends, my life…. and he was not worth it.
    I tried so many times to tell myself everything is gonna be oke u just have to be strong he will grow up an d realize that he is making mistakes…
    i closed my eyes so many time for everything he did. I felt ashamed about my self. I started thinkin it is my fault i am not good enough i don t do this that etc. etc. but that is not true.
    i was lying in our bed when he kissed me goodbye to see another women. what kind of person would do that??? and that when u are 4 month married????what kind of a person are u to record on your cell phone another woman givin u a blow job. AND U SAVE IT in the folder with the pictures of your son???
    i don t know what to do anymore. i can t go back i can t move on it feels like dying everyday a little bit more….
    I will never trust him or anybody again. i don t love him. but my hands are tied i can t leave him right know so i have to be patient.
    i am open for any good advice so please

  224. I’ve cheated on my wife numurous times. She just doesn’t turn me on anymore. Our marriage has been sexless for over 10 years. We stay together for the kids. We have tried couselling but nothing works. Other than the lack of sex everything is fine so I get sexual satisfaction when I can outside the marriage. I think the whole idea of just having sex with one person for decades is almost impossible. People get bored and want to try new things. Men are wired for variety and their primary arousal sense is visual. If the way your wife looks repulses you sexually it is hard to just masturbate all the time.

  225. Hi guys, I’ve been reading all and sundry. I unfortunately found myself in a middle of an affair. My “boyfriend” is married. I knew this right from the beginning. I am not proud of myself. I was recently divorced when I met him. My self esteem was low and I was lonely. He came along just in time. At first it was ok, but my guilt with having an affair with a married man with children prevented me from being truly happy.
    I “broke” up with him a few months after starting the sordid affair. He would not hear of it. He’s a smooth talker and managed to convince me that he’s wife is a “bitch”, how unhappy he is, that he’s only staying in the marriage because of his children. Right!
    I am human therefore I’m weak and I hate myself for this bloody weakness. We’ve been having this affair in secret for nearly 7 years now! I have tried to break it off with him many, many times but he knows just what to say, what words to use … how much he loves me, how he cannot live without me, how we are soulmates, if we were not meant for each other, we would not have met. If we were seeking this affair, we would have consciously done so instead of meeting by chance. This means, he justfies, we were meant to be together. All along, I know this is bullshit and periodically fight with him and insult him and do everything short of telling his wife in order for him to leave me alone! He has entrenched himself in my life, making it difficult to give him up. He has been nothing but kind and loving towards me and I cannot fault him. But, I continuously get this sneaking suspicion that he is pulling the wool over my eyes.
    Like you guys have said, what makes us believe that this “glorious”, loving relationship be any different to what his marriage was in the beginning. What the hell is different? The sex? G-d forbid! He tells me that he has never felt like this before, never loved like this before. Do I believe him? He says that if this was not true love, why would our relationship last this long? (All I know is that I am tired of sneaking!)
    He accuses me of trying to rationalise our relationship too much. I should just sit back and enjoy our beautiful relationship.
    How can it be beautiful if he’s a liar and a cheater. I am also the liar and a cheater because I am hurting his family indirectly. I am aiding and abetting! It is impossible to believe that one can keep these things hidden forever! If someone finds out, someone is going to get hurt, very hurt.
    Anyway, I broke up with him yet again yesterday. He is extremely hurt (shame!) and (crossing my fingers) has not called since. I am seriously thinking of obtaining a court interdict to stop him from calling or coming to see me!
    To all the “other” women in this blog, no amount of money he spends on you or gifts that he gives or all the loving WORDS he sprouts takes that horrible feelings of betrayal away.
    You are fooling yourself if you think you’re happy. You’re spending your life watching over your shoulder to see who’s watching when you go out! It sucks. I have really started to hate this guy for not listening to me and just leave me alone.
    I have not spoken to anyone about this, not my family nor friends. I have been keeping silent about this for a long, long time. The only one I can confide in is HIM! This makes me truly vulnerable as he tries to twist my mind and justifies actions. I am sick of living this way. I don’t believe when he says that he’s waiting for his children to start college. What difference would it make then. They’ll still be the same children who will still be hurt.
    I AM TIRED. I WANT OUT. I am not going to answer his calls, nor his SMSs. I deserve better than this.
    If I cannot find a man who can truly love me and be honourable about it, so be it. I am sure I can be even happier just with myself, without having to constantly worry about what I am doing. I am sure it will get lonely, but I will have to deal with it! Thanks for listening guys and thanks for clarifying what I already knew all along. 🙂

  226. I am married, for 9 years. We love eachother very much. My husband 2 months ago told me he is bisexual and has been with over 50 men, but since it was men it was completely okay and not CHEATING. So, he told me that either I would let him be with other men on the side or we would no longer be together, so of course, we have all the history and a 9 year old and a 10 yearold boy, so we stayed together. Then he wanted a threesome, so of course I said yes, and we did it, and I even enjoyed it. But now he is trying to push it EVEN FARTHER to chatting with women online to. It’s really hard knowing all the lies he has told me in order to be with all those men, and I am supposed to believed and trust that he wouldn’t lie to me in order to be with some bitch too. I mean, comeon, I think even my kids could get that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I love him sooo itensly, but I know that he is treating me like a third class citizen again……And we have to go online like this……And I have discovered that I am turned on by S&M but he wont even try that for me, but I watched him be with another man for him….Let me know your thoughts please,,, all out there……

  227. I am in a relationship with a married man for 2years now. Unfortunatly I didn’t find out about this until I was 6 months pregnant. I’ve known him for five years, thinking he was divorced. He keeps telling me he will get a divorce when his other kids are older, they only being from ages 5 to 8yrs old. His wife knows about me, yet she continues to stay. Just this past christmas he bought me an engagement ring. He lives at my house most of the time. I honestly believe he will get a divorce, but I hope he doesn’t prove me wrong

  228. I am not by any means a religious person. However, one of the most astounding lines that I have ever heard was spoken by Jesus. He said, “Let him without sin cast the first stone”. Astounding. Point being is that although, you might have a hard time trusting a man in a business setting that can’t so much as be trusted in a personal one. Does that mean that you refuse to work with anyone? I’m sure, as all of you will likely agree, there isn’t a person (adult) alive that can look back over his/her life and say that they have never done anything that might have hurt someone else. I stand on my porch and smoke, while watching the cars go by, I notice that 9 people out of 10 exceed the speed limit by at least 5 miles per hour. Not so bad say the nay sayers, but what of the little one that runs from my yard to the street at the same moment? That person can’t be trusted with my children’s lives, is he not to be trusted in business either? I would never condone a man cheating,(or speeding by my house), but lets try to think a bit more realistically. If you focus on a single mistake, then you are likely missing the big picture, and that doesn’t just go for in this situation. If you are a judgmental person, then you are missing out on some great people. Don’t let a person’s mistake sway the way you think of that person…They are only human, and as humans, we all make mistakes.

  229. I think it’s perfectly ok for a man to cheat if his wife repulses him. Man was not built for monogamy. He needs to spread his seed among as many women as possible. That’s what nature intended. Men – don’t feel guilty for exercising your need!
    Oh and to the women – don’t get fat and think he’ll still want you.

  230. This is like the never ending thread! IMO love is a choice- a number of choices one makes everyday. Some people do not feel the need to have a moral compass, becuase they do not believe that they will ever be asked to account for the choices they have made in their life. Or because scientifically this or that- I figure if the choices I make breathe life into others- help build them up instead of tear them down, well, then the choices I make are loving. That includes making loving choices for myself- (Not being a doormat) My post is only to those who do have a conscience. I have made poor choices in my life in regard to romance.
    I have chosen people who are not trustworthy to begin with even though I probably saw red flags I chose to ignore them and trust the person instead of myself-or jumped into a physical realtionship before getting to know them, and then when I found out they were users, expected them to be honest and fair. The truth is that they loved themselves and what they wanted. I did not love myself enough to tell them to take a hike before the damage was done. I no longer believe that men want anything close to what women want. I would like to hear a man here that enjoys being married, loves their wife, their life together, is faithful and is growing as a human being.
    I have been married for 11 years. I jumped into it, without waiting long enough to know him, and I have paid a heavy price over this time. He used to suspect me of having affairs and say crappy stuff to me when I had never even thought of being with another man. Then I came to believe he was cheating on me, but I never did get any real proof. I just knew something wasn’t right. Then came the further mental/emotional abuse abusive stage where all of my suspicions were ludicrous and I was crazy. Well.. I shut down. See he didn’t even know I had moved away emotionally from him. And then other men began to take interest in me I guess because I was in massive pain and need I suppose that attracted them to me right? I mean you can tell when a person is hurting, without them saying a thing. Here is what I found out.
    No amount of my own marital problems will be repaired by having a sexual affair with another man. I have remained sexually pure in my marriage because I know that particular fact. I have been tempted several times. I believe that you can expect one thing from men that chase married women or who are married themselves and that is Sex. So, sex is going to heal my broken heart eh? If thats your thing well..so be it. I don’t have the ability to be free of my conscience even when I am very unhappy. I must rescue myself from those things that cause my sadness. I know someday I will be able to either work things out or leave my marriage, but it will not be for another man. That would just be silly IMO.

  231. Men cheat because they cannot satisfy with what they have. Reasons can be many for a man to cheat – may be wife cannot satisfy him, he likes someone, he is alone, some women is trying to seduce him, many more possiblilty. If any men gets instant or long term pleasure, the same is exactly possible with women for reasons which can same like man or may be different. Women has multiple desire may not be sex many times but small things which they appreciate but most of women choose not to cheat. Men cheats because they are selfish – that is simple truth.
    I read some reviews mentioning kids – I pity on the reasons and kids who has father with very few morales. Such men are no less worse because they thought about kids.
    Article mentions Angelina.. I think man is a man when he is strong enough to do things which are actually right. I loved that sentence ” It’s still my face in the mirror every morning.”

  232. Its simple. Its wrong. Hopefully we know as adults the difference between right and wrong. We all were tought(I hope)Don’t cheat, steal or lie. Basic rules of life. I’ve been cheated on by my husband of 12 years – we just got home from a family beach vaca. and looking to buy our vacation home. The next day as I was doing all the laundry from our trip with our 3 children. I got a letter in the mail from the mistress’ husband telling me everything.I was CLUELESS! Guys, (and women)for those of you that cheat or might be thinking about it Listen, I literally fell to the floor. I’ve never felt that emotion before and hope I never do again.I don’t even know what it was – I guess shock. I didn’t cry. I called a friend attorney, it was over. I confronted my husband when he came home, it was ugly. 1-2 days went by I can’t remember, its all a terrible fog. Then it hit, the reality of it all. I’m going to loose my FAMILY. I could not get out of bed for about 6 weeks, suicidal. My husband too. My neighbors asked me if I had cancer because I lost so much weight. I had to lie and hide from my children because all I could do was cry. It even effects extended family and friends! (Try telling your mother you cheated on your spouse)I’m on anti- depressant drugs.I NEVER did drugs! I still somehow love my husband, and he still somehow loves me. We fight more than ever,we both feel like horrible. He feels way worse than me. Its very difficult for him to live with the guilt. To be souly responsible for hurting and betraying another human being to the point that this does is a huge burden. There is no word I have been able to find that express the pain of adultry. No word exists. If you have children you know no words exitst to explain the love for your child. Adultry is that intense just the opposite end of the spectrum. There is no bigger guilt than breaking up your family. Anybody that knows your married and still sleeps with you is nothing,nothing,nothing but trouble.TALK TO YOUR WIVES – MOST OF THEM REALLY,REALLY LOVE YOU! Life today is just so stressful! No body said marriage was easy, but its not disposable. If my husband told me he was attracted to someone because we needed to fix the problems in our relationship – this never would have happened. I would have done ANYTHING to stop him. The pain of an affair is ABSOULETY NOT WORTH IT – ask anyone. My husband realized he has lost my respect and worse than that his own self respect. He is a very sucessful business owner, handsome, guys kind of guy. We had/have the (still hiding the affair from our friends)the world. Three healthy kids,we were very much in love, finacially set, we had it all! Communication problems, kids, and me not stroking his ego because I was takeing care of children and not him(someone else did)will probably end my once upon a time fairly tale marriage. I hope someone listens and goes home, instead of into the arms of someone else. The other “relationship” is just an escape from life its not real. THINK TWICE. In the end we are all alone with the choice WE make, and have to life with ourselves. JUST DON’T DO IT! Sound’s like a Nike ad :)!

  233. There are some good guys out there but MOST are not.
    My father cheated on my Mom when I was young. My parents divorced and that was the start of a very screwed up life (but the way I see it, if they stayed together I would’ve been worse) My father was honest and TRIED TO JUSTIFIED why he cheated on my Mom when I was older saying, “it’s this simple, if a guy is somewhere where his wife isn’t and there’s another girl- it happens. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, he does- there was just someone there when it happened.”
    To this day, my father has not changed. I love him to pieces (he is my father) but there is an element in him that I can’t appreciate. A lot of girls look up to their Dad’s – growing up I always told myself “try not to be like him as much as possible.”
    When I was 19 I had a dream that I had a little brother which I told my Mom about. She confided in me that I did have a little brother- my father had impregnated a dancer when my MOM WAS PREGNANT WITH ME. We’re two months apart. There are more seeds elsewhere. Don’t I belong on Maury or what?!?
    My #1 fear is still that my husband will cheat on me and it haunts me in my sleep (literally) and just at random moments during the day.
    The last bastion I found hope in was God. I married a Christian which , TRUE, EVEN CHRISTIANS CHEAT. EVERYONE HAS THE SAME ABILITY TO CHEAT. I guess I leave it up to God, if he does- I’m through with men for good.
    But this decision was a complete turnaround from the men I was seeing before. My belief system stems directly from the Bible. I think CHEATING is wrong no matter what. I think if your spouse cheats on you, DIVORCE IS JUSTIFIED.
    I don’t think there is ever an excuse. No excuse will be justified. Men are fooling themselves- it’s funny how it’s easy to justify your being a dick with “oh she got fat” fine, maybe some women should take better care of themselves- but does that change that fact that it’s wrong!??!
    It’s this simple, you don’t enter into something if you know you can’t stay married. If you know you can’t – don’t stay single- sleep around, get STD’s. Who cares?
    If you love your wife enough- keep yourself out of it. EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS CATCH UP WITH YOU and when it does oh boy. The definition of cheating is strictly held to anything you would do with your wife SEXUALLY- kissing, touching whatever – even your thoughts.
    To the men here who say: it’s not possible- IT IS.
    People are just too selfish to remember that what they entered to is a giving relationship. The minute you cheat once- you’ve already robbed everything good from the relationship.

  234. Just seems like a lot of men cheat by comparison to women. I wonder why women are less likely to break commitments with their partners? What keeps women from cheating, we have all the same temptations and opportunities in our modern world. Is it biology (lower sex drive)? Is it evolution?
    I believe for the male it is biology, the increased sex drive, but I also believe that men could evolve if they really wanted to. They could figure out a way to not be slaves to their sexual urges. But for the most part, men are getting their urges met either by their mate or through cheating, so why would they ever consider changing? There has to be a purpose for the evolution, and for now, they probably don’t see one worth changing for.
    Sorry, but that’s my rather bleak opinion.

  235. Once someone has been cheated on, the trust is gone forever. My Husband lied to me about talking to/seeing his ex before we were married. But he came to me and confessed it. He told me it was just a friendship, but he wanted to get everything out in the open before we got married. I respected that and I believed that he wanted only me and would not continue any friendship with this person after we were married. Well, here we are 16 years and three kids later, and I find out that he is talking to that same ex girlfriend behind my back. I find a letter he wrote to her talking about long kisses, a bed and how she makes him “feel like he’s home”.
    He says it was only talk, no sex, and that it’s only been going on for the last three years, not the whole 16, but, how do I believe a single word that comes out of this person’s mouth from this point on? The answer is, I don’t. Period.
    Take my advice, if someone has lied to you, or cheated on you, just walk away. They will not change. Not all men cheat, but the ones that do, always do. They do not change. If I had walked away, I could had a much better life over the last 16 years.
    I will never get married again.

  236. This entire web site is just soooo sad. I posted a comment a while back, I too have been cheated on and my world changed FOREVER.
    I know it sounds sexist, but I feel it is even worse when a woman(mother)cheats. Its unacceptable no matter who does it. Somehow to me, when it is a married woman/mother who cheats it seems as if we are also betraying our children. Mothers usually have that strong family bond. They are like evil black widows, they are a different bread the married/mother that can do that – a scary,ruthless bunch! I don’t know what I believe, there is no answer. Only a lot of pain, sadness, broken hearts and families.18 years and 3 great kids later – he has to have his mid life crisis with a tramp(also)married unethcal ****. 2 families,6 kids! I also happen to LOVE my in-laws. I’m supposed to loose all of them too, no way! I don’t want to hurt my children by leaving my husband and breaking up our “happy family.” I’ll NEVER trust him or feel the same way about him again. I know for a fact he told this other **** he loved her. He slept with her for a week in a 5 star Vegas hotel, while I stayed at home and shoveled snow with my kids. The next day after they had a $92.00 breakfast in bed, I got a text from him telling me how much he loved ME!!! Couldn’t we all have a HOT love life without work, school, bills stress! I’d be an AWESOME mistress – wined dined, spas, secrets, intimate and a fantasy life at great hotels and resorts all without problems, no reality! Oh yeah, I forgot – I’m missing the whole lack of morals and being a gold digging tramp part!!!!!!!!
    I’ll just buy my time until this living hell is over, he made me insane. I’ve taken steps to change my life and leave the rest to fate. We we’re both unhappy – I didn’t and wouldn’t ever cheat. Not because of him but for myself. I have to live with myself and my choices. Cheaters are weak, selfish and most of the time can’t/won’t take responsibility for their actions. They all think, “If YOU took care of ME I wouldn’t have cheated.” It’s the same pathetic story – we just have different names. I’ve had “happy marriage” face on for almost 2 years now, it’s amazing! I always said I’d through him to the curb if he ever cheated….2 years later he is still here. God Bless and hang on strong.

  237. What a dumb s*t. What an ass. To reduce it to lack of ethics or immaturity is complete naivety. Do you think the average wife could use a crash seminar in how-to-keep-a-guy-ism? Yeah, damnwell think so. Guys are simple, if our basic needs are covered we’re pretty happy…and one of the basic needs is a satisfying sex life. I don’t think the average married guy gives a shit about his wife putting on 15 lbs or stretch marks or whatever…if a wife can make the time to get jiggy with some lingerie and a blowjob, i think more husbands would be happy staying home and helping with the dishes and laundry, rather than dipping the wick in secretaries or whoever else.
    Get a damn clue.

  238. Cheating is flat out f-ing wrong…I don’t care the “justification” of anyone…I think at the time I am being cheated on…
    My husband of 4 years (together for 8) began a so called “talking only” relationship with some little girl (OK, she was 20, but we are 28—and to me just a little girl)It lasted for a while, and thought it was over, but just found out they still talk occassionally. He has also been talking to one of his employees for the past 6 months…the texts to these 2 are outrageous…I catch him in lies about where he is…always “running late” or “taking someone home” …always something….
    I believed in our marriage, and took our vows EXTREMELY seriously…he was supposed to be the one, FOREVER. The pain that this causes me on a daily basis is horrid…the worry, the pain, even guilt at times.
    We have 2 kids, and all that goes on isn’t fair to them either…his change with them is noticable…he is back and forth about whether he wants us or to “just be single”…it is absolutely ridiculous…SO, before you get married, make sure you are f-ing mature enough to make a commitment, because there is someone there beside you believing in you, trusting you, and loving you…and NO ONE deserves this…
    As for the B***H that pulled the “poor, pitiful me” head trip…PLEASE, when you find out someone is married, get the hell out….You honestly think that if he did it to his wife (and kids), that somehow YOU are really the one he loves forever…people don’t get married cause they have nothing else better to do…that fire, passion, love was there too…Get a life, and quit living in a fantasy world that you are so much better than his wife, cause let me tell you that will NEVER be the case…
    And, as for the FAT comment…Seriously!!!! THat is bullshit if I have ever heard it before in my life.. Have any of you MEN (and I use that term ever so lightly) ever carried a child and given birth? NO…now, I wouldn’t consider myself Obese by any means…but things aren’t in the same places there were before my kids…PERIOD….get over it…and believe me, none of you look as great as you did when we were getting hot and heavy—you remember, when YOU got US pregnant…get over yourselfs………….

  239. what i want to know is why do you women continue to stay in a marriage where your husband continuelly cheat on you. I was married once got a divorce when I found out he was cheating. Best thing I ever did. A friend of mine is currently in a marriage of almost 10 years. Her husband has been cheating on her for five. She knows about this, but continues to stay for the kids. She has a 5, 7, and 8 yr old. Her husband ever has a baby with his mistress. He has told her that he loves his girlfriend. He has gotten caught 3 times with her. I know for a fact they have been dating for 2 years and their relationship has never ended. His wife has proof of this but she continues to put up with it. I don’t understand how she believes his lies when he says he loves her. He has been cheating for 5 years two of which are with his son’s mother. The son that he had with his girlfriend while he is still married. I wish she would wake up and realize he loves his girlfriend not her, his wife. He continues to risk losing his kids and marriage by cheating. YET HE CONTINUES TO DO IT. But only with her. I feel bad for her I wish she would get some respect for her and her kids and get a divorce. I’v tried telling her this but she listens to her parents and they tell her to stay for the kids. She is not getting any younger, her being 43 and him 42. His girlfriend 27 yrs old. This is her first marriage his second, so I think she feels trapped. I just wish she would see it would be better for her kids and her is she would get a divorce. This is one guy that has no intention of not seeing his girlfriend. Especially considering she is pregnant with his child again. He obviously has no intention of leaving his girlfriend. I wish she would file for a divorce. How do you convince someone to get a divorce? She is only hurting herself and those kids by staying.

  240. i am a 35 year old man. And i cheated on my wife of 9 years over a dozen times. Honestly I have a wife that is the Ideal wife to whom i really love and adore. So can anyone tell me why did i cheat

  241. Hey All seems like everyone is bashing the religous view of adultery. One quick note to that if it bothers you, you already know it is wrong so I’ll just stick to why anyone cheats. Not just men,women too! Most everyone seems to be wanting to justify cheating here. Very few have really gotten down to the root why they cheat. What I mean by that is the excuses they make for their own actions. Sexless marriage blahh blahh mens nature and so fourth. People cheat because they no respect for their partner and for their own gratification. You can say I love her or him, and you may truly feel you do but if you cheat you don’t. Adultery is selfish act that destroyes peoples lives on both ends. Read these post, the problem is it has come to be acceptable in our society. Justification for their own personnel gratification that is all. They have no respect for anyone but theirselves. Even if as one ass said his wife says to find some to have sex with. Bs to you. Your only thought is of yourself. Thats why you cheat! Your own gratification pure and simple. If you had no intentions of being faithful why get married. Some of the post show the anger and hurt that it causes no one truly wants to put someone that they love through that. I have been married for almost 18 years. I have never had an affair. I would suffer any pain or indignity to keep my loved ones from hurt. I am 43, I have been chased by a 26 years old. Flattered, of course, did anything with her not on your life. I have others beside myself to think of. Good luck to those who have gone through it. It wasn’t your fault you just found someone who puts themselves first.

  242. as all you men go back and forth how about a females perspective? men cheat on their wives because they get bored and look for excitement and since they are so lazy its alot easier to “try some thing new” with someone new than with someone that theyve been fuking for years. Women cheat on their husbands when they stop caring if their husband stays or goes.

  243. Thank you Paul for your above comments. It is nice to know that there are men out there who love, appreciate, and cherish their wives. It is commendable that you put your family first…I do the same, but at times wonder if that is what my husband does…he claims that he does, but if he can talk to other women, is that really putting us first. I wish desperatly that he were more like you, you have a VERY lucky wife!!!!!

  244. Unless I’ve missed a comments, it’s all about husbands cheating on wives, wives cheating on husbands, mistresses having to put up with being the othet one. What about the feelings and lives of children who have a cheating parent? What about the effects that has on their emotions once they find out?
    I first learned of my father cheating on my mother over 20 years ago and had to keep quite about it in the hope that it would go away, in the hope that my parents could fix things. I don’t even know whether my mother ever found out.
    Things improved in the family and I felt happier and more trusting of my father, by the way he didn’t know that I knew.
    Then 3 months ago, I heard him talking to the same woman. Was I shocked, did I feel as if I had been stabbed in the back? It was worse, it was a feeling I never experienced before, not when someone has died, not when I broke up with boyfriends, not when I nearly died when I tried to commit suicide, not ever.
    I confronted my father, he denied anything was going on. Apparently it was just somebody he knew and it was just talk, only worried about whether I would reveal all to my mother. I made him promise that he would give up all contact with this woman and like a fool I believed he would so, that I his daughter whom he swore he loved so much, was more important than anyone.
    Turns out I’m not since two weeks ago I saw two missed calls from the same woman and he still denies everything.
    What do I do? Do I tell my mother and make her go through hell, destroy her marriage, risk her having a breakdown or do I ago along with my father’s lie?
    No wonder I can never stay long in a relationship and no wonder I cannot get married. Could I ever trust a man with my emotions, could I trust a man to be faithful? I don’t think so.
    My dad is 70 and has recently had cancer for which he is being treated and I have decided not to talk to him anymore because I cannot face being untrue to myself anymore. I’m in so much pain for hiding this from my mother and I’m in so much pain for loosing the respect I had for my father and for not being able to be with him in this time of need.
    So all you people that cheat on your partners, think of your kids and the psychological damage that you might inflict on them. Is it worth being that selfish?
    Had my father been my partner and cheated on me I would have moved away with no questions asked and no second chances.
    Sex is sex, it’s only a physical act, is it worth destroying people’s lives over it?

  245. How about a woman’s point of view? I am out-of-my-mind bored in my marriage! There is sex but no passion. Neither of us are hungry for each other any more. Love and respect is not Passion. Passion is a hot need for each other – an ache to be intimate with someone. I think it something you can only have n a new relationship. Passion is the reason I think women cheat – they miss being wanted. Wanted and not just required (I would use the word needed, but even needed would be satisfactory – I’m not even needed any longer – just required to fulfill a physical need of my husband’s). Toys or videos or books or even therapy can’t instill/infuse passion back into a marriage – I’ve tried. After 12 years of marriage who has passion. Is it possible – I’m not so sure. Is passion just something we all have to give up – what a huge sacrifice. What a gift if there are marriages out there longer than 10 years that still have passion. I’m jealous.

  246. Okay i need an open-minded opinion .
    unbiased and totaly truthfull view on my situation.
    I have been with this guy that has recently told me about his gf who he lives with but shes been out of town like for a couple months , and she’ll be back tomorrow ooh well i guess today cause its past midight , but i cant believe him about anything but i cant help but still care about him .
    and he wants to leave her for me , but i couldint live with my self if he left his fiancee for me on a whim what do you think i should do , i know this is all about guys cheating so ….. help

  247. To Rhiannon….
    If you feel guilty about him leaving his fiancee for you, then you shouldn’t be any part of it.
    I totally feel that if he is willing to do that to his fiancee, what makes you so better that he wouldnt one day do it to you?…You know, once a cheater always a cheater.
    And yes, I do believe people can change if they want to….but do you want to get attached more, and then be in the same position as his current fiancee? Respect yourself, and get out, before you get burned too!

  248. Admittedly I didn’t read every post, but I didn’t see anyone bring up the fact that people change. If you bought a brand new house but at the closing your house turned into a 4 year old go-cart, would you be upset? I think so.
    My wife literally did a 180 when we got married. Didn’t have sex until the 5th day of our honeymoon (we were on a cruise no less!), hated kissing after we married, and it was like pulling teeth to get her to be intimate.
    She’s content to have the bread brought home to her (she doesn’t work) but it feels like we are just roommates, a fact she admitted to.
    She’s a good mother to the kids and a decent person, but our love is the same that two good friends would have for each other.
    I can’t picture living the rest of my life this way. Unfortunately, since I’m a chronic pleaser and don’t want to hurt the kids, I probably will.
    The sad part is that I’m sure she realizes that.

  249. I have been following this for a few months…and during this time have been going through my own personal ordeal. I am having a hard time making heads or tails of any of it…I guess we all have our own opinions, make our own choices, and consequently have to live with our decisions…
    This being said…For the past year, I have lived in my own personal hell of lies, deceipt, sadness…you name it I’ve felt it…In an earlier post I basically went through all of this, and feel it isn’t even necessary to comment on again. However, my husbands actions are now reaping severe consequences…His partying ways over the past year have cost him his job…
    At this point, he wants me to completely forgive him…things go back to normal…and we get through this together…He says he had to fall before he could pick himself up…He says that he is happy/grateful that I didn’t leave him, and that I am the most important thing to him…basically everything I have wanted to hear.
    There are times when I am happy with this…but then times when I just wonder “why now…”. Are you staying now just because you hit rock bottom or is it really because you love me….
    I guess I am confused…and I wonder…can one really change for the better…can a relationship really come out stronger out of the fire…is this possible, or something I have created in my head to help me get through all the hard times…

  250. To TA, I was married for almost 10yrs half of which i cheated on my wife. After week got married she completely changed. On a two week honeymoon we only had sex twice. The first five years after that i had to beg to get it. The total of ten yrs we were married we only slept together 20 times. Which we have three kids from. I deceided after my last son was born to start cheating. I dated many girls, one of which I couldn’t stand to not be around. She became pregnant but I still stayed with my wife because of my three kids with her. One of which has downs the other teretz.My wife and I slept in seperate bedrooms,she found out about my gf,my I couldn’t leave my gf. I loved her very much. I have been married twice and this with her was so much different. But i had my mind made up that as soon as my kids were old enough I would file for a divorce and move in with my girlfriend. Well turns out after two years of dating and us having a ten month old son she became pregnant again. I deceided this time to leave my wife I had already gotten my girlfriend a engagement ring for christmas and totally in love with her. I couldn’t leave her with two babies. I still see my other kids I don’t regret leaving my wife, I truly believe I have found my soulmate with my fiancee.
    To you TA how long to you think it will be before a women comes along who is willing to give you what you want. You might love your kids but eventually you have to put yourself first.

  251. I married a guy was used to cheat on in his all past long-term relationships. Before we got married he told me all of his past stories and promised me he’s getting old now and will never play around the way as past. So far he just only wanted a peace and quiet life would love to share the rest of day by day life with me.
    Unfortunitely we couldn’t live together after marriage. I’m in China and he’s living in America.
    But we would try to share time together each year. He was in really bad financial situation last year, and I was worried about him badly even drove to crazy. I took lots of stress on his situation and he once sent me sms said, i was the only boat for him in the desperation ocean.
    But later on, I felt something was wrong. He was not really enjoy the time with me whenever we tried to get together. He’s not happy with me even reduce the sexual desire.
    Finally I found out he was dating a woman down there each week and talk to her everyday. What I can not accept is, she’s old and ugly and not a honest person as well. They build kind of financial investment together- high risk which drove him lost lots of money. But he still adore her and keep really close “friendship” with her. She didn’t know he was married, but she realised he had somebody.
    But, still, this so-called “traditional and serious” on relationship and sexual life woman had many times sex over night with him. Now she knows all the situation- even talked to me, but she’s still there.
    Months ago, I got an email which he sent to the other woman had affair before we married. That was so romantic and he even told her even he’s married but still think about how to live with her because our marriage just only bring “several weeks together each year”. She’s a clever woman I think, so she refused him as “I’m just so non-romantic” right now.
    Of course I complain a lot and feel so hurt about all of these happened. But he gave the answer as “I need write and get romantic feeling from the other woman. I can not just only love one woman in my life. I need the fire buring out with somebody else to warm you up.”
    Yes, he is always so confidence about his past- he past through so many relationships. But I see it differently- there’s no single relationship worked out in positive. They all failed! Even his over 20 years long-term was failed after years tortured. And she just kicked him out and shut off all of the connection with him.
    Now I know how stupid I was shouldn’t believe “getting old and change” bullshit. Guys live on cheating will cheat forever. Maybe some old and ugly women would pick them up. Just let it be. I see the new world right now- should stand up and keep walking towards to the light.

  252. It is amazing how much one can be in denial and not realize it. I have been married 25 years and just found out my husband has been having an affair with a co-worker for 14 out of the last 16 years. I found it out thru cell phone records. He claimed to be this “Christian” man. His first wife cheated on him and he said it hurt so bad he would never do it to anyone else. He has one of those jobs where he gets called out frequently in the night that is why I did not suspect him for so long. Ten years ago a woman called our home late at night to speak to him and he told me it was this woman at work with a drinking problem who had called him for help and he lent her a book “Co-dependent No More” and that she had become obsessed with him. I was so stupid I bought the story. I had seen him loan the book out. Turns out this is the same woman. I just don’t get it. If I was willing to have an affair for 14 years I would want to be with that person. Her husband found out and divorced her. I just can’t believe all the devastation it causes in a family. My oldest brother is a shrink and he says my husband had the entire family fooled. I just wonder is there any one else out there who was fooled this long? What hurts so bad is he made the choices for my life for 14 years with a 3rd party yet did not tell me where I could have made my own choice. Lou

  253. This is the longest forum I have ever seen. Hurt,anger and despair is all that is here. I too was cheated on (emotional affairs), abandoned, and left with 3 kids (one disabled). At first my ex blamed me…not enough attention(emotionally not satsfied). The sex was great..but the passion was gone. Did I mention I worked f/t – had 3 kids all 4yo and under? One disabled? I now know it was selfishness and a good excuse.
    Then the 5 F’s became my life.
    The First time, I Forgave.
    The second time…I Filed.
    The third I …Forged on.
    The forth…….Fixed me.
    The fifth……..Forgot him.
    I know I said 5 but the sixth? I Flourish.
    The kids? Resent him, they yearn for a family. They dont feel safe at night – they are now 12,10 and 8. Sadly, he financially stripped us. I am attractive, thin, well endowed blonde as well…but those things are not what love is.
    Many times in marriages, you fall in and out of love. You struggle. Normal. What is not normal is when you seek outside the marriage for help or to seek out some “happiness”. It is cowardly. It is temporary. Try all avenues first….earn your way out. Then you get my respect.
    I did. I went to counseling (alone – he refused), read the materials, books..worked on me. Earned my way out of the marriage.
    The best things in life are truly those you work the hardest for. No reward is enjoyed if just solely given. You don’t appreciate a million dollars you are given, as much as a million you earned.
    For those on this forum that cheat or want to cheat and try to get us to see why its okay- stop posting. You are cheating us……using up valuable space for those that want help and advice not excuses and rationalizations.
    Start your own forum…not on “why so many cheat..” but “why we feel you should”. Band together, console one another, your going to need each other when you find yourselves alone and no family that respects or loves you.
    My last question is to those that cheat….
    WOULD YOU KNOWINGLY DATE ANOTHER CHEATER? A KNOWN CHEATER. WOULD YOU?
    If you really want to help…answer honestly.
    I appreciate the posts from those that cheated…and are honest about it, recognize the mistake and are at least taking responsibility. You truly are a better person and have earned my respect.

  254. I am not sure whether this point has already been voiced, but I would prefer not to read through vast streams of sob stories about how awful someone’s husband was. So here goes:
    As a man, I can verify the idea that love and lust are, for us men, easily separated. Take a look at the ratio of men that have sex outside their relationship. Take a look at the (even higher) percentage of gay men that do the same. We are animals and in the animal kingdom, sexual monogamy is not typical. As Dave Taylor points out, however, we as humans can force ourselves to fight it.
    When I get the urge to boink some chick, its not about emotions. Its not about whether she makes me complete. There’s no friggin connection with our souls. Its a transactional feeling of lust. And it passes as quickly as a man can orgasm. Which is why a man can “cheat” on you even though he loves you. He doesn’t want to have to cheat on you, in fact you may have been his object of lust for some time. But no amount of “10 ways to make your guys toes curl” from your latest issue of cosmo is going to change the fact that sex was meant to spread your seed and so naturally men are driven towards trying new sex partners. This is instinctual behavior.
    You can deny Angelina Jolie’s half naked body at your doorstep and once temptation has passed you WILL thank yourself for fighting the urge in possibly the way a fat man might feel after escaping from a dessert isle without shoving something in his mouth. But like the fat man, you will never know how good that muffin tasted.
    I truly believe society has us living pretty far from what is natural. But that is another discussion altogether.

  255. Once a man has cheated is it possible for him not to cheat again? I feel like my life is surrounded by cheaters. Every man I know has cheated at least once or twice, some even excessively. Can a man really stop this behavioral pattern? Is it worth trying to salvage a relationship with some one who cheated or should you just move on. Please help!
    PS most of the women I know who cheat have dads who cheated and have been hurt previously its such a vicious pattern.

  256. I just found out my husband was cheating, we have been married for 6 years have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. We hardly ever fight, we have what I thought was open communication,but when I found out he said it had been going on our whole marriage. He says that is just how he is, that I should have known because we were friends before and he cheated on girlfriends. So what I cheated on boyfriends, but not a husband that I love more than anything. I don’t understand how he could do this. I of course am leaving, because he didn’t say he was sorry and even told me he wouldn’t change. I would even be willing to work it out if he changed and went to counseling, but he won’t do that. He was my best friend and my lover and I have never felt so betrayed.

  257. Woman most times are so involved with their home life ….they treat it like a business and look at their husband as simply the bread winner…If this is you…..read carefully…! YOU are a fool. I am sleeping with your husband and soon you will feel his distance and be alone. Get pissed! But keep reading…see He doesn’t have the balls to tell you that he is unhappy and you can’t break out of your social rut to see why you are driving him away and into my bed. See what I have found is that as men age, they begin to connect like we did as women and start to form emotional bonds. Unfortunately it is after they have been acknowledged at work by “that womanâ€? or when they have had a decent adult conversation with “the other womanâ€? that they start to connect. He ends up in bed with me.
    Let’s pause and understand your competition. I think you will be shocked and amazed at what he is going for.
    See, I guarantee you are smaller than me. I am the busty semi plus size blond that works with your husband and I probably make more money than him. I smile a lot and joke a lot. I am free to laugh without judgment. His jokes do not make me mad. I don’t give him the silent treatment and “cut him offâ€?. I jab back with quick whit and sass. Trust me, he appreciates my quick whit no drama rather than going home to find his skinny wife that will bitch him out for not taking out the garbage on trash day. Suck it up. It is true.
    I work and you work out.
    Your clothes are tailored and laundered professionally by the local cleaners…..the one you order extra starch for your husband’s shirts. Me, well I am lucky to have a clean thong but that shirt you paid $3 for is on my floor and he gazes at me as if I created the universe. See, my ass is big but I dress it proudly with string. Yes it is true…thong. Get over it and buy one. He loves it and you will get over the fact it is uncomfortable. Divorce is uncomfortable. Thongs will not kill you and any ass looks better in a thong.
    Put your big ass in a thong…..actually hold that thought…again that is a chapter I will address specifically later and I will fix more than your adversity to ass floss. There’s so much more.
    Men like confidence in a woman. They don’t see stretch marks or cottage cheese. They like to see you smile and love to hear you laugh at their stupid jokes…they love it when you have a passion about SOMETHING OTHER THAN YOUR KIDS….i.e. charity, church, running, whatever….
    I have read most of the posts here…..again you will probably beat me up…but I have licked my own wounds as the “other woman” and it sucks. I want to be you….I want to have his children and make him smile. I am more jelous of you than you could ever be of me because I am only getting a tiny bit of what you are entitled to as his wife and get daily.
    It pisses me off that you won’t realize how good you have it and appreciate him like you should.
    SHAME ON YOU AND YOU NEED TO FIX IT
    Men…get over the whole sow your oats thing….you need to reconnect with your wife. Because I can assure you, I am totally sleeping around on you as your mistress…..how much emotional support is THAT!
    Bottom line,
    women, dont get fat
    men, dont get lazy with your wife
    couples love eachother….
    Homewreckers….come with me back into the shadows and let’s support love in others so that maybe one day we can have something that is real and great.

  258. Sorry I meant to post this BEFORE the other post….
    It’s in my own experience that I distastefully write this…..I am most womens’ worst nightmare…I have your mans attention. Not visually or sexually for the most part, but like a stealth, friendship with your husband was easy and under the radar. You will hate me and love me at the same time.
    What you really need to know is that I am you and you could be me. What you don’t want to hear is why your husband just fantasized about me while being with you. If you are reading this….please be aware that I am not proud of being the other woman nor do I set out to wreck your home. But the duality of it all has encouraged me to speak out and unveal the unpleasentries of an unhappy, unsexed, overly businesslike home. See it is not my MO to take your man or to wreck your home. But what you need to know is why he is actually fantasizing about me to begin with and more importantly how to stop it from ever happening.
    Please be ok with the fact he hasn’t passed you up to be with me nor is he in love with me. He simply FEELs that he loves me. He is in love with you. What I know better and you do as well is that he is missing something. That special something that somehow that the both of you lost.
    Possibly it was with the evolution of the married couple that it was lost….3 kids, 10 years, stress of money, work, school, etc. All of which are normal stresses of life and I will address those beautiful pitfalls you guys call “blessingsâ€? a bit later.
    But for now shame on you. Shame on you both. Shame on you for sacrificing and sabotaging your sex life, love life and all intimacy because you are trying keep up with the jones’s. You have both got so caught up in day to day BS that you have BOTH become A-sexual. While you get off on the fact you have a better purse than the next mini van driver, your husband just got off in the bathroom at work after he sat across from me in the conference room and I chewed on a sharpie lid a little too long.
    Get a grip people. If you would take your focus off your neighbors, coworkers, friends, church members, ect. long enough maybe you would realize how much you both are worth and actually have an active, fruitful sex life.

  259. homewrecker,
    I am the skinny, well endowed blonde who DID wear a thong. My sex life was not what made my husband wander. I paid attn to my ex, I did work and workout and I never turned down sex. I did not try to keep up w/the Jones. I required nothing and asked of very little. I did make some fatal errors..such as talking to family members about the first affair…which caused a rift in our marriage but let me say if it takes as LITTLE as you suggest for a man to cheat… a thong and some attention…SHAME on you both. You are seeking only temporary comfort in the fact someone paid a little attention to you for a boost in your self esteem. You seem to love the idea of conquering and yet you are saddened you do not have the ability to have a healthy long term relationship. Loyalty is what you seek – and yet you test others?
    As little as 20 yrs ago..men had values. They raised their families, supported their wives, took pride in their work. Todays culture supports “do it if it feels good” values. We as a society are encouraging the selfishness and families are being destroyed. Children are the casualties and the next generation will suffer even more. We need to change. I need to change and you need to change.
    Homewrecker = this is not a game, a challenge or a conquest. This is not some movie where you see your role as a “vixen”. This is REAL life. It is hard and it is a challenge. It is more of a challenge to resist temptation and work on a marriage than it is to easily cheat because it is easier.
    I am sorry if this sounds harsh, and I appreciate your post becuz it helps me to understand the “other woman”. However, I dont understand any more than before. I can understand you take joy in conquering and the quest – it is fun for you – becuz you dont see the aftermath. You are not in the home looking into the childrens faces, seeing the hurt the betrayal of why their parents are getting a divorce. People say children are resilent…BS. Many adult children of divorce will tell you they “appeared” resilent at the time but have many, many deep scars as adults. Abandonement, trust issues, emotional issues deep seeded that emerge later….and all becuz one parent sought out some attention? Children are not really resilent – they are just burying it.
    My ex had emotional affairs. The emotional connection you speak of. Not physical. They make that choice…they are distracted by women who make them feel good…(laugh, joke, confidence)build their low self esteem. They spend the energy on you and neglect their home life – wife feels it – becomes distant…cycle begins. I know many men who hire prostitutes for conversation only. Why? Communication has stopped, withdrawal and anger has set in. It is easier to start new with someone than to fix what is broken. Takes too much work, too much energy. They are now wounded and you swoop in like an eagle on wounded prey. Stand up for yourself girlfriend and stop seeking the wounded, broken prey and get a healthy one and you will no longer be jealous of “us”. You will then have what you seek. However, be aware you will never be able to fully trust now…because deep down you dont trust yourself.
    Thanks for the post and good luck.
    ~simplythetruth
    ps…blueballs – I liked your post and honesty..thanks.

  260. If you love someone, you won’t cheat. My Husband and I know a few people who have cheated on their spouses, and we constantly disagree over weather or not the man loves the woman. To me, how in the world could you do the most hurtful thing to the person you love the most in the world? Doesn’t make sense to me. Does your brain just shut off when you cheat? I don’t think so. And then most men say not telling the wife is a good idea. I would want to be told, even if it did hurt. I wouldn’t wanna live with a cheater because you took a vow, why the hell do you want to save a marriage you didn’t honor? You didn’t want to when you were cheating, we now?

  261. First of all I want to thank you, Dave, for setting this page up. This is an amazing ongoing feed that has opened my eyes in many ways.
    I am married to an AMAZING man. He is confident, sucessful, smart, passionate and giving. I could go on. We are extremely open. I am very patient. When men say women won’t understand the truth..its true. Truth is a very hard pill to swallow. But if one learned to listen to their partner, they will find out more about their partner, and what they expect from their marriage. Even if it hurts.
    Our sex is explosive. But yet he still craves attention from other women. He’s a flirt. He’s funny and smart, and very attractive. Yes, he may flirt to build confidence, he may chat with girls online, and watch porn. I can accept this as a character trait that I should take little offense to because I am the one married to him…sometimes I’m jealous of myself.
    My eye opener was when my best friend openly suggested herself to my husband…in front of me. I was mad at him, not at her. I compared myself, my esteem sank and I became protective of myself…in self defense. But I realized this action is very suffocating for a man. Homewrecker was right. Men love confidence in a woman. I was lacking that. I am at the beginning of my career, I am changing from a young woman in her late 20’s to a woman. By no means will I accept a cheating husband…he is free to leave me if he feels the urge.
    I am beautiful inside and out. His friends and family love me. We give each other support. But what we are lacking is a social network of trusting people. People who will support us and back us…like a checks and balance system. Not a spy, but honest friends.
    If my husband ever changed who he was, I would feel like I ruined a perfectly good man. Is a man meant to be monogamous? I cant answer that question, but we made a commitment to make it work.
    Like men, woman crave attention too. I could walk down the street and receive 7 compliments about my legs, but I am rather annoyed at the amount of men who need to verbalize this. Because I respect our marriage.
    I am a married woman. He is a married man. It doesn’t seem to make much of a difference for people like Homewrecker, but that is why she’s only the one night stand…not the one waking up every morning, to his soft skin and firm embrace.
    One can rationalize a mans behavior in 1001 ways, but even a man seeking an emotional relationship outside of marriage, burns a woman inside.
    This is my first marriage. I am learning how to make it work too…don’t forget that. Because I love him. Truly. But all of that can be taken away, just as fast as it was given.
    I have found no justification in writing this, simply because it doesn’t make any difference to you….So I must tell him directly. And I will.

  262. I was wondering what if your wife tells you if you are horny go jerk off. Then says you get enough sex more than most people. Yet inside the fire is burning the need is there over and over. Someone is sweet to you and you are tired of the same old stuff, but you are her best friend what do you do? If she only new the feeling that burns inside and even when she so called takes care of you how lame the sex. Where you have trouble getting it up because you know she is only doing this and it isn’t fun for her. It takes all the excitement out of sex. I know having an affair is moraly wrong. I understand the facts of will power,I also know that the fire will not go away the desires are there for her and she rejects you time and again, what do you do leave her? What if you can’t there is so much more than sex but the desire is still there. Yes I am confussed and not sure what to do. I do love her and it is getting old the same old thing. I have tried talking and tried to understand and fight the erge everday. please help me understand that I can’t change the fire inside of me and that if I felt she wanted me more then I would not be browsing around for a different answer. that is all for now

  263. Joe She cant understand this feeling. Before you step over the line try to find a good marriage counselor. Do all that you can in your power to work this out with her first. Then you earn your way out if it ends that way.
    Sometimes…may not be your case….women are resentful over something else and it comes out as withdrawal and rejection….check into these things first.
    I wish you the best and it is good to see a man who is trying so hard instead of giving into impulses and temptation at the drop of a hat.
    I respect you.

  264. Ok I have been reading this stuff for like an hour. I feel for those that have been wronged in the past for I have been there as well and let me tell you it sucks. But you know what guys all you can do is keep your head up and keep on going even though it feels like all odds are against you. But do keep in mind that there is a little thing in this world called KARMA and damn is it a bitch. Those who wrong the ones that they say they love will get whats coming to them. Not only will they get whats coming to them but it comes back to bit you in the ass 3x as bad as what you have done to someone else. For those that lives have been turned upside down from a cheating husband or wife just try your hardest to keep going in life and do what is right for you. If it causes you more pain to be with out that person, but you can live with yourself for staying with them. Then do it because it makes you happy. Someone once told me and I will never forget it ” ALL MEN ARE ASSHOLES YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND THE ONE THAT YOU CAN PUT UP WITH”

  265. I am in desperate need of help and some stern talking to, you see I talk my friends but I want a poing of view from people who don’t know me or him. Well I am a married female who has an incarcerted husband and at this point I am sexually involved with an extremely handsome married man who is 13 years my senior. My problem is I know this is wrong on so many levels especially when the man I am having an affair with knows my husband. You see I have tried to leave this man alone because I believe he is dangerous in as he will have sex with anyone because he believes he can but I always fail.
    I do not in any way want to take him from his wife as a matter of fact I feel sorry for her and her kids because this man really direspects her so much so that he has called her while we were having sex and often tells me how much better the experience is with me than her and I feel bad but sometimes I just get in my selfish phases to the point I don’t care but I know this is not right. We work together but on seperate floors and whenever I see him I melt, I just don’t know how to stop myself maybe I have self control issues I wouldn’t doubt that but it would help me to read the opinions of outsiders about my situation and how I should go by ridding myself of this situation because right now I just feel so weak. Due to the situation I am going through with my husband I am lonely and trying to be the good and faithful wife but it is hard esspecially if I can not talk to him but twice a month and I haven’t touched him or seen him in over 5 years now. I know that karma is something I will eventually have to deal with as my husband is 5 years younger than I am and frankly I don’t know how he will react when temptaion rears its ugly head to him when he comes home, I just don’t know how to deal with this situation anymore can someone please give me some advice of what they think about my situation it would be most appreciated and would really help me out.
    Thanks,
    Confused

  266. Confused
    First you need to be deciding if you really want to stay with your husband. If you choose to then you need to control yourself around other men. First of all the guy that you’re messing around with sounds like an asshole. No offense. But if he can call his wife while you guys are in the middle of that shows that he has no respect for her or you. And if you felt as bad for his wife as you say you do then you wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. I don’t think it has anything to do with control. To be honest it is being selfish. I know because I was in that situation at one time. Plus do you work with this guy or something? If not what makes you think that you have to see him? If you think he is dangerous because he will have sex with anyone doesn’t mean that you have to be that someone. If you think that what you are doing is wrong (which it is on many levels) then get your act together and say no its really not as hard as you would imagine it to be. Get a vibrator or something if you want to be faithful to your husband. They don’t talk back either.

  267. Ok I need some help and I don’t know where else to turn but to people that have been through some of the same stuff that I have. I have been cheated on many times and am still in the game of dating. I am with this amazing guy that I have been seeing for about seven months now and things seem to be going pretty good. You know we have our problems like money and stuff like that to deal with but I have been messed with and walked on so many times in the past that I am having a hard time fully trusting him with any other women. I mean it’s bad I don’t like him talking to them or anything. Some people say that it has to do with self a steam but I know that I am I good looking women and that I do have stuff to offer a man but I just cant get over the fact that he might be doing something behind my back. I just don’t know what to do but I know that if I continue to think that he is doing something and it ways on my mind there’s a chance that I could end up pushing him away from me. I don’t know what to do about it. How do you get over that fear? Or do you just have to deal with it?

  268. I know this is a three year old article, but wow where do I find a man as devoted as the guy who wrote this? I am 26, the mother of two wonderful baby girls, still fit, I do all in my power to keep thier father happy. Yet he continuously cheats on me with older women and when he is not actually cheating he is answering adult personals. This has damaged me emotionally, I know I am not ugly by any means but I feel ugly inside, worthless, and like a failure. I have left him repeatedly but we always get back together. It has been a vicious toxic cycle that is really self destructive and unfortunately is most likely making a poor impact on our babies. The reasons for keeping him around is that we used to be really great friends, which is how we ended up together, obviously the friendship is not what it used to be because I do not trust or respect him in the least. BUt I still want him in my life because I have a deep need to keep my family together, screwed up as it is. We never fight (yelling, cussing, hitting), we always settle things through text, emails, or the occasional calm conversation. He makes empty promises and always fails to keep them. I should add he is bipolar and refuses treatment. Either way this relationship is horrible and has left me jaded and bitter. Another reason I stick around is that it is almost easier to just accept the way he treats me than it is to go through this with someone else. This is where the damage comes into play. Prior to being a mother I was strong willed, independent, completely against cheating, and way into settle down and getting married. Now I over look his cheating and end up kissing (guilt free which is weird)other more attractive guys nearly every time I get a rare night out with my friends. This relationship has gone against every part of my moral and value system and leaves me thinking that all men are untrustworthy cheaters. However after reading this article and some of the comments I must say it is nice to know there are men who do not cheat on their loving and trusting families. I think my best bet is to swallow the failing of not keeping my family together and just go be alone until I find someone who will be faithful and good to my kids and I. If I never find that person, oh well, at least I can be true to myself.

  269. I can only add my story to this….
    I have cheated on my wife, slept with 3 other women. why? I wanted to have sex and so did the other woman. My wife didn’t. That’s it. I tried to remain faithful and pleasure myself, even not ask her for sex and sleep on the couch when I knew she didn’t want me to touch her. She asked me why and I told her because I was too horny to sleep next to her and not be able to touch her. She didn’t believe me. And if I try to do something nice she would ask me why I was doing this. She found some pictures I exchanged with people, none of me but all pornographic, but I didn’t sleep with anyone I traded pics with. And I had phone sex with some people, but never had physical sex with them. I told her early in our relationship that we could define the relationship however she wanted. She could have a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever else she wanted. I told her I would be happy to help with any fantasy or role play or sexual request she asked for. She wanted no one, had no fantasy and no interest in role play. I gladly give oral knowing that I won’t get any,never have, ever, in return. I want her to orgasm before me and to have multiple orgasms in one night, hour, session whatever. I work hard to do so. play with her, kiss her, use toys on her. She has only recently started working and takes care of the kids (2). She never once initated sex. She drops her arms after a minute or two of hugging. It wasn’t like this before we got married, 12 years ago. I’m the bad guy?

  270. My husband and I were the very best of friends, buddies, lovers, and parents until he was advanced in rapid succession in the military. People saw us as “The Ideal Couple” and looked to us for inspiration in their own lives. How did it become permissible for him to believe that he was suddenly better than anyone, above punishment, and that our marriage was hopeless for years??? That sounds like a complete psychological breakdown that manifested from severe ego buid up and losing focus of reality. And why were his mistresses so ugly and unattractive? Was it pity? And why is he feeling so remorseful now, because he got caught and kicked out of the military? Why am I still here with him? If it weren’t for our children, I would have killed myself long ago. Then again, if we didn’t have any children, it would have been much easier for me to leave; and maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so much pain from the betrayal. What does cheating do? It makes the cheated spouse question her own self worth. Wow, my husband must still mean a lot to me for me to feel so strongly about our marriage.

  271. okay, so i am not a guy but i need to know why my guy is doing the things he is doing and what i should do – leave or stay? we are together for 2yrs, engaged for 1yr. he was amazing in every way. i really love him but he has, in the last few months become addicted to cybersex, he felt up my bestfriend and tried to kiss my sister (the last two – he was drunk). he used to be sensitive and so close to me and now he acts like a complete jerk. he still wants to get married to me tho which i am finding dfclt to go thru with. even after i found out and cried cos i was so hurt, he did not bother to say anything. our sex life was awesome. we could do it like 2-3 times a day everywhere and now he just doest feel like it. i think he needs variety of women but what the hell man, what did i do? pls guys, give me some kind of answer cos i gotta either cancel the wedding or learn to live with this horrible person he has become. wil he change and how can the change happen. i am an attractive, financially well off young woman and really, i could get a date in a sec so what is wrong with my man?????????????????

  272. “Marriages aren’t chiefly about sex, still many divorces are.” If you really want some breathtaking perspective on this pick up a copy of “Sex, Secrets & Lies.” Personally, I can’t fathom why somebody would throw away a deeply valued, fully functioning marriage where real love and commitment has been built over a lifetime of shared experiences simply because one spouse has sexual needs that are no longer compatible with the other. God didn’t create all of us equally. Who has it easier – the partner who has no libido and finds sexual exclusivity easy to accomplish, or the partner who is positively “driven” sexually and occasionally has a non-attached fling? So it’s a lie? Everybody manages relationships with half-truths and lies by omission – especially the most important relationship in our life. There’s no other way to do it and maintain those relationships. Don’t think so? Then tell your boss, co-worker, or even your closest friend ALL of your personal secrets? Of maybe just the one you are most ashamed to admit. Don’t have any? Check your pulse.
    There are so many vices to choose from and so many people suffering from them. Drinking, drugs and addictions of all varieties. It seems a supercharged libido is a trivial matter in the grand scheme of things. Betrayal? Please. Why are sexual exclusivity and monogamy considered one in the same? Do they really have to be? Even when one partner’s libido takes an early retirement? And why does the “to forsake all others” part trump the “until death do us part” part? Learn about the history of sexual exclusivity and you will find that it was born out of circumstances that may not be relevant for everyone today.
    Plenty of so called “good” people make choices that are contrary to the knee-jerk moralists who are writing here.
    No judgment here either way. Do as you please, but be kind to people.
    Yes, I’ve “cheatedâ€? if that’s what you want to call it. But on the subject of honesty and integrity I will tell you that I wouldn’t so much as fudget an expense report and never have. Have you?
    We don’t understand the sexual and mating habits of rats. Why should we think we have people all figured out?
    Life is complicated.

  273. “Marriages aren’t chiefly about sex, still many divorces are.” If you really want some breathtaking perspective on this pick up a copy of “Sex, Secrets & Lies.” Personally, I can’t fathom why somebody would throw away a deeply valued, fully functioning marriage where real love and commitment has been built over a lifetime of shared experiences simply because one spouse has sexual needs that are no longer compatible with the other. God didn’t create all of us equally. Who has it easier – the partner who has no libido and finds sexual exclusivity easy to accomplish, or the partner who is positively “driven” sexually and occasionally has a non-attached fling? So it’s a lie? Everybody manages relationships with half-truths and lies by omission – especially the most important relationship in our life. There’s no other way to do it and maintain those relationships. Don’t think so? Then tell your boss, co-worker, or even your closest friend ALL of your personal secrets? Of maybe just the one you are most ashamed to admit. Don’t have any? Check your pulse.
    There are so many vices to choose from and so many people suffering from them. Drinking, drugs and addictions of all varieties. It seems a supercharged libido is a trivial matter in the grand scheme of things. Betrayal? Please. Why are sexual exclusivity and monogamy considered one in the same? Do they really have to be? Even when one partner’s libido takes an early retirement? And why does the “to forsake all others” part trump the “until death do us part” part? Learn about the history of sexual exclusivity and you will find that it was born out of circumstances that may not be relevant for everyone today.
    Plenty of so called “good” people make choices that are contrary to the knee-jerk moralists who are writing here.
    No judgment here either way. Do as you please, but be kind to people.
    Yes, I’ve “cheatedâ€? if that’s what you want to call it.
    We don’t understand the sexual and mating habits of rats. Why should we think we have people all figured out?
    Life is complicated.

  274. Jam and Want More: This is an incredibly difficult position to be in. My long-term boyfriend was once my best friend and the best lover I can imagine. We got together the wrong way, yes, because we started dating while he was still ending it with his now ex-gf. He cheated on me, and I stayed. A mistake? Perhaps, yes. But we worked on things and the relationship kept getting better and better as we matured.
    Now, though, he has started to gain weight and lose interest in sex, which I never thought was possible for him. I don’t care that he no longer has a great body, it doesn’t matter to me because I love him and still want him. But he can’t stick with an exercise program in case that’s affecting his sex drive, and won’t see a therapist in case it’s something psychological. I’ve stopped pressuring him for sex, because I don’t want him to feel guilty and inadequate. I am a young, successful, attractive woman, though, and having sex maybe once a month, mostly because he knows I want it, is driving me insane. I don’t leave him, because I’m all that’s keeping his life together, and because there’s no one I would rather spend my time with than him. He is one of a kind, and makes me laugh like no one can.
    Ideally, we’d go see a counselor, and find a way for him to work through whatever is killing his libido. But he insists that there’s no problem, he just doesn’t really want sex. He’s affectionate, loving. But it’s hard for me to communicate with him when I’m slipping into depression and can’t emotionally lean on him anymore since he’s come to rely on me so much. He’s spending more and more time hanging out with his friends, while I have too much work to cultivate a circle of friends of my own, leaving me both frustrated and very lonely.
    Enter a friend of mine from work. We’ve never done anything inappropriate, but the fact is that it’s hard to stop talking to someone who worships the ground you walk on when you’re lonely and starting to feel like a glorified babysitter for your mate. We’ve come close to kissing on several occasions, but never have, and we’ve discussed why. Having been cheated on by my formerly oversexed boyfriend, I don’t want to now turn around and visit the same unspeakable pain on him, even if it’s more than he did for me.
    But… it’s a dilemma, isn’t it? I’ve always had more of a sex drive than any other girl I know. He’s changed, but unfortunately I haven’t, and although he still occasionally wants oral, he never returns the favor and doesn’t want to expend any sort of energy on my behalf, but feels hurt if I refuse him. I feel like I’m wasting my youth. Eventually children and age and stress will catch up to me. I don’t want to leave the man I love, but the resentment that builds from perpetual frustration is killing me.
    I guess I just want to say, I believe cheating is wrong, I’ve been damaged by it both through my parents’ marriage and my own relationship. As much as we’d like to say, sex is just pleasure and sometimes people have different needs, there is something real that happens between people when they have sex and you can’t ignore that. That having been said, there are times in people’s lives when making the wrong choice might not be unforgivable. Yes, condemn the sin. But the sinners… sometimes good people do bad things. We’re all human, and we just do the best we can. They say God will judge you when the time comes, so stop doing His job for Him.

  275. It will soon be 3 years since I found out my husband of 26 years had been having a long term affair. The family we had has now fallen apart. No one wants to be around us. My family can’t stand him. I have an auto immune disorder and my family has seen what his selfish lies and cheating has done to my health. Sadly the pain is still there every day. The shock has worn off. I wish I had never met him. Cleaning up the mess is very difficult. But it is unbelieveable the number of peoples lives that have been affected by his evil ways. As for his whore. Who knows, who cares, she will and so will he get what comes to them. What is sad is the people that received pain from all of this yet they were totally innocent. Cheaters, not only cheat on their mates, they lie to their families and friends, they cheat at work, lie continuously, have no self respect, put their needs above all others and are not worth the time to have a relationship of any form with. Why? because they are lying to you, themselves and the entire relationship you have with them is a falsehood. They are not who you think they are. Your relationship was just an illusion. They won’t ever be who you thought they were, nor will they ever be because they choose to devalue you and your so called relationship by not being trustworthy. Spend time being a true friend to yourself and rid your life of such unnecessary pain. You will never truly be “Happy” with that person again because you know in your heart what evil lies within them and what they are capable of. You are better off alone.

  276. Hi everyone, on the 1st November 2008 my 28th Wedding Anniversary, my husband had asked relatives and our girls’s boyfriends over for a lunch for the special day. Only thing was for the previous month or so he had been acting differently. Going to bed very early, not wanting to initiate sex, receiving lots of text messages and smug little looks at his phone when he received a message (he never texts his children or me). I tell you I never really believed in woman’s intuition, now I do. So on the morning of our anniversary, I did something I swore I would never do, look at his phone text messages. The dumbass deleted his inbox and not the sent messages box and there was the whole sordid affair. The worst morning of my life, having to confront him and then he tried to deny it and I told him not to be stupid, I had looked at his phone. Well he packed a couple of bags, he then had to phone the people he had invited over, then he had to tell our beautiful 19 and 21 year old girls, the devastion on their faces was almost enough for me to want to stay with the cheater. 25 days later and I still cry. This is the man that I would have bet my children’s lives on as NOT AND NEVER WOULD be a cheater. If he can cheat, anyone can cheat, at least that is the way I feel. Devastion, loneliness, betrayal, shame, anger, dirty, my way of life will never be the same, so many emotions to work through. Please if you want to cheat, leave the relationship first. If you love the person you are with then try and work it out. Don’t stay for the sake of the children or because it is convenient. Don’t be a cheater. Our girls won’t speak to him and I do encourage them to talk to him. They feel just as betrayed as I do. He says it was fling, an accident and wants to work things out. An accident is a one night stand, not an affair that has gone on for some months. How can I work things out with this person, who I was going to grow old with, how do I do that? I read what he texted her. How he loved her, all the stuff they did together when they were having sex. I can’t get any of it out of my mind. Some days I feel like I can’t breathe, some days I just feel pathetic. BUT I will be fine, I will get through this, what else can I do????

  277. Ok , I hope Im not too late to the party here. But really… there seem to be alot of men bargaining this ” I have this uncontrollable urge”. Wake up! Women do too otherwise you wouldnt have opportunities to cheat. My guess is that even Judy above has been in several situations where she encounter a man (not her husband) and was attracted, intrigued or filled with some personal admiration for ‘another man’. She may not have acted on it, given she’s a bit less selfish about herself and prior commitments to her husband, but the point is, she may infact felt many of the same emotions her husband did when he encountered someone of the opposite sex. The difference, he acted on it and she didnt. Case closed on that one. In all honesty, as a female, I also have found myself in this possible siutation of attraction and intrigue with men outside of my relationship. What I’ve found is the longer I dont act on it, the longer episode of fun and self realization I offer myself. When I’m anxious I can mentally go to ‘that place of acting on it” and it can be just the distraction I need for a blah day. I dont think men and women are as different about this topic as people think. We all get ‘hot’ and bothered and attracted to others of the opposite sex. I think its more of a topic of fantasy verses reality. Do you want your fantasies to be reality and how often to you act upon them to make them true if not short lived. I personally believe ‘thinking’ about doing it is sometimes more detailed and fun than actually doing it. Good luck guys!

  278. I would like to say that no one should judge what another does because they are not wearing the same shoes. Love is something that can be shared in certain situations that really has no mean motive. In certain situations it helps. This should not be a black and white issue – love has many shades of grey. If the intentions are genuine, mutual, respectful, and helpful to the partners and their families by keeping things stable, then others opinions can be harmful. It just depends on the circumstances and the people involved. Intent and purpose is at the core of these matters – sometimes the intentions are for honorable reasons that others just do not understand. If one is being selfish, addictive, or uncontrollable, then it is wrong and destructive. In some cases, it is not destructive, no matter what society, church, or psychologists say.

  279. I’m not a man, but I can tell you this. People in general don’t cheat because they are not getting something at home. They cheat because they are allowed to cheat. Besides the fact that they are curious about the other person, they’re allowed to cheat. Think about it, a woman or man is having an affair with a married man or woman, he/she is allowing him to cheat. Then there is the woman or man who forgives her husband or his wife over and over again for cheating, he/she too, is allowing him/her to cheat. As long as a person is allowed to cheat, they will. Don’t get me wrong, some do cheat because they are missing something at home. I know of a couple where the woman is battle with cancer, her husband cheats on her because they are not making love anymore. So, what does he do? He looks for it outside the marriage. There are other reasons people cheat, but when it boils down to it, it’s because they are allowed to.

  280. You can use all the justification you want, but simply put, if you cheat, you are willing to forfeit the relationship and don’t care enough about your spouse or their feelings. If that’s the case, get out of the relationship and spare them the horrible, stabbing pain that will happen when they find out.

  281. CM from Nov 24th—100% agree with you!
    Hypocrisy is so rampant nowadays…
    Be honest to yourself and your needs, but also be honest to your spouse. I would rather my boyfriend tell me of his intentions to cheat/affairs than just lie to me…why? because if I knew what he was up to, heck, I’d be hooking up with my hot volleyball friend too (which I’m not because I play by the rules and value my relationship because the sex is so meaningful and 100 times better that with any random guy).
    What bothers me about cheating is that it’s a double standard!! Cheaters usually don’t tell their spouse…so “she or he wouldn’t get hurt”. Nope, it’s so you wouldn’t get kicked out of the bedroom, darling!! Guess what–if having fun on the side is so great (and everyone is SOOOOO tempted that they cannot resist), why are you preventing your loyal (I’m making assumptions here) spouse from having this fun too? Not that all spouses would want to, but that would at least establish some kind of balance by giving him/her the choice to indulge his/her instincts too). Ooops, or would that make you slightly uncomfortable, the thought of someone else caressing your loved one’s naked body and pleasuring him or her over and over again? Either way, it’s only fair to let the other side know where things stand so the spouse doesn’t work hard to maintain loyalty while you’re letting yourself loose. SHe/he is doing all the hard work, she/he is able to keep in their pants…or do you think your spouse doesn’t have desires and sexual urges towards other people just like you do?
    Now, about the changing the rules–if you’re married, it’s usually too late in the game to do so. YOU wanted to say those vows and YOU said them. Talk to your spouse about an open relationship…it’s hurtful but it’s honest, and less hurtful than a lie. at least you love him/her enough to actually let them know what you are doing and take on the responsibility.
    For all you young ones out there, think long and think hard before you marry! Because more likely than not, cheating will occur, people will get hurt. Today’s marriage is a sham except in what, 10% of the cases? Read these posts, read about these broken marriages and realize that monogamy takes work!! To many people monogamy isn’t worth it, what they get out it doesn’t make the cost worthwhile. It doesn’t mean that they won’t marry you, but in the end they’ll renege on their intentions/promises/vows, or you might do so yourself. So think twice before entering an agreement that goes against baser instincts (sex) in favor of a nobler union…because it is an ideal that few actually achieve. So dispel your illusions otherwise you will get hurt, and hold your lover to human standards!!
    Just be honest! Live your life in such a fashion that you do no harm, and not hurt the people in your life, including yourself!!
    Unfortunately it is human to err, and human b beings love to experience pleasure with someone attractive and new (the sense of novelty is exciting). Men AND women cheat, but men can use the “we’re wired that way” excuse, while we women are just “sluts”. Aint that right?
    BILL—if you found out your wife was having orgasms with your neighbor, how would you feel? If you’re ok with that (which you might well be), why not let her know that she has that choice, since your’e doing the same thing? Maybe she might not want to, but choice is everything, and that would be the fair thing to do. Hypocrites…

  282. Toki’s post:
    It appears that, the person who wants and does cheat and hasn’t been caught yet, ie: no personal pain, loss, heartbreak are for cheating on their spouse, which really includes their family, and the person who has been victimized by a cheater is desperately trying to pull their life and the life of their children together to cope and go on. So..you have the carefree cheater, “I do what I wanna do…” who hasn’t been caught (but would undoubtedly go ballistic if he found out his wife was doing the same), and the struggling anti-cheater and/or victim of cheater, “I’m trying to get my life back”. Then why don’t all the cheaters hang out and get married, and all the decent non-cheaters hang out and get married? A new club…
    haha amen!!! cheaters unite, and leave us “boring asexual loyal” people alone. Then don’t marry us!!
    I know it’s hard to control who you fall in love with…but just do the right thing. it’s easy to unzip your pants for 6 mins of pleasure but anything in this world that is actually worthwhile takes effort, work, perseverance. Hey, if you’re not the type to sacrifice a little something for a great marriage, then don’t get married!!

  283. I agree with the statement “if you’re unhappy in your relationship, fix it. If you can’t fix it, leave it.” Is so true and not usually followed, how sad for the people who trust those cheaters, thier trust is broken, self esteam shot and the cheater feels no remorse and rides away to the next cheating relationship. Its sad we can’t just be honest about our feelings with the one we have chosen to be in a relationship with in the first place!

  284. I’m a former single dad, and now married man. I’m gonna give it to you ladies straight, so PLEASE don’t take it personal. Many family men cheat on their wives because they find them annoying and unsexual. Keeping a man is the easiest thing in the world to do. Honestly. After kids, with the family bed, the “I’m overwhelmed/tired”, the widening flatening of your ass, the constant nagging, the dirty house, the un potty tained kid at 4, husbands just don’t wanna hear it.
    My exwife was like a lot of you, stayed home, did a worse job than previous generations of stay at home moms, got fat, constantly complained etc. I divorced her, took the kid, raised her much better (potty trained at two, no more family bed)and found another wife. She’s from Mexico,has a whole different outlook on life and I’m happy. My ex lives with her parents, still bitching and taking Prozac.
    Be you husband’s girlfriend, blow him, dont nag, DO NOT CUT ALL YOUR HAIR OFF, make him a meal now and then. He will walk thru snow on bloody stumps for you. OR listen to you bitter girlfriends and se where that gets you.
    He’s usually leaving you for an earlier version of yourself (and I don’t me age). Do your job or your husband will find someone to do it for you. If he’s got really big balls, he’ll take the kids too, because you may not be doing your job with them either. My ex wife was replaced as a wife and mother after repeated warnings. I’m almost done with the alimony now.

  285. Wow, Matthew… that was harsh. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I understand how you could say such things, now that I’m married. I’ve seen men (including my adulterous father) from afar since I was a child, but now that I’m married, I understand how men work and can at least see the valid concerns behind your words.
    I don’t think it is okay for men to cheat, even if their husbands make sure they don’t find out, ever. Yet, in the words of my husband, myself, and mentors of ours, it shouldn’t come to that! I don’t know if it’s because my mother’s generation grew up in the feminist movement or what, but I see no problem with both spouses agreeing to take care of themselves physically and placing value on what the other spouse deems important.
    My husband has had to learn to speak an emotional language that terrifies him, just because he married a woman. And I have had to come to terms with my own shortcomings and to accept that I can’t just throw out the “unconditional love” excuse. My very new grasp of marriage tells me that in general, the excuses I’ve heard thrown about by both men and woman are just shoddy masks for selfishness.
    Women need security, so I can’t agree with a mentality of “I’ll be faithful as long as she satisfies my needs.”
    Men have needs, too, though, so I can’t agree with a mentality of, “He must be happy even if I’ve put on a hundred pounds and leave the house a mess.”
    In other words, both partners should be dedicated to helping each other. If done right, marriage works great. If one looks to the self first, then eventually, neglect and adultery happens.
    Am I wrong? Is it possible to have a lasting marriage if both partners are committed like this? I certainly hope so!
    P.S. I had a father who waited “till later” for the divorce. Unfortunately for me he chose to tell me how long he’d been waiting to have an affair, which made me view my entire childhood as a farce. Don’t put off divorce. Either buckle down and get rid of the other woman, or divorce your wife, take the heat–including a lot of bile from your kids, who will hate you for awhile–and about five years later, accept a difficult, but eventually warm, relationship with them.
    No one wins when you are living a lie.
    Of course, I would hope that you might also give your wife a chance to change. I know many women, including my mom (who lost fifty pounds–too late) would kill for another honest chance.
    If not, it’s harder for me to say that you should honestly stay. But give your spouse a chance, and don’t insult the woman you might love in the future by making her the “other woman.” No one wins in that case but you–and by that, I mean your children suffer greatly, too–more than you could fathom.
    Hypocrisy is a much more crushing blow to a young girl than a man who is a jerk, but changes, in my experience and opinion. Trust it from someone who knows, especially if there is religion involved. Whatever your choices, face up to them, and do not live a lie.

  286. After 30yrs of marriage I discovered my husband cheated on me while on a business trip overseas with prostitutes (he had a threesome with two of them) after this he was filled with guilt but still went on began a friendship with several women he regularly saw while trevelling. None of these lead to a sexual relationship as he halted things before they went that far. So here I am trying ot decide if I want to remain married to this man. I knew something was wrong with him and tried everything to get through to him but it appears he was suffering from “mid-life crisis” but did not recognise it as such (what a cop out, a phrase invented by men to absolve themselves from any blame of the pure selfishness of cheating)
    Still don’t know if I want remain married or if I will ever trust again.
    As for those of you who say monogamy is not natural, if you feel that way DON’T GET MARRIED & then you can do whatever or whomever you want without causing anyone any pain.

  287. Oh, and the most sickening this about it all. One of the prostitutes was the same age as our eldest daughter and the other I doubt was of legal age!

  288. “What you dont know won’t hurt you.” As lame as this sounds, it’s true. I’ve been married for almost 5 years now; and on the verge of a divorce. Courthouse papers are at home; just waiting to be filled out and submitted. But for some reason, neither my husband nor I have the courage to actually go through with it. We have a 2 year old son; who is our world and is obviously the only thing keeping us together. I used to think that cheaters have no place in the world in my book. But I’m in a situation now where I am forced to look elsewhere.
    Cheating without getting found out or being discreet about is somewhat a form of utilitarianism. Less people get hurt – husband/wives and the children do not have to suffer the consequences of a divorce. Think about it, if you don’t know what is going on and you are in wedded bliss; why ruin it?

  289. The night our first child was born my husband left to go be with his “girlfriend”. The week he took off to “help” when she was born, he stayed gone most of the time. He always had good excuses too. My husband finally confessed to having an affair when my child was just over a month old because his girlfriend was jealous and was going to blow the whistle on him. I stayed in the marriage at the time because I was young, with a newborn, a long way from my family, and did not have the means to support my child. I also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I left him at that time that my daughter would never know her dad, he wouldn’t make the effort to build a relationship with her.
    Things got better for a while and then they got whole lot worse. I did leave him after I found out that he was having another affair. He worked the midnight shift for some extra money. He generally got home around 4-5am. One night he decided that he did not need to come home or call or anything. That night a freak blizzard hit. I was left not only worrying about him, but I was alone with 3 year old child, no electricity, wet fire wood, and the authorities had warned everyone to stay off the roads because they were frozen over. When he did finally call around 5pm that day, it was to say that he never lost power and did not know that things were bad. He had spent the night with his current “flavor of the month”. I moved out 2 weeks later with my daughter.
    After I moved out he broke things off with the other woman, spent a lot of time with me and my child, was very attentive to all of our needs at the time. After 3-4 months he convinced me that he wanted to make things work so I moved back in with him. Two years later our second child was born and he just became better at hiding his affairs.
    4-5 years ago I heard a message on our answering machine (the kids also heard it). I didn’t recognize the voice and we had had some messages for people that were the wrong number in the past. They did not leave a name or say the message was for a specific person. The message was apparently for me, it was garbled and difficult to understand but the gist of it was that my husband had been cheating with his wife and “you better put a stop to it”. My husband and I had several huge fights over the message. He of course denied any knowledge of what the caller had said or who the caller was. Since I couldn’t be sure and had no proof, I decided to believe my husband, although the suspicion was always there. It had been (to my knowledge) at least 10 years since his last affair.
    I recently discovered who the caller was and the call was true. My husband had an affair with one of the mothers of my youngest child’s ball team mates. My husband inadvertantly confessed to it. We had been talking about going some place and making jokes. I told him that he better be good. He made the statement that “Hey, I have been good for at least the last 5 years.” I told him we have been married 23 years and he should have been “good” the whole 23. He just shrugged his shoulders.
    I am looking back at our marriage now and wondering WHY. I am working through the decision of whether to stay or go ahead and divorce now. I have forgiven (you never forget the hurt because it NEVER goes away) as much as I can.
    Anytime we have talked about his affairs he always says that I didn’t do something. Either I wasn’t paying enough attention to him, I wasn’t keeping the house clean enought, I didn’t keep his laundry done like he likes all the time, I didn’t do this or I didn’t do that. HIS LACK OF COMMITTMENT AND COMPASSION TO AND FOR ME WAS NOT MY FAULT. I have had numerous opportunities to have affairs or even one night stands in the 23 years we have been married but when I made the committment to him to “forsake all others.” I meant it. That is the difference between us. I am not some weak willed and selfish person who thinks that I don’t have to live up to my committments.
    I still don’t know if I will divorce him or not. I have to weigh the consequences of divorce against what is best for my children at this point. I don’t know if it worth turning their lives upside down at this point or not. However, I DO KNOW that he has just killed any trust that he had earned back and I don’t think he will ever get it back again.

  290. Excuse me but the idea of cheating on your wife while staying together is just a ridiculous statement. You’re “staying” with your wife because you don’t want to hurt your chidlren with a divorce? So you are justifying being unfaithful. My father constantly cheated on my mother and remaied married to her. When I turned 17 I found out everything that my father had done, or at least everything that I could handle. For 17 years, up to that point, I thought he was a great man, when he was someone else entirely. You’re being a false person to your children. You are lying to them in order to save face. And what happens when they find out the truth? They realize that the “man” you were for most of their lives, is someone else. How do you think they will fair then? You are teaching your sons that it’s all right to cheat on their wives, that marriage means nothing. And you are teaching your daughters that everyone will cheat on them, because their dad is suppose to be the one to be there for them through everything, and is suppose to be the man to set an example for other men in their lives. But if their own dad can’t be an honest person, and put his penis aside, then those daughters are going to grow up thinking that every single man will cheat on them. I’ve dealt with this first hand. And I think it’s down right stupid to “stay with my wife for my kids sake.” Why don’t you just stop cheating on your wife for your kids sake, or get a divorce. It isn’t that hard to talk to your wife, unless she truly is difficult to deal with, and at that point, leave before you stick your penis into someone elses vagina.

  291. Does not matter how pretty a wife looks some men will get off on the opportunity to cheat when the opportunity presents itself…and yes the access and availability to porn online, on tv/cable and print do not help. Sandra Bullock is one of a plethora of lovely successful women that have been devastated by a cheating man that was addicted to feeding his ego with sex. Disease and heartache are not worth staying with knuckledragging cheating loser. Life is too short ladies.

  292. @JDaniels I feel for you…have been cheated on too but made the tough choices and left after 10 years of cheating and abuse. I would say to you leave…only because he is a pedophile…I mean that is sickening. He is lucky he is not in jail because in those Asian countries like Singapore , Phillipines, Vietnam, Laos etc. the are working with our govt to bust these sex holidays. Trust me his playing a losing game. You should cut your losses before he gives you a disease. Both my husbands were cheaters. Sex addicted cheaters. My ex # 1 did a threesome+ with some girls while he was stationed in Korea and brought home some diseases to me that penicillin could not cure…he died a number of years after our divorce at the ripe old age of 38…yes I said 38… so sad because he died the way he left the marriage…living like hell. You live hard and die hard…so I have recently found love again and it has been hard to trust because of the past hurts but I am trying. I have been divorce 11 years now and had given up on meeting a decent fellow(really difficult these days) and he came walking into my life. Men like him are usually never single, I lucked out; blessed really. He is the victim of a cheating ex-spouse too. He’s been divorced as long as I have. Needless to say we get each other. So far so good…so do not give up ladies there is hope because not all men cheat.

  293. Also another word of advice…men that have porn ADDICTIONS when they are younger can develop attractions to underaged and pedophilia proclivities later…my ex father-in-law was one such man. He was a nudist colonie, clothing optional, porno flick, womanizing, freak when he was younger. I room in his house was dedicated to his addiction(ginormous life size posters from wall to floor of naked women…)and when he got in his late 60s he was caught molesting an 8 year old girl. A friend of the family no less.
    Anyway, this sick bastard is now serving 10-13 years in the penitentary for this. He was a millionaire, with a good business rep and lost it all. He got what he deserved as I was vilified for pointing out this man’s obvious sex addict issues when I was married to his son. They treated this perv like the lovable drunk…not like the sick person that he was and is.
    So think hard ladies about staying with a man that is a sex addict. My ex husband and his brothers all struggle with sex addiction because of the influence. I have also noticed that men that are well endowed have huge egos to match their phalluses and tend to be more apt to cheat. I had one guy that I dated after my divorce tell me if he was well endowed he would be sticking it into everything he could…and this tool was a church going “Christian”. Alas that guy was never to live out his warped fantasy… I figured God knew what he was doing when he inflicted “microphallus” on that guy…
    Choose wisely ladies. But obviously from my previous example somewhere in the middle is best…else you have self esteem issues to deal with on one end of the continuum and ego issues on the other. Most men do not need an excuse to cheat and big phalluses just gives them that much more justification and cockiness(pun intended-lol)

  294. I walk into a grocery store and a candy bar is sitting there and wants to be eaten. I’m hungry. I should just grab it and eat it, right? It makes me happy. The store owner will be sad that I just stole from him, but the candy bar and me are pretty happy campers…
    Some of the justifications for cheating are pretty ridiculous. “It makes me happy so I do it.” Might as well steal to make yourself happy too, right?
    I sympathize with some of the guys who are faced with the horrible possibility of passionless sex for 30-75% of their entire adult lives. This sub-set of cheaters are being starved and I’m very sympathetic to their plight.
    To the guys who seem to have devoted wives who are trying their best in bed to satisfy their man: you’re just pigs. Keep your dick in your pants you selfish prick.
    To the girls who think sex is a chore and treat their man well in every other regard: It’s not enough. That’s like feeding your baby but never giving them water. Your husband is missing something VITAL!

  295. lol, why do women cheat? dont act like it doesn’t happen, or that it happens much less often than men cheating. in my opinion, humans are not programmed to be monogamous

  296. Why do people cheat? There are as many answers to that question as there are people on this earth. Oftentimes there are multiple reasons as to why someone chooses not be faithful to a mate. I have been married for 20 years and never once have cheated on my mate-nor have ever wanted to. Why? Because I am commited to my relationship with my husband, for better or worse. We work things out together, we are a team, we are each others best friends, we respect ourselves and one another, we share the same hopes and dreams and goals for what we want out of a our lives together. People who cheat don’t think like that about their marriages with their mates. They lack that true bond. People who cheat also put their needs over and above their mates in a very unhealthy, overly selfish way because they are overly self-centered and very immature emotionally and sexually. Therefore they aren’t good marriage material in the first place. In the beginning of a relationship when you’re “in love” oftentimes we ignore signs and traits in our partners that indicate that they aren’t good canidates for marriage and become blinded by our intense feelings and don’t accept reality. . Marriage is just like anything else, both of you have to compromise, make sacrifices, and work at it. you have to share the same values, goals, ideals and realistic expectations. I don’t think marriage is for everyone,but most people think that it is because that’s the way we where conditoned to think growing up. If you find yourself thinking about cheating on your mate its better if you don’t cause it’s not the way to solve anything that is going on within yourself or your marriage.

  297. I find all the comments about cheating being “natural” rather hilarious. If you want to use “it is my instinct to have sex with many people, I just can’t help it” as an excuse for infidelity, you are quite literally just an animal. Human existence begins when you embrace the things that separate your brain from that of a water slug, your ability to mentally OVERCOME YOUR INSTINCTS. No animal on the planet even comes close to a human-like existence, and it is because they do not have the level of higher brain function that we do. They do not have the ability to separate themselves from their instincts. (example: firemen run into burning buildings to save people in no way related to them, because they CHOOSE to. No animal would ever act in that fashion for another animal not directly related) To all the posters who mention that monogamy is against our nature, you are 100% correct. We are not designed to be naturally monogamous. It is in our evolutionary interest to have many partners. Yet, many people (according to statistics 40-50% of the population)exist in and uphold the tenets of their monogamous relationship. How? It is because they CHOOSE to ignore their instincts for the sake of something to which they have assigned greater importance; their relationship, their significant other. I am not condemning those who have yet to achieve the ability to rise above their instincts into a greater level of human existence, just suggesting that you should recognize your state, and not get involved in something you do not have the ability to handle (a committed relationship).
    It all boils down to the fact that we as humans have the ability to choose. You CHOOSE whether or not to get married, you CHOOSE whether or not to cheat, you CHOOSE whether or not to try and deceive your partner. Recognize that each of these cases represents a choice between instinct and higher brain function. So final proof: TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARGUE THAT CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE IS INSTINCT AND YOU CAN’T HELP IT, YOU CHOSE AGAINST NATURE WHEN IT CAME TO GETTING MARRIED INSTEAD OF SLEEPING WITH MANY PEOPLE, THEREFORE YOU CLEARLY HAVE THE ABILITY TO RISE ABOVE YOUR INSTINCTS, AND THUS YOU ARE CHOOSING TO BE UNFAITHFUL.
    Also for clarification, I have cheated and lied about it in the past (quite a bit actually)and have been cheated on. I currently am not married despite the fact that my partner wants marriage, because I do not yet feel I can commit to being 100% faithful for life, which is what he expects from a marriage. I have not cheated on him and we have been together for 3 years. Have I been tempted, oh god yes, yes, yes. I am so proud of the fact that I haven’t cheated in 3 years (I imagine this feeling is why recovering alcoholics count their days sober), it is truly an accomplishment for me. Cheating is very very easy and being faithful is hard, but I find my fidelity much much more rewarding than any of the hot and steamy encounters that eventually led hurting people I cared about.

  298. I was cheated on by a husband I thought was absolutely wonderful and in a wonderful marriage. According to him he was pursued and it was exciting and during a weak stage of his life, he didn’t pass it up..and he enjoyed this fantasy world for more than a year. He is full of remorse and says the guilt was torture and that he was and is very happy being married. He says he will be better about expressing his feelings, like “How about we create a little more excitement and spark?” I would have said, “Yes Baby. Let’s!” if I had known that was what he was feeling. Hey, I’m creative. I just didn’t know he was feeling a lack of excitement. (We feel those things too, by the way.) I am trying to keep the marriage together.
    But all of you trying to justify the need for extracurricular sex, ask yourself this question: Would you ever feel right about causing your wife to be in a horrible, traumatic accident that would cause her world to turn upside down and her to deal with the post traumatic stress for a long time, even possibly losing a limb or natural mobility? And, would you put your children in that accident-bound vehicle as well, causing them trauma that could take half their life to overcome? That is what it feels like to find out that even in a great marriage, your husband was lying and cheating and enjoying someone else while suddenly becoming distant and difficult at home…for months and months; that your husband, your children’s father is capable of putting himself above family to this extreme. It is traumatic and terrifying to realize how willing he was to destroy the marriage and family for his own selfish needs. It feels as if some part of you was torn off your body suddenly, and the memories of the trauma can cause tears and shaking and anxiety to come suddenly for while. I never realized how traumatic it was until it happened to me. I now have so much more sympathy for other spouses who have been through this. They aren’t whiners after all and it wasn’t their fault. SO, if you don’t enjoy being married to a woman who expects you to be monogamous and father to children who think of you as someone they can always depend on, then do the brave thing: get counseling to make sure that you do want to pursue a life focused on your desires instead of family, and if you do then divorce. Yes, it will painful to the wife and kids at first, but no where near as painful as deceit. If you divorce BEFORE an affair and give the family at least the respect of counseling, you will have remained honest to yourself and your wife and children. You can feel proud of your manhood then and yourself as a human who cares about others. Lying and cheating are for self-absorbed slinking cowards. You are definitely less of a strong man if you insist on living a double live that involves lying. It takes a lot of courage to be honest and wrestle with desire instead of letting desire lead you around. Be a man, not a weak boy toy. You are being used by self-absorbed women who just want to pursue their own desires without respect for the sanctity of family. But, if this IS the life you prefer, then politely and courageously get out of the marriage. Give your wife a chance to find a strong man to share her life with, one who is able to put marriage and family above his own desires.
    I also now think how odd it is, that in the state where I live, adultery is not a crime, but theft is. Having your husband cheat on you is as traumatic as someone attempting to murder you. I would be pissed if someone stole my purse, pissed and put out for about a week, maybe, then more careful. Adultery is so much more painful and difficult to get over and it destroys the foundation of family, which so many politicians say is the most important thing our society needs to succeed. So, make it against the law. That might provide the incentive for all the spouses that lack courage and self-discipline. It’s not against the law in my state probably because too many of the politicians involved in making the law realize they would have to suddenly grow balls.

  299. Also, in addition to my previous post. One of the hardest things to deal with now is the great disappointment in my husband I feel. I try not to let him see how I no longer see him as the wonderful guy I did for so many years. I try because our marriage was so wonderful for so many years that we deserve to try to save it. But, having worked through the anger and most of the pain, I am still left with this residual. He is able to still see it in my face sometimes and he is devastated. I wonder how long this will last? Theoretically, I know we are human, capable of mistakes. But, do I want to be married to a man capable of a mistake of this grand scale? It is like I now recognize that I believed he was something that he was not: A man with a big enough heart to not have done this. Now that I know he is capable of this I don’t like what I see as much. It is very painful. I want my “other” husband back, the one with the huge heart who would have been incapable of this. I want a man devoted to his wife and family. The one who has been so kind to me for so many years. The one who was my best friend. Best friends don’t do this to each other. Is this a fantasy? I think you guys are out there somewhere, and you should be proud of yourselves. Some days I feel like I’m “settling” for something less than I truly want. The kids are off or almost off at college. Now it is more about the two of us. I can put up with imperfections in a man, but I can’t put up with a man capable of inflicting great pain on his wife and family and best friend. That is so far from what I want in a spouse. Should I leave to try to find real love or should I live on the memories of what was? I would love to hear from some of you who have been loyal and faithful. What should I do?

  300. The main problem in relationships today is no one wants to understand the man. When a man meets a woman it’s all about her. Later, after the relationship is seasoned, the man starts to think about his needs. To get those needs fulfilled he cheats on his partner. He cheats because he has never been allowed to tell anyone his needs. Society will scorn him and retribution will be the norm. Because he fears such, he sneaks around and cheats on the woman he loves.
    Every man has a sexual cycle, sort of like a women’s mentral cycle with the exception that his sexual cycle may occur every month or two or three months. It’s different for every man. Women must understand and know what her man’s sexual cycle is so she’ll know when he’s proned to cheat. Once she know and understand his cycle she’ll know he isn’t cheating when he has sex with someone else but that he’s in his cycle and still only loves her. This is better explained in a book due out in September, named; THE WOMAN’S SHIELD (Secrets About Men Your Mother Never Knew …And Your FATHER Was Afraid To Tell You)

  301. Keith, so your book promotes the idea that men have to sneak around and have sex with other women every 2-3 months, but that it’s okay because they still love their spouse? Really?
    NNaaaahhhhh….. they’re not going to publish something that overtly silly, are they?

  302. There is actually a medical reason why some men cheat and some don’t. The chemical in everyone’s brain called oxytocin is strongly linked with a person’s ability to make loyal friendships. Women have more of this chemical because, for them, it is a mothering hormone. People who have less oxytocin in their brain are more likely to be promiscuous while single or while in a relationship. Obviously, the reverse is the people that have more oxytocin which make it easier for them to have close best friends that they would do anything for and could not imagine cheating on their spouse because he or she means more to them than anything else is the world. Those of you who have less of this chemical are very selfish people, as well as being more shallow with everything in your life.
    Men, cheating on your wife is a disgusting act. They feel disrespected, guilty, and especially worthless. I’m not a doctor or pshycologist but I know from experince what it is like to feel that pain. Don’t be the man to ruin your wife’s life. It’s not worth it.

  303. I left the man I love enormously and whom I thought loved me the same. I never saw it coming. I thought I was the luckiest girl to have found a man that is amazingly sweet, kind, generous, loving, honest and trustworthy. Cheating was something that I never imagine he will do. I trusted him blindly and when I saw what he was doing behind my back, my world came tumbling down.
    I still struggle to understand why he did it. He has no answer. He says that it didn’t mean anything, that it was a mistake, that he got caught up in it, he enjoyed feeling that “he still has it” But he cried me a river and begged me to give him second chance to show me that he won’t do it again, and I did. I believed, in my heart that he was sorry so I decided to give him that chance. I told him I loved him and want to work it out.
    But it was never the same, I lost trust. I began to snoop around more and kept finding suspicious things. Drove him mad, demanded me to forgive him to make this work..but he never understood that he needed to gain my trust back, not expected it. I kept catching him doing inappropriate things for someone that was trying to make things work. Kept finding porn-sites/strippers numbers/ just really random things. Every-time I confronted him, it was like I was wrong or crazy… What can I say, he is good at talking games. I walked away many times but kept getting sucked back in…Like I said, he is a good talker and persuasive man. But slowly my love started decaying.
    I was really depress for a while, but I realize how much i got going for myself and how lucky he is to have me, not the other way around. I started to focus on my work and my own social life again. I left our relationship up to fate…if god want us together then we will…so I decided to stop snooping around, and started taking a day at a time. I picked up all the pieces of my broken self-esteem. And things got so much better. I was hopeful again. I figured, if he wants to cheat, he will, I can’t control that BUT the truth eventually comes out. And that’s exactly what happened, he cheated on me with his secretary.
    I guess once a cheater always a cheater. BUT I am so happy I left him, happy that I don’t have to feel depress or hurt again
    As for him, well I wish him the best, from my heart. I feel sorry for him because he as a problem with self control. He is weak. He doesn’t know how to be a strong man. He doesn’t know what love is (strong/beautiful/pure/honest).
    Ladies, don’t get involve with a weak man. This type of men, love to please everyone, finds it hard to say no to people, over- friendly, seeks attention, ….I confused this with kind/loving/generous. But i was fooled…so I guess what I am trying to say is….open your eyes, see things for what they are, not what you think they are….

  304. MEN.. before you do cheat, think of one thing.. your children (if you have any) seeing the faces of my children when they found out what their father had been getting up to was heartbreaking, he has lost their respect and quite possibly their love, forever.

  305. I’ve been cheated on a lot. I’ve been lied to. I’ve been talked down to. I even stated that if there was something going on outside of our relationship we should end it. I would have held no grudges. I was giving a way out to prevent further pain to myself. That ended three years ago and it went on for five and a half. Lies compiled over guilt thrown my way for whatever reason.
    Cheating is a dirty adult game that is much like rape in the sense it’s more about power over another and control rather than some weakness or desire. It’s hardly about sex in my eyes. If you want sex all you have to do is pursue it. Why bother dragging someone emotionally involved down in that spiraling pit of hell? Let’s be adults guys.
    Enough with the petty excuses. There is no way to make cheating look “ok.” You are free to do as you wish. There is nothing stopping you in this day and age from taking hold of your own life and being responsible. You may even still be married because of financial situations. There are many different circumstances. That shouldn’t stop an intelligent mature adult male, or female for that matter, from opening their mouth to spare someone they once cared about. Living a lie never makes anything better.
    Growing up I knew my parents never wanted to marry each other. I knew they didn’t belong together. I was depressed all the time. I even had to be put in special self esteem classes in elementary school. After they divorced they both became happier better parents. Kids know. How is teaching them to lie to themselves and live in misery helping them in the future?? So what? They learn from example and grow up to be a cheating pig or someone who thinks they have to put up with misery to be successful in life?? Seriously think about it. Children are not as ignorant as some of you are insinuating.
    Any way you slice it it boils down to weather or not you have the nads to face the fact that you feel guilty for putting yourselves in the situation to start with. I know a lot of men always try to make excuses with genetics or even pinning it on women. Point blank no one controls you but you. Grow up.
    Also anyone who thinks they can be happy with a man who left his wife for you is a little naive. He is more than likely to do the same to you. He might not. Maybe they really weren’t meant for each other and they were already emotionally separated. That’s a different story entirely. In that case I wish you much happiness.
    Sometimes you just don’t know what you want and that may lead to cheating. It shouldn’t if you simply state that you don’t know what you want. Don’t make an emotional commitment or keep one when you aren’t sure. Don’t do it because that’s what you think you are suppose to do or it sounds good.
    I have to say I don’t understand cheating from a woman’s point of view. It’s probably the same. The motives are slightly different. I really don’t have any respect for anyone that does it.

  306. Dave,
    I happened upon your article while looking up “men who want an ANR/ABF relationship”…. yes, you read that right 🙂
    I have been so fascinated about the very idea of why men so readily cheat on their wives! I can speak as one who has been the one ‘hit on’, and married or not, men are not satisfied in most of their relationships.
    Ok,I have to admit,I’m sort of an old fashioned female, in her 50’s now, so I’m privileged to see the dichotomy of marriage at it’s best and worst.
    I am seeing a pattern emerge, but I believe it’s all mentioned in the above emails to your site above. I think I can add some glue to all the nice posts, as it is painful to both talk OF your own infidelity or see it done by someone you respected.
    Years ago, in early H.S. days,we 3 sisters were raised by the same wonderful parents.However,both my older and younger sis, had brown eyes, br.hair, the other:brown hair/bl. eyes. Me:blonde/blue eyes.
    All during my years growing up I remember being the ‘different’ daughter.I was hopeful, bright, always happy, never giving my parents a day of trouble(maybe a few :), but my Dad used to make comments to me like,”You’re just like my Mother.”
    I never really heard great stories of her wonderful parenting skills, in fact, some ‘mommy issues’ were evident.
    I took child Psychology, and after taking it ,was so fascinated finding out how some people my age had been raised.
    I remember one evening, I was getting ready to go out on a date. My parents were so protective of me, they treated me differently, and I instinctively knew it.
    Both sisters had privileges I could only dream of having. No curfew for them, sleep-overs,were ok…
    My Dad began crying right in front of me!(oh gosh, Dad :(…. )”What are you crying about Daddy?” I remember feeling helpless, and having no brothers to run to ask, made me very concerned.
    Where’s Mom when ya need her? wow….
    My Dad, was saying while blowing his poor nose,”Oh, Honey, I feel so sorry for you. You asked me if you looked pretty, and you’re so innocent. I can’t be dishonest, you do look just great! But, what I’m really crying is about your future life. Men will want to take advantage of your sweet nature,and you will have your heart broken many times.Men also will fear your beauty, it makes them feel out of control.”
    Oh, dear, this was 10 min. before my date should arrive. (He, co-captain of our football team.) I reassured my Dad everything is okay, I will be home by 11pm,and don’t worry, I’m ok.”
    As I kissed him on his sunburned forehead, I remember thinking, “Well, I’ll need to think about this later.” I had no idea about men.
    In my early twenties, being called the girl on “I Dream of Genie”, and Christy Brinkley… served to reveal maybe some of what I think I was beginning to see about men.
    I have always thought of myself as ugly,until, after 18, my Mom allowed me to wear some makeup.I had a boyfriend, who picked ME, and we dated for 2 yrs., engaged another 2, but suddenly, when he was going to go to Med.School, after we graduated from college, he said his parents would not pay unless we stayed apart! wow.. and I thought we’d be getting married, huh????
    He was upset,I was,so were my parents, and my Mom said, “Just break up with him. If he doesn’t now if he loves you enough to weather the storm of his parents, stand up like a man, you cannot be with this type of a guy, honey.”
    She was , and so was I ,feeling distraught he would not confront them, and we should have presented a united front.
    They wanted us to wait another 7 years.wow…But, mind you, with us 3 states away, and neither of us having time,or money to travel, it almost was certain disaster.
    This began a pattern, men in my life would date me, but no marriage. I seemed like I had no “innards” to them.
    I could have been bitchy, mean, vengeful, all against my true nature. I am gentle,loved guys, thought they were ‘cool’, and never cheated and neither did he.How did this happen?
    Five years later I married a man who asked me to marry him 7 times. We had one great son, he’s very loved by many, is a handful, and loves me, but is independent.
    At one time, after 14 years I sensed there was some deep things missing. He never told me to my face he loved me, he said it in his sleep, hugged me and never remembered it in the morning.
    Long to short, our divorce was a happy moment, when he confessed what he really was! (no details here)
    I guess I should have picked up on the fact he couldn’t make out with me, and would not get the operation to unplug his broken nose, left to leave some scarring.Before marriage.
    I went into bartending, making great money, because I was beautiful, friendly, gracious, and not a person to date my patrons.I had ‘wanna be’ sugar daddies lined up behind me, but felt terribly bad for their wives.Single men, mostly professionals, preferred dating me, but of course, they wanted a “professional”wife to accompany then for the rest of their lives.
    The pattern emerging was one within myself and one displayed to me! Men who DID become my boyfriend, and they were few, over 19 years, all thought of me as tenderhearted ,sweet, but inexperienced , sexually.
    I thought, and still do ,think men are fascinating!
    When I got my divorce, and began to date one guy, I noticed I came out of my shell, sexually, and sill an altruistic person,etc. saw a side to me that shocked me, like a vampy woman,…..huh????
    Where did she come from, why wait so long. Back in the day, I’d be considered slutty, but my one boyfriend of 11 yrs. said, “How do you manage to want me so much,think of a different story every day, or something kind, wonderful things to say to build up his self esteem!? He was such a great man I was attracted to him. But after 11 years, told me he’d never get married. We talked of everything under the sun. What was NOT to love about this relationship??
    When I finally gave up on the idea of marriage,I moved away. He had found an old H.S. girl, who had a dad who was sickly. He had gotten married, something he swore to me he would never DO ! wow…..
    I went up to a hill overlooking the city, sat in my car and wailed until I felt better. I didn’t know what I had done so wrong, he never told me I made him unhappy.
    After much consideration, I am not sure if I believe marriage can work, unless the bonding of an ANR is present! My husband thought the idea of breasts was disgusting( part of his personal dysfuntional family he came from).
    After one year of being on dating sites where men like to be your pen-pal forever, of course I went out on a few dates, but men STILL stare at me!
    I have a happy go lucky, always glass is half full attitude, and still think men fascinate me……..lol. ( now how did that happen?)
    But,after nursing my son for 3+yrs., the tie that binds…….oh yeah! We are bonded, and I give he and his fiancee unbridled freedom to be who they are (no judgement calls).
    But , since there may be a man who knows that living together, nursing with each other is pair bonding, I do believe it’s the only way to begin a great, close relationship, if your looks are stacked against you,like in my case has always been.
    I have great energy for life, and persuade people in high places to do the right things!
    Well, I do it because it is the right thing. I think I am much more a “Princess Diana”, the looks being a persuader, and I will use it to change the world I live in. I’m civic minded, and refuse to let my past define me.
    But, women don’t know how men need love, being fussed over, tenderness, and yet, you must give the guidelines for the relationship to be clear.
    Thanks for having a place to be able to say what each one’s experience is!
    One thing I never had was a man that cheated on me,and that is something I don’t think I’ll ever recover the evidence of ‘why not’……….marriage. I loved reading all these posts!
    Leslie ~

  307. Cheating cheapens the soul. No matter how you want to look at it, or try to deny that you did anything wrong, or make excuses to justify your actions, you are intentionally hurting someone else, who at one point in time, and probably still now gave everything every inch of love, emotion, and trust into you because they thought you were truly beautiful, they thought you were the perfect human being that you apparently couldn’t see..
    To everyone with similar answers to Bill who are just trying to justify what you have done swallowing your pride and your guilt by saying your hormones made you cheat ::: Biologically we are inclined to be sexual, yes, but we are also raised to resist temptations, and have self control, it’s called being a man or a woman.. your sabotaging sexual advances are derived from an insecurity inside yourself and yourself only. you don’t deserve to call yourself Man or Woman, because you are an inadequate human being. Love is about sacrifice of self, not sacrifice of those you loved or once loved. You all need to understand that the person who cheated is not an adequate human being, if they cheated on you they will definitely do it again, and not getting divorced to “help your children” is hurting your children more because you’re keeping secrets from them and even if they’re too young to realize it now, it will make sense to them some day and they will repeat your dispicable patterns of lust, selfishness, and loathing. If you are in an unsatisfying marriage, or relationship, BREAK UP.
    you are only making a fool out of everyone

  308. what about womens needs? All you men are talking about men having special sexual needs women dont. Youre wrong. youre wives arent having sex with you because you are either not satisfying her or you are not expressing your satisfaction. Women and men are exactly the same physically female reproductive organs are just like male’s except inside out and inside the body. Women cheat too because they have needs emotional or sexual thats are being ignored or are just sluts. I honestly have to say anyone who cheats is a slut. I want to marry the guy Im with for the past 2 years someday but sometimes i wonder if my sexual needs will ever be met. Men never have to put up with women ‘being done” the same second it goes in but women including myself this is daily. So when you cheats because youre wife is fat, too skinny, not perfect enough and you are too good for her remember that youre not anything close to what you see. she probably sees you similarly to how you see her. Cheaters just make me sick and not just because I was cheated on. That was years ago and i dont care anymore but even before then just the thought that people can be so mean just makes me sad. All the pain it puts the faithful spouse is just so bad.

  309. Personally I don’t know whats the point in cheating, I admit I have cheated but I was 16 at the time and ever since then I never cheated again and now I’m 20 and have a fiance and am very happy.
    Now I often find myself very angry at cheaters because the other half really really loves them most of the time and it messes them up and guess what the cheat don’t give a damn.
    Recently I seen two marriages that has a cheater in there.
    One a man, flirting with my fiance, asking her what’s she is wearing and asked her for a pic of her in a mini skirt and told her not to tell anyone especially me, Told his Wife and he told her he was joking and she believed him, you know why? cos he was gonna leave her. Pathetic coward…
    Next cheatee is a Woman 2 weeks after being married she told my Brother she’s in love with him and not with her husband, WHAT THE HELL!??! I’ve heard worse then this some people actually cheat on their wedding day ffs ¬_¬.
    Its stupid, waste of time and life and its greed…It shows they can’t help but have more attention because they are greedy and more likely spoiled as a child.
    We live in a pathetic world full of people who’s heart belongs to them selfs.

  310. You do not have to put all the blame to those cheating spouses because it is not entirely their fault why they cheated. Instead try to understand them and accept that you also have your own faults why it happened.

  311. I am a counselor who has spoken with numerous people who have cheated. I have spoken to men who chronically cheat, women who cheat, spouses and partners who get cheated on, and men and women who have been put in the position of being the other man or other woman in one of these triangles. Accept for the very rare person who left a spouse to go be with the person he was having an affair with, everyone else used the cheating to try to MAINTAIN the current relationship. That’s right, the odds are extremely high that the person will use the third party to stay in the existing relationship because more often than not they want to keep it in tact for money, or to keep up the facade to children and the public that they are not lying and cheating on the side.

    I also know that except in that one situation where the man left his wife for his lover, there was devastation all around. Not at first. I am thinking of the man I spoke to one and off for five years, eventually (like Arnold the “Terminator”) it caught up to him, and he lost the respect of everyone he cared about, especially his children.

    Overall, what hurts the most isn’t the cheating… having talked to numerous people cheated on it is the lying and the breaking of the commitment and the initial vow. People can recover, but when that trust is broken it is very hard to get over.

    Another thing I have run into (though it is not my cup of tea) are swingers and those involved in the polyamory movement (multiple partners). One swinger couple eventually moved into physical violence with each other. (That is when they came to see me). Some “poly” people I worked with did handle it well, but only if they followed “rules.” Those rules can be found in The Ethical Slut book. Rules include surprising things like EVERYONE has to know about everyone else. EVERYONE has to agree to what is going on. EVERYONE has to treat everyone else with respect. In short, the one thing poly people hate the most is LYING.

    Lying is about two things… FEAR and SELFISHNESS.

    No one can have a happy relationship if you are thinking about YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. A happy relationship is about two people working to make each other happy first. That requires the capacity to be selfless, and that is often only found when someone has a sense of ethics and a spiritual practice. Those ethics help you sleep well at night, because when you are lying and being selfish to others, you don’t feel good about yourself, which is why addictive behaviors (drugs, alcohol, shopping, porn, sexual addictions, smoking) go up! So does anxiety, depression, and a loss of self-esteem and health.

    So, the main thing I treat is the fear people have to live authentic and honest lives. It takes courage to admit a relationship isn’t working. It takes courage to try and fix it. It takes courage to leave it if it can’t be fixed. Even if a couple agree to let a third person in, that takes courage, because now you have MORE people (not less people) to think about and learn to treat well in the mix. That is why a counselor friend of mine left polyamory for the “simplicity” of monogomy. And, he was trying very hard to be honest and open about having additional sexual partners. In the end, he said, it was just exhausting.

    Currently, we live in a society where people believe it is good to just act on impulse, whether it be spending or having an affair with someone. The consequences on families, relationships, finances, health, our children, our planet’s future can be increasingly seen. They are devastating. That is what selfishness leads too.

    I understand that we live in a time when people will be alive around 100 years! One partner for life can be tough, but I have met dozens of people who have been married 60 years plus (my parents included) and one couple (this is fact) who were together 80 years. How did they do it? I always love to ask. They respected each other. They felt the other person was their best friend. They had a value system that guided them, and most of all they BELIEVED in COMMITMENT.

    What did that commitment bring them? No, they didn’t have multiple partners. But, they had financial security all the way through. (How much money is saved by not divorcing and breaking up relationships). They had better health and happiness (which is why they lived so long). They had a LOT of people who loved them. (Who doesn’t love people who are loving and can be trusted?). Having also worked with over 1000 people in their later years in a home health job, I asked over and over again what mattered to them most in the end. NO ONE mentioned SEX! Though some men in their 60’s and 70’s who were alone in their later lives talked about their REGRETS at having had sex with so many women and the hurt they caused, ultimately to themselves.

    EVERYONE I met who was happy in the end could summarize what made their life the most worth living…. DID THEY LOVE? WERE THEY LOVED?

    Love involves selflessness, respect, wanting the happiness of another person, being true to your word, courage, and being honest with yourself and others.

    Having learned all I have learned, and having compassion as I sit with client after client who has made mistakes along the way, I can say this with certitude… cheating doesn’t work.

    Honesty, integrity, courage, love. THEY WORK. But, few people have the courage or capacity to try them. Thank GOODNESS some people in this post say they DO!

  312. I have not read everones posts, but I get the picture that not everyone has the same thoughts whatsoever on this topic. I have been hurt a few times and have got myself out of those relationships. I have always found myself to immediately start looking for what I know makes me happy which is a commited partner who will appreciate me, make me feel special and someone who will put value to a meaningful connection within the relationship. I just feel that each of us already has such a lot to deal with in our daily lives, to then also put a lot into your relationship and build everything around it to just found out that your partner has deceived you, that is devastating…as though your feet as been pulled from underneath you…you feel like the boggest fool, like everything about you and your life…everything is just a big lie….nothing has any meaning to it. When children comes into the picture, it is even worse…they need to be assured that there are stability and truth and honesty out there to be able to build a future.I think that is why many children rebell as they get exposed to verbal abuse and domestic violence type of situations / conflict situations caused by either of their parents who deceived the other.Two loving, faithful and equally supportive parents provide a sence of stability and respect in a childs life and gives them a great sense of which the right direction is to in every aspect of their lives.Guess that is why we have such a problem with our youth and so forth.
    That is how I see it….I can carry on but I know that whatever I say will not change anything…I can myself just be true to and respect my partner and not feel guilty and be happy and balanced in my life. Good Luck to everyone with their lives, their relationships and their happiness. Jx

  313. No offence to all you morally upstanding men here, but Angelina Jolie is about as close to showing up naked on your doorstep as she is to portraying a realistic character. Maybe, if you are so faithful to your wives you should be away making them soup and foot massage gels instead of coming here to bitch about the dreadful philanderers out there in a holier-than-thou way. Sometimes men are unhappy, sometimes women get bored. It’s not nice. But there are worse things that happen.

  314. Also we have 3 kids together and it started right after my son was born.We weren’t in a bad place.I really don’t understand

  315. My ex-husband had an emotional affair that was discovered by our adult daughter when she saw a text with an endearing term. After simple research of cell phone records, I saw that they had been texting for months -every day and night. Hindsight showed some red flags, but I was very trusting. Even on our daughter’s wedding day, they were in contact. I had completely trusted him and the betrayal was like a knife through the heart. I know we were in a rut and we were not meeting each other’s needs, but I would have worked very hard to improve our relationship and save our marriage and family. I am sure that counseling would have gotten us back on track, but once the other woman is so connected, it is too late. He left our home, got an apartment and the other woman moved in with him the first night before they even had a bed. 56 years old and used an air mattress. Sound like a 17-year-old? Or mid-life ceisis? He said he was unhappy for at least a few years and she was more easy-going and more like him. Of course, in a new relationship it is always easy. We were married 28 years when he started his double life. We had gotten through all the financial struggles and were just new empty nesters. They hoped I would get fed up and end the marriage. Very cowardly indeed. I lost a best friend and husband and family unit that I treasured. Many things on both sides may have led to this, but I will never understand how an otherwise honest and good man can fall for a woman who was so willing to contribute to the end of a long marriage and good family. I do think she must have really fed his ego and that all felt good. She doesnt work and she had all the time each day to text him. I was working a lot more than i wanted and was stressed from that. He seems hurt that I no longer want any contact with him to help in my healing. It has been about a year and it still hurts a lot to see him when he acts like we should just be good friends – then he heads back to his new relationship. He still shows no emotion at least on the outside, though he said he is not proud of himself and that it hurts him that he hurt his family. It is just so sad and frustrating when a spouse unilaterally decides that there is no hope to saving a marriage. His father and my father were also unfaithful to their wives. Not a good family legacy, for sure. I just need to move forward and make a good life for myself. Hard to start over when I would have wanted to start fresh with my own husband. Just sad and it happens all too often.

  316. You are a good man!! Stay that way! I don’t get it either, WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE CHEAT? It honestly destroys so much.. it can break trust, friendship, and even break a person.. Even the happiest relationships end up like this! I never have and never will cheat.. however it can be hard for people to walk away from a relationship, or fix problems. Whoever is on the verge of cheating, DON’T DO IT, it’s a temporary solution to a problem that will always be there. Love your wives and girlfriends and be the best you can that’s all i have to say

  317. I seen this article on google was actually looking to see what men do when women cheat not vice/versa in my search. Been married 14 years next month 2 kids, wife has been raising them at home they are now 12 and 9. I do understand what being at home entails it is hard and of you dont occuppy your time wisely it gets the best of you. Well 7 years ago starts playing online game has a emotional affir last one year before we gonna split ywice in one year.lol. Second one starts in 2008 and ends 2011 after ivorce papers were signed and all her man becomes a no show. i take her back thinking we can work on this but really dont think in the last year she went to 2 counseling sessions., so we never got to go to any together to find out exactly what she was missing besides me not giving her those needs. She was never a very open person.
    I have been faithful no reason to stray I feel my kids will look up to for doiing right. With that being said I talked to her the other she is on vacaion back home told her we need to go to counseling to go on with our lives forward because I feel here lol stuck no answers, to anything. I also said for the sake of us and said said you mean for your sake. I said well a person cant live with guilt we will never get by and I wont be able to trust. She stated that when she comes back home we will talk about it.
    I dont know but I may give myself a timeline and give her the oppurtunity to get some help because she has some underlying issues. If she refuses to get help before the timeline ends. All i can say back to getting the paperwork signed. lol

  318. What I don’t get is that some guys here say they cheated on their wives because of the lack of sex, that their woman was simply ‘not the right one’, etc. Why don’t you think back on how you felt when you first met your wife? I’m sure you didn’t marry her for no reason, or because you weren’t in love with her at the time. If you ask me, the whole ‘right woman’ theory is bullshit. Most people, not just men – women too, simply aren’t cut out to give a marriage the work it requires. That is, if a marriage could ever truly work, which I doubt.

    Also, keep in mind that your ‘girlfriends on the side’ aren’t the girls that you live with. You live with your wives. Just wait until you can put all shit behind you and live with your girlfriend, then you’ll see that the same thing will happen.

    After reading all this, I am pretty sure about what I already thought: a long-term relationship or marriage is a death sentence to my personal happiness. Which is just great, since I recently started falling in love with one of my closest friends. I’m torn because I don’t want to lose the close bond of friendship I share with him now, and something tells me that I will once we’re a couple. He, on the other hand, seems positive that I’m the ‘right woman’ for him and even feels hurt that I don’t feel
    the same way about him. See that difference? That’s doom just waiting to happen.

    And yet I am too in love with him to just pass him up. I’m stuck in that stupid idealist mentality: “Maybe this time is different. Maybe this guy is different.” Ha! Right. I’m fooling myself and I know it, too. It is hard to resist the pull of love, and I suppose that the urge to cheat is exactly as strong. Can’t say I don’t sympathize.

    I see my parents every day. They claim they still love each other, but they are bored out of their minds. They are annoyed with one another out of their minds. Which in turn annoys me out of my mind. None of them ever cheated on the other, though. But even if me and my boyfriend would make 18 years of marriage without cheating, my parents’ example is hardly any better. And it’s not like I don’t understand men’s issues with their wives; I personally would never want to be married to my mom if I were a guy. Having said that, I would never want to be married to my father, either. Both have their
    flaws.

    I’d also like to note that I personally haven’t seen as many men cheat as women. I have been ‘the other woman’, but not with a guy. It was with another woman – who had a boyfriend. Before she was about to jump me, I specifically asked her: “But what about your boyfriend?” She stopped for a moment, looked at me, then shrugged and continued. At that very moment, I gave her the choice to cheat or not to cheat, and she chose to do it for reasons she has never been willing to tell me. However, it’s evident to me that those things never ‘just happen’.

    She ended up leaving her boyfriend for me even though I specifically warned her not to, because I was not the right partner for her. I ended up dumping her because I lacked interest in her, and she seemed genuinely hurt because she loved me. A few weeks after her boyfriend took her back, she advanced on me again. This time, I didn’t even bother to ask. I let her have her way with me. Needless to say, she and her boyfriend broke up again. He cheated on her too. There was no mutual respect in their relationship whatsoever. Just ego.

    So, I’d just like to say: for all of those who tried to forgive their spouses: don’t waste your breath. If it isn’t the fact that you allowed your spouse to cheat on you and let them get away with it that ruins your relationship (which it will), then your inability to restore your trust in him or her eventually will.

    And just as a bit of info, Wikipedia says that 27% of people who report being in a happy marriage still cheat. I guess they feel like they ‘love’ their partner, while in fact the cheaters simply want someone they can come home to, someone to make sure they aren’t alone. A companion.

    Maybe evolution is our problem. Our animal side still wants to fuck everyone we see silly (sorry for the langague) – our intellectual and ‘evolved’ side longs for someone we can connect to on a deeper level. Someone who loves our minds, our personalities, our whole being. Someone who understands us. As often in other areas of our life, our instinctual and intellectual needs tend to clash. Maybe there is no solution.

    Heck, I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to take up the position of wife or long-term girlfriend anymore. While I’m against cheating and see it as a sign of terrible self-discipline, I’d probably end up doing it just to make sure I’m the first to hurt him. For most of us, self-preservation will always win over ‘love’ (what is the definition of love, anyway?), and sadly I just proved that I would fall under the category of ‘most people’.

    Funny thing? I’ve never been cheated on and haven’t cheated. I’m still waiting.

  319. Hi all,
    Wow, there’s alot of comments on here..great stuff.
    Firstly i’d like to thank the ‘big men’ for their input leading the way as they always do, clearly stating that not all men cheat and clarifying why they never would and therefore why it’s simply ridiculous to think of yourself as a real ‘Man’ if you do. It’s pretty obvious sorting the men from the boys isn’t it?

    Aren’t these ‘real men’ sexy ladies? yes yes.. Whole lot of growl going on there. It’s true boys..we want steamy sex as much as you!! We just don’t want it with you. hahaa
    It’s a no brainer as to why.

    Or.. let’s not be sexist, the girlies from the women.

    You can’t tell a real women or man by their clothes or the job they hold or the car they drive..though we probably don’t work at slurpy’s and drive a clown car. no no.. These fantastic individuals can make a whisper sound like a roar, and have a smile that brightens your soul. Their the beez neez of the backbone of humanity. All that is fine and true and valiant and loving. They are strength, perception, sensuality personified. The true Alpha males, and women.

    The little leagers are messing up their families, their communities, their worksites and the next generation, just like they used to mess their nappies. Not much has changed for these morally corrupt babies, except the size of their toys and their princess dresses.

    People ‘cheat’ because they want to..that’s who they are..simple.. they’re weak, stupid, selfish, deceitful.. emotionally immature!!!

    These little dumb bunnies show their ever present lacking personalities in all different ways in their lives, not just cheating on their partner.

    All emotionally mature people will tell you easilly, they would not trust a cheater in business or anywhere else knowing they cheat in their marraige.

    When the last man-child i was in a relationship with, starting his deceitful game playing, i called him out on it quick smart, before he even got past the flirting/chating. A mature person wasn’t born yesterday girls and boys..we are very aware of your emotional signals as we are so invested in you and the relationship. Don’t think you’ll ever fool one of the big guns for long. I shrugged my shoulders and thought ahh well..had that figured anyway from the way this fool acts, i was leaving anyway. Out you go! End of discussion. No drama necessary. You won’t be missed.

    We don’t sit home crying over it either. There is no indescision in an emotionally mature person’s mind. You cheat..your GONE! and good riddance. We know your not worthy, nor worth it. There is no need for second chances or alot of chatter about the why’s and how’s. Irrelevent. Get out, your a reject.

    Whilst i will concede the majority of people in our world are a bunch of silly bunnies who frankly if their integrity was on test would never be granted a driver’s licence, there are alot of emotionally mature people who are the stuff dreams are made of..in a very realistic sense. Why would you want one of these INFERIOR fools, when you can have the real thing.

    So to all the hurt people who’ve been devestated by the losers cheating.. i’d like to respectfully say ‘ please heal and get yourself a mature person who can show you what a real relationship really is..you won’t be crying anymore..you’ll be thrilled you got rid of the loser’. You’ll only be sad for the time you wasted and the lost investment, on someone who’s sooo.. not worth it in a billion ways.

    To all the cheaters and their ridiculous endless excuses and justifications for simply not being capeable of making the grade. i’d say..mmm.. ‘ hahaha you’r an idiot, take it somewhere else’.

    There are trillions of losers out there people.. but you are looking for a diamond are you not? Did you think would that be easilly found? That’s why it’s so special. As you can see from these comments, there are alot of people about who are so worthy of your time and love and devotion. Keep the faith and learn to be more emotionally mature yourself, you’ll find you attract them and you notice them more. Were only about 30% of the population, but hey.. that still means theres billions of us!

    So everybody’s who’s a goody.. Cheer up..keep evolving..keep the faith, and move on quickly when you run into these types of losers who are still in nappies. You’ll definately find a few of us Gems turning up as your friends, your collegues, your partners and your social society, and when you do.. you’ll be very balanced and happy and won’t give much time to these people who are yet to grow a brain.

  320. it really amazes me how some of the men on here justify their cheating with this “i can’t help it” b.s.. it also galls me that one man even suggested that cheating isn’t bad. he even had to ask why. well, i’ll tell you why. it hurts people, a lot. growing up with a dad that cheated on my mother and seeing how he went through marriage after marriage was very painful for all of us kids. dad’s love life always was more important then his kids, and we all paid the price for it. as a matter of fact, more crimes have been committed out of jealous love triangles then any other motivation. when you cheat on your spouse you are taking great risk. my father found that out the hard way when he cheated with a married woman. her husband found out and shot him in the chest. dad survived, but he wasn’t the only one who suffered. we kids had to deal with the trauma, embarrassment, and public airing of dirty laundry. my father spent 7 months in the hospital, but he isn’t the only one with scars. do you men honestly think your kids will respect you after you wreck your family for another woman? and what about the other woman? how many of you lie to these women, telling them you are separated or getting a divorce, all the while using them for sex. and what about the man who suggested that it was his duty to impregnate as many women as possible? all i can say is that the stats for children of divorce and single mothers are very grim. all you are doing is contributing to the social malaise we see all around us – high school drop outs, drug use, suicide, mental illness, poverty, and quite simply broken hearts. if you don’t love your wife anymore, then leave. to stay and continue to cheat over and over again is basically living a completely dishonest life. in the end you guys will end up growing old alone, just like my father did. and trust me, your kids will not respect you, and some of them may never have a good relationship with you again. also, if you even think of marrying the other woman, your kids will hate her. trust me on that one! so, best of luck to you! good luck with putting your petty, selfish sexual desires before every decent thing that exists in your lives.

  321. i used to write letters to my dad when i was a kid, and i never sent them. here is one that i wrote. i found it last year when cleaning out my mother’s house.

    dear dad,

    why did you always come home so late at night? did you know that mom sometimes cried when she was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. she never said anything because she didn’t want us to know, but we kids knew. now that your gone, i cry, too. mom is working two jobs, and the house is so empty when i come home from school. mom doesn’t get home till 8pm, but since you have a new family now, david and me have no one to eat dinner with. we order pizza, or make baloney sandwiches. it’s not like it used to be when we’d all sit down and have dinner together. you’d ask about school, and you’d tell us to make sure we did our homework right after dinner. well, now there is no one to tell us to do our home work. i don’t do my home work. i guess it doesn’t matter. we had the electricity turned off last week, so we couldn’t do our home work in the dark. when you came over to pick us up for the week end, i heard mom asking you for money for the electric bill, and i also heard you say you didn’t have any money. of course, after we went out to dinner every night with janet and her kids, i had to wonder how you had money for going out. but then, i am only 15. what do i know about these things? i miss you dad.

  322. Several months ago when my husband said that he wanted to breakup, I was devastated. [email protected] changed my life and helped me save my marriage. I’m happy to say we finally got to be together and I’ve never been happier. Thank you for using your powers to bring happiness to other people’s lives. suzan

  323. Hi, I just spent hours reading evry single post here.
    First thing that I would like to say is for the men saying it’s their biological nature to spread their seed creep GROW THE F**** UP!!! U sound like prebuscent boys who just discovered porn and think you need to act like a porn star and F**** the whole world so you can feel like you’re finally a man…….You’re definition of your behaviour (which u blame on bioligical nature) is more like the behaviour of a boy and not a MAN. Please stop ruining the definiton of that word and turn it into animal. HUMAN beings are not animals…..otherwise we wouldn’t have airplanes and technoligy….and we wouldn’t be writers and poets and come up with amazing inventions…….We have brains that work SO much diffirently from an animal…..Animals even eat their own shit…so if U Cheaters wanna call urselfs animals go ahead(although I think ur worse because u cause more destruction than any animal) but please dont say ALL men are animals….MEN are proper husband and fathers…..whatever happened to being a man of ur word…..or are u just men when it comes to ur Pe***?……When you get married you make a vow….if you can’t stick to it atleast be MAN enough to tell you’r woman.

  324. And for those men who think it’s ok to cheat because their relationship with their wife isn’t great but they stay married for the kids…….You’re wrong if you think this is right for your kids.
    My bioligical father was married to my mother for 14 years….he was cheating on her…she found it , he apoligized, he did it again, apoligized again…..they both hid it from us but WOW….did u forget you too were once a kid….Ur kids aren’t as clueless as you think. We knew about the cheating without our parents telling us…….Let me tell you how my fathers actions has affected several peoples lives. first thing is…..My mother couldn’t remarry for 7 years or even be in an actual relationship with a man because she didn’t want a broken heart again(this is such a waste of myh beutiful mothers precious years) She finally got married to my stepfather and after 14 years of marriage they have seperated sadly because of my mothers trust issues…….this has now ruined my stepfathers life because they have his only biological son together and he loves my mother to pieces but she seems unable to trust men completely which has messed up their relationship………
    and here I am today….a 24 year old woman. I’m married and today is actually our one year marriage anniversary, I’m pregnant…..and now having the fear that my man will do to me what my dad did to my mom. Now that I’m pregnant…..I’m even regreting this pregnancy because I know that once I have a child with this man even if he cheats on me it will be so difficult to walk away…….and I am so afraid that I have even considered having an abortion and just leaving my husband before he can even break my heart and have me tied down.(yes I know these sound like mental issues, maybe pregnancy hormones) …….but this is what cheating does to people.
    My brother who is 25 also has serious trust issues. he’s never been able to trust a girl, he say’s to many are whores and users and will just cheat……and sadly one of my other brothers is married with three gorgeous children and he is ruining his family….he’s cheating on his wife it was so bad to the point that he tol his wife he won’t leave his B**** mistress who byt the way knew he was married from the very begging…..anyway he basically told his wife he can’t leave her but can’t leave his wife either…..his wife has been dealing with this for 2 years, she is taking anti depressants because she is depressed as hell. He spends barrely anytime with his kids(one of them is disabled) because he’d rather be out getting drunk and banging his whoe…..All along he’s watching tear his wife apart but continues because he knows she loves him to death……
    My fathers cheating affected so many peoples lives……it should be a crime and those of you who cheat should do time!…….Stop lying to urselves by trying to justify ur actions and give urselves the true title u deserve which is SELFISH!…….If u can’t be faithfull either don’t get married at all or at least be man enough to tell ur wife and leave her unless she is ok with you sleeping with others.

  325. I’d also like to point out that ADvertising today tempts men to cheat…..sex is constanly advertised…..it’s like now everyone should be publicly sexual….everytime I go to damn website there always haveto be ads on the side with half naked women posing and who are sexually provacitive…..with a bick CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE OR CHAT WITH LOCALS sign……this is honestly starting to get on my nerves…..honestly why can’t I surf the internet without having to see some photoshipped b***** ass or tits on my screen……I’m a woman I don’t need to see that because I’m not interested and ontop of that I’m so sick and tired of my man actually comparing me to these fake woman with fake boobs and faces cause he hasn’t got a clue what photoshop, plastic surgery, or makeup can do!……When my stepson asks for me to google some images of the cars he likes….the pic has to include some chic with her tits hanging there……like seriously can I not go to a website where women aren’t selling their bodies in one way or another?………kids are becoming sexually active way too young nowadays because they are being exposed….to it every where……It’s sad that my 5 year old step son knows some stuff about sex already……how the hell did that happen? could’ve been tv, or the people who feel like they need to make out on the F***** subway while some little kid is standing right in front of them…….or everything they see on tv and the internet or other kids in school. Sick world we live…..that’s why I’m regretting being pregnant now….I don’t wanna bring a child into this sadly corupt world……where the things that rule are money and sex…….
    You cheaters are will be the losers in the end because you will die old and alone. My father is now in his early fifties and none of my siblings have a relationship with him……he’s 2 ashamed to even call himself our father because he knows we can’t even consider him that.
    When he and my mother seperated I was 3 and they divorced when I was six. I never saw him since they seperated…..untill my grandfathers funeral….I was 12 years old and thought some freaky man was coming outta no where to hug me. He saw my confused face and had to ask “don’t you know who I am” and ofcourse I didn’t………after that time I never saw him again untill I was 19. I decided to look for him and call and visit because I heard he had two other daughters so I wanted to meet my sisters but when I got there I was with my bestfriend and since we both greeted him he had no idea which one of the 2 was his daughter………
    All the years all along we’ve lived in the same city not far atll but he never called us or visited as or even asked for pictures of us because he was to busy thinking with his P***** like you Cheaters out there who use this cheap biolagy excuse.
    F**** U cheaters……Ur cheating ur kids not just ur wives……and trust me they will never feel the same about you! You can try everything but nothing u do will ever erase ur cheating.
    U are ugly selfish people on the inside and if 50% of men cheat than I guess 50% of men are trashy selfish lowlives.
    Goodluck with love……love begins with urself….a person who doesn’t love themselves can’t love others, and a person who loves themselves won’t go to such a low level and than say that what they did can be justified.
    Murder is murder and cheating is cheating…..murderers can say they have urges they can’t control that doesn’t make it ok to do it……so cheaters quit lying to urselves….

  326. I think women cheat just as much as men do, but they are better liars about it. I could never have a girlfriend or wife if I left to go to iraq because there is no way a woman can go a year or 2 without sex.
    Not saying everyone is like this, but a lot of people are.

  327. Does this issue apply to only white people alone? It seems your reference model only involves those who are white

    Obviously this is only about the emphasis of one race in its contents

    However men should not cheat. If you wanted to cheat don’t get married in the first place.

    Angelina Jolie may adopt black children but she is not with a black man.

    Food for thought

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