Let me get this out of the way: The shooting at the Aurora Century 16 Theater is a terrible, senseless tragedy, but we are now in the spin zone where everyone is extracting the meaning they want from what happened, or what they think happened. It’s going to be an interesting and occasionally infuriating next few weeks as we learn more about the shooter, the victims and the back story of what transpired and why. I weep for the innocent victims but don’t think that our society is fundamentally broken and will not respond with fear or anxiety, nor will I convey such emotions to my children.
With that said, I knew this morning when I first heard the news at about 6am that somehow I was going to need to let them know something about the situation: it’s inevitable that they’re going to hear about it, and frankly they deserve to have some basic understanding of the world around them, positive and negative. Still, they’re currently in a tense relationship with the darker side and my youngest, K- (8), has become very fearful as of late and is no longer able to fall asleep in her room after watching an episode of the TV show Psych. To me as it’s an amusing police procedural with a twist: the main character is hyper-observant but pretends he’s psychic. But to a little one? Freaky/scary. And no, it wasn’t my idea that she watch the show.
There’s another factor in that I’m a professional film critic — see DaveOnFilm if you didn’t know — and spend a lot of time in movie theaters, though I don’t believe I’ve ever been to the Aurora Century 16 Theater. But were my children going to fear for my life every time I went to see a movie?
What I’ve found is that if I share things in a factual manner, with relatively minimal details, and end by assuring them that we’re not in risk or danger, then things tend to breeze past without too much difficulty. With that in mind, here’s what I said:
“Just wanted to let you guys know that last night at a late showing of the new Batman movie some nutjob went into the theater and shot a bunch of people. The police have him in custody, which is good. It’s sad, it’s stupid, and it’s terrible, and I know we’ll hear about it today, so I wanted you to know.”
They asked how many people were killed and I calmly reported “last I heard, 12. And a bunch of people in hospital.”
And that was it.
My two cents: if you as an adult are calm about the situation, then it’s much less likely that your children are going to get upset, afraid or freaked out. If you’re losing it or just can’t hold it together or want to go hide in the basement for a few hours, I suggest you do that before you share a sanitized snippet of what happened with the little ones.
The challenge now will be to avoid the inevitable muck that we’re all going to wade through from every medium imaginable, ranging from well meaning friends on Facebook to news outlets, companies and schools to older family members who have no idea that children don’t process information – particularly frightening information – the same way we adults do. But we’re ready. I think.
Am I doing it the right way? Do I have a bunch of psychologists to quote here? No, I don’t. Just my own instinct. But if I’m not afraid, my children aren’t likely to be afraid. Seems straightforward to me.
Thank you for that Dave, Calm and moderate in the face of the oncoming storm. Good on you.
First off: my experience as a Dad of two young girls is that at around 8 yo they get very scared by stuff we think is harmless (unless you watch it in slo mo and sensursound – which is how they see it. Then t might start to make sense…).
Secondly: re the oncoming storm: Personally I think it’s best to turn the volume down. Or even off. Play a game. Distract them with monopoly etc (dust it off and fix the grin 😉 (and watch the bank…)
Don’t let any stranger (you know the attractive ones who got to get beamed direct into your living room) become the ones who tell your kids how they should feel about what’s happened.
You are doing great imho with what you said to yur kids already. They don’t need anyone else “advising” them – particularly your 8 yo.
So Dave, forgive me, but turn off your no doubt usually correct liberal ” freedom of information” sensibility… just this time. And distract at least your 8 yo from all that noise. (Yes I believe in censorship in this sense, to protect kids from morons)
Just mah 2 p’s worth from ole Europe..
My respect to you Dave for being a great Dad – or at least trying, which is the best we can do
all the best
ed
Firstly, let me say well done for tackling this head on. Acting shifty and covering it up will not fool kids hey! I came across your response when look up how to tell my own kids and your post really did help. It was all over the news (not that my kids are interested in the news) but I just didn’t want someone else putting fear into them over it all outside of our home. The youngest didn’t really get it and became side tracked quickly but my eight year old was full of questions. A fair and honest approach definitely prevailed. Thanks for sharing!
I agree with you. Children can easily access information. The key is to explain it to them in a calm manner that is well within their level of understanding. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us about the matter. What happened was beyond gruesome. I’m not from the US but the impact it had on me was very overwhelming still. Blessings to you and your family.