This amusing piece was sent to me by the gal who wrote the book The Laptop Dancer Diaries and I thought I’d share it, even though it’s a bit, um, explicit. It’s written from a woman’s perspective, but with a few tweaks I think it addresses universal issues of self-image and self-confidence post-divorce. Read on, but you’ve been warned. Oh, and it’s okay to laugh a few times, even if it’s in embarrassment. 🙂
You’re a woman in your forties. You’ve been through enough of life’s experiences that nothing can faze you. You’ve developed confidence and style. You are no longer self-conscious about what you say or how you look and you like who you’ve become, wrinkles and all. Those laugh lines add character.
Then you get divorced. Suddenly, you feel about as secure as a high school geek with braces and acne. Childbirth and age have left you with cellulite, stretch marks, and deflated boobs. How in the world will you ever feel comfortable exposing your naked body to a new man? You decide it’s time to experiment with vibrators.
Although vibrators provide surprisingly more satisfaction than your ex-husband ever did, eventually, you come to the conclusion that they do not provide the emotional connection that you crave. Admittedly, most men come up short in that department, too, but you are not quite ready to experiment with women. You know you must venture out into that scary world of dating.
You decide to research dating in the millennium by trying an online dating site. You go ahead and fill out the profile, only slightly embellishing your attributes. You find a great photo that doesn’t display any of the aforementioned changes that your body has undergone and resist the urge to make it even better using PhotoShop. It’s tempting, since you don’t plan to ever actually meet any of these lonely hearts. You are definitely NOT lonely or desperate, yourself. You are just curious what all the online dating fuss is about..
You get your first wave of email and feel very excited and proud that men are still interested in you. Your excitement is somewhat diminished when you realize most of the people that are emailing you look like Mr. Magoo and have screen names like GardeningGrandpa. You promptly respond explaining that you’re flattered but are simply doing research about online dating. There are a few men that catch your attention, though, and you slowly start to develop some email pen-pals.
The email relationships are satisfying for awhile. You can take your time at composing that witty reply or flirt without blushing. You can use cute little icons like winky or smiley faces. You don’t have to worry at all about how you look as you exchange clever quips. If he asks you about a topic in which you are completely ignorant, you can do a quick google-search and appear oh so intelligent. This is not at all dishonest, because you have, after all, just become knowledgeable of the topic in question.
However, email relationships do not provide the physical closeness that you desire. You try combining the physical and emotional by reading your email while using your vibrator. Somehow, this doesn’t do the trick. Bringing the computer into bed is cumbersome. You ponder the idea of inventing a vibrating mouse as a new sex toy. Perhaps that little ball under the mouse could serve a dual purpose? It could be called the Venus Mouse Trap.
As intriguing as your new idea sounds, you know it will take awhile before you can get it into production. It’s time to work up enough courage to go on a real date. You remind yourself that you are fully clothed so most of your body flaws are still safely hidden from view. If you have a really ugly face, you hook up with an equally ugly guy. This should be no problem if you’ve been using an online dating service which allows you to search for ugly people.
When that first date is coming close to an end, you temporarily panic, wondering if real life is like the movies and you will be expected to get naked and have sex. As you line up all your excuses you realize he is looking confused by your desperate anxiety. He gives you an awkward hug and you feel somewhat insulted that you don’t even merit a kiss goodnight. This is outweighed by your overwhelming relief that you made it through the date. You were worried about your breath anyway.
The dates get easier and you learn to keep things like breath mints around. One day you find yourself hoping for more than a goodnight kiss. When the all important night arrives, your pent-up passion is released and you experience the most satisfying erotic experience of your life. All those worries were totally unfounded! You still have what it takes, you sexual goddess, you!
You keep the lights off for the next couple months, just to play it safe. You don’t want to see his gut quite yet. And when the lights do come on, you both are pleasantly surprised! Or not, in which case you make a date with the plastic surgeon.
Well….being in my early 40’s and newly, nearly single I have to say this really didn’t help!!!! Although it was worth a chuckle 🙂
I am enjoying your ‘parenting blog’ although every post I have read so far is just about life. I guess its hard to separate. Well, it is for me anyway.
Thanks for a funny post.